Ex partner had a new baby

[Poppyflowers122]

A few years ago I was seeing this guy, he ended up being pretty awful to me, I found out that he'd been the same with his ex wife and other girls he'd dated since her so we separated. Just after that I found out I was pregnant, he spent months begging to fix things and to be in his baby's life (hundreds of nasty texts a day, ended up with police involvement due to stalking and harrasment, etc. I had an awful pregnancy due to it all. No baby shower, no excitement. Often had to hide in my house because he was outside. Very unwell with stress related high BP which was harming baby and myself so he had to be born via c section almost a month early), in the end i said i was fine with him being involved with the baby but we were not getting back together (obviously). About a month before I gave birth, he disappeared...turned out that while he was putting me through all of that hell while i was pregnant, he'd been seeing someone for quite a while.
Never heard from him again, he's never met his kid, never tried to. No interest at all.
Fast forward 4 years and I've found out that him and his partner (the one he got with when I was pregnant) have had a baby.
For some reason this has really thrown me off and I've been really upset and angry. I dont know if its because my child was just thrown aside and forgotten or if its because it seems that he actually was good to her and she got to enjoy her pregnancy and all of that and I certainly did not. I have no time for the guy, I'm very aware he's a piece of crap and he hardly crossed my mind until now but since finding that out I've just been feeling so down.
Anyone been through anything like this?

Stop checking what they are up to and move on with your life.

I can understand why you feel upset for your own child and what he put you through, but from what you’ve said your child is better off without your ex in their life. I would feel whole heartedly sorry for his new partner- leopards don’t change their spots. I would definitely advise against you getting in touch to air your upset. Try and move on, maybe some counselling would help?

@MissmyoldLab I definitely won't be getting in touch with them, the reason I didn't chase him to sign the birth cert or for child maintenance is because I know that my life would be awful if he was around in any form...so I just left him to it, happy with him keeping a distance. That's why it's so strange that this news affected me so much.

@Poppyflowers122 Emotions are indeed odd at times and unexpected. Maybe you just need time to get used to this new info and you can put him back in the box in your head where he belongs. You sound like a sensible woman! Take care x

You’ve had a lucky escape, he’s probably a rubbish dad anyway and your child is probably better off without him in his life, get on with yours and enjoy your child.

I can totally understand why it would throw you off hearing this - there’s a big gap between what we know we should be feeling and what we actually feel when it comes to betrayal like this. It must have been really hard coping alone with the pregnancy and raising your child, even though you’ve proven yourself a far better parent than he is. Just remember he is already a terrible father for what he’s done to your child, no amount of doing things differently the next time (if he even is) changes that reality, and you’re allowed to be angry. But you can also remind yourself that it isn’t you that’s let your child down, and you deserve to be happy with or without a man around. People rarely change dramatically, so I imagine his new partner’s not having a great time either, but that is on her for being with him.

Yanbu to be upset it’s a very emotional thing to happen. Yabu if you haven’t applied to chikd
maintenance

This is a completely different situation but similar in some ways.. I have two children with my partner, my mum and dad are the best grandparents you could wish for for your children, however my partners parents have met my 7 year old twice (by chance bumping into us) and never met my 6 month old. She doesn’t see my partner much as he works and granted he makes the same amount of effort that she does (none really) but it annoyed me for a long time that his mum was so involved with her other grandchildren, she see’s them nearly every day, makes the effort to go to their houses, spoils them at Christmas and birthdays etc but has absolutely zero interest in our children. They don’t even get a birthday card. There’s been no fall outs either. Anyway I used to look at her Facebook and feel enraged every time I saw a picture of her spending time with the other grandchildren.

My mum said to me one day ‘speak to her and tell her how you feel’ and I just realised in that moment that I wouldn’t want a single thing to change, and the thought of me addressing that might make her start to make effort and I would never ever want her involved with my children now. She’s shown she’s a shit person and I don’t want shit people in my kids life. They have everything and more with my family and I now feel lucky that she doesn’t want to be involved because I want my children to grow up with a close loving family. It was the thought of things being any different that made me let go of that feeling and now she doesn’t cross my mind.

He might have been great towards his new wife and great in her pregnancy, equally she might be going through hell, nobody posts those parts, but either way, for what he did to you, that personality trait is still a part of him and if you can do what he did, you’re a shit person and your child is lucky he chose not to be in their life. You don’t miss what you’ve never had, you don’t feel any type of loss for what you’ve never known. Unfortunately his new child will probably see things that your child is lucky to never have to experience. Xx

You don't know that he's been good to her or that she got to enjoy her pregnancy. You don't know anything about their relationship. Given his history, it's highly unlikely that he's suddenly turned into boyfriend of the year! He's probably being just as much of an arsehole as he was to you. Just be glad he's out of your life and move on.

Good advice here, especially from Hol9191. I’m sorry he gave you such a bad time, OP. It’s understandable that you feel hurt, for yourself and DC. But he’s a worthless thug who you and DC are better off without. Can you talk this through with a close friend or a counsellor?

Just don’t make the mistake of contacting him. He’s a dangerous man and could hurt you and DC so much more.

I wish you and DC much happiness living peacefully together.

Just remember that people can present their lives however they choose, but you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

A man who could do all that to you while pregnant with his child, just imagine what he could be like to the other woman and her child when alone with them in the house. Your feedings are completely understandable. Just remember that you got away from him and guaranteed are much happier without a despicable man like that in your life.

Thank you everyone for your advice and telling me your stories and experiences. It's all helped alot. Just a had a little wobble there but I've put him right to the back of mind again :)