I thought my marriage was perfect, but it's not and I feel so sad

[sadme]

I've namechanged btw, just in case. DH and I have always been very happy together, been together 11 years.

A couple of days ago we had a row, which is very rare for us and it ended with dh really losing his temper with me, he got v aggresive. This has happened before, probably about three or four times in the whole time we've been together and every time, when we talk about it the same old story comes up.

He is very easy going and laid back and he says that I'm too controling and he goes along with it for an easy life until eventually he snaps. I suggested that we go to Relate and he's agreed although we are both very wary of doing more harm than good. In the past I think we've thought that an arguement every two or three years is a small price to pay for a happy marriage.

This time he was a bit physical - he didn't hit me, or push me around, but he was nasty and very in my face. I'm worried that if we don't resolve this problem then one day he will hit me and that will end everything.

I just feel soooo sad, we have always been so happy together, but now he's telling me that there are times when he can't stand me because I want everything my way.

He does have a point, I can be controlling and if going to relate helps our marriage I'm happy to do it, but I'm finding it very hard not to feel very down now.

aw honey

I think some marital support would be a good idea we all have probs you can get through it with some help

Dp and I have something very similar.

We are very happy but I am controllinf and difficulg to live with. He is very easy and laid back but when he blows he does it big style. He has never laid a finger on me and he knows that if he did I would be out the door, but he can be aggressive and unpleasant when he looses it.

I don;t think anyone's marriage is perfect though.

We have not been to relate but it is something we have considered, but we have talked a lot and he has spoken about issues in a therapy session with me.

One problem we have is that because dp such a great bloke and I am hard work he does assume everything must be my fault.

twinset - it sounds very similar, I am feeling a bit put out but a lot of what he has said is true. I've always feared that one day he'd wake up and realise that I'm not that great, it turns out he's known all along and loves me anyway.

please try and go to relate - it really is good. It is a sad fact of modern life there there is just not the support form the comunity for marriages.

Also dont try to 'over- think' about what has happened and work out whos fault it is etc.

Try and focus on the positive in your relationship at the moment - he is probably feeling just as bad as you at the moment.

Take care

sadme - thats what love is - knowing what someones faults are and still caring. And it sounds like there is not a lot wrong with your marriage. Its almost impossible to live with someone and not get on their nerves about something. The trick is learning to live with the foibles you can't change and change the ones you have to. I've learned to tell my dh when he is being an arse because that way it doesn't fester, and he returns the favour.

Go to relate if you want to but it doesn't sound like your marriage is in that bad a state.

Twinset and sadme, I have had something similar, thinking everything must be my fault because he is so great in other ways. Last year i was really depressed PND, took ADs and had some counseling and started to understand it was not all me, one reason i am controlling is because DH is not good at making decisions, always defers to me, so then I feel i cant trust his judgement so i take more control. Then I feel resentful because the responsibility is not shared.

sadme wrote: "I've always feared that one day he'd wake up and realise that I'm not that great, it turns out he's known all along and loves me anyway."
that is such a great start.
we're all difficult to live with at times. often when we say we can't stand someone we otherwise love it's generally the behaviour we can't stand rather than the person, it just comes out badly in the heat of the moment.
it does sound like outside counselling would probably be helpful for you as you seem to be aware of what's going on anyway, but an ousider may help to give you a bit of a different perspective.
hope everything goes ok for you

That actually makes real sense to me sherbert, not sure dp would agree though!