This is a long post – in part to try and get things clear in my head as I write. Ultimately, I need the strength to leave and stop the cycle of thinking I’m imagining things. I’m approaching a cross-roads in life and with work, where now is likely a good time practically to finally pull the plug – but why do I keep stopping myself.
Been with DH for 18 years. We have two DC (ages 9 and 11). Both work full time jobs, limited family support but we manage, and generally have busy work and social lives. We are comfortable money wise albeit large mortgage and outgoings.
The issues are – in no particular order – sleep in different bedrooms, sexless marriage for 4 years, avoid spending time with each other, no intimacy at all. We rarely have family or spend much family time together much to my sadness as he is very picky (and not for healthy food). I’ve had solo counselling and discussed issues. He nit picks and is controlling. Just wants to focus on practical stuff - not much fun or enjoyment. He drinks a lot – a controlled drinking problem in my view. After eldest DC was born, I started to have panic attacks when he’d nit pick and the penny dropped that it wasn’t my fault - the realisation of what he was like. I got the panic attacks under control but I will never forget the way he made me felt.
Will drink 5 times per week and won’t eat to enable drinking habit. He shouts at the children – with a particular focus on for one of the DC. We’ve had some joint marriage counselling session which didn’t help matters generally. I don’t have the energy or inclination to pursue counselling again.
During term time and mid-week, we rub along fine. Weekends and holidays are a different story. It’s hard to make plans with him – he doesn’t want to go for walks, go on outings as a family, etc. The lack of togetherness has really made us drift and me check out.
I’ve slowing been getting my ducks in order: finances organised, consulting with a solicitor and viewed a house on a speculative basis to see what I could afford for me and the DC to live in. I’ve found a new better job for the long term.
The question is: why am I finding it so hard to actually tell him I want a divorce and get that ball moving. I’ve told him over the last 1-2 years how I feel and explained how I am worried we’re heading for divorce and cannot continue with things as they are. I want to leave. I genuinely cannot see how our marriage could be saved. I dream of a life for me and DC without him. I just need the guts to do it. There are times when things are on an even keel at home and we’re rubbing along well, I think I’ve been imagining all the bad stuff. It’s driving me crazy.