Conflicted

[Toommanyhandbags]

I am looking for some advice from people who can look from the outside in
I'm generally from a very close family, speak to them every day, see them 2 or 3 times a week which i know is lovely (2 brothers) . I work full time and try to juggle family, I have 2 small girls, friends, hobbies id like to do and work, I'm a nurse. My partner works full time as well. I feel like over the last 5 years the expectations of my family have become excessive. They expect to be put first, even during working hours and for me to spend weekends and some week evenings with them rather than friends. I am expected to spend the same amount of money on things as they do even though I don't have the same money and if I decline it's a case of oh but you spent this much going out with so and so last week. It was said to me today that 'I've never known anyone go out as much as you, i never did that, thought you would have grown out of it'.
There is a judgement on me if I go somewhere they disapprove of or with someone they don't like. I feel guilty then because I do have to a tendency to be a people pleaser.
Friday is my sister in laws birthday and another meal out and my partner is putting his foot down but we have been out on meals the last few weekends and I'm torn because I don't know what is the right thing to do. I know this is a bit of a waffle and obviously there's more of a history to everything but how do you set boundaries, stop feeling guilty. I just can't keep up with everything

Your family are being unreasonable to comment on how you spend your money and time, and to use this as an excuse and guilt trip you into for why you should spend time and money with them. It’s lovely they want to see you but I would find that over bearing too.

im not sure your sister in laws birthday meal is the right time for DH to put his foot down, since it’s an actual occasion and could cause some upset. Personally I would go to that one but then hold back on future events that are less likely to cause a stir.

it does sound like you need to be firmer with your boundaries, and not let their comments put you off doing what you want to do. You are completely within your right to say “thank you for inviting us out, unfortunately we can’t make it this time but I hope you have al lovely time” - you don’t need an excuse.

If it helps to set boundaries for yourself then you could have a look at your monthly budget and allocate spend. So you k ow each month you have x amount for meals out, x amount for days out etc, and then if they invite you but you’ve already used up your budget for the month you know you have to say no. But you don’t have to justify it to them or explain, a no thank you is a no thank you

You don't have to spend as much of your free time with your family if you don't want to - you just need to put your big girl pants on and take control of your own life! It's none of their business how you choose to spend your money or how often you see your friends or go out - tell them that.

Start turning down their invitations and don't make up excuses - just say I can't make that I'm afraid, we're busy that night or we're out that weekend. It's perfectly valid to want to do other things. If they are unhappy with your choices, let them be unhappy. You're not responsible for how they choose to respond to you. It's out of your control. Once you accept that the only thing you have control over is what YOU do, you'll be a lot happier.

You're enmeshed with your extended family who demands you put them ahead of your livelihood and your own family. Their demands are ludicrous and you know that.

You need therapy to find your way out the the fog of fear, obligation, and guilt. You're going to have to say no.

You're going to have to be putting boundaries on them, starting with contact. Mute them while you're at work. If you're working bedside, you can't be prioritizing them over giving patient care. You know they'll explode. So what. Would you rather someone be harmed because you won't put boundaries on your family?

Stop the daily calls. Make a budget and refuse to spend past your means.

See them less. You're busy. You have a nuclear family and life. That should be your priority.

Will they come over and assault you? Call the police.

I agree with PPs. You need to take back control of your life, they are being intrusive although it's lovely you have family around you. But it needs to be on your terms.
Don't tell your family when you are going out or how much you spend.

Bit I also agree with a PP that the latest meal is not the place to start the new you. Talk to your DH and try to agree you go this time, and start putting in boundaries there after.