Feeling stuck after separation

[diamondapple]

I separated 18 months ago from my DH (it was a long marriage). We have three teen dc. I was the one who wanted the separation as our marriage had become pretty toxic - we'd had a lot of stressful situations and pressures over the years, and things built up. The last few years, my ex became really horrible and emotionally abusive and I just couldn't take it any more.

When we first separated, there was a lot of anger and hurt on both sides but things seem to have settled down. He's now renting a place in the same town as I do and he and I co parent amicably. We still see each other a lot with the kids pick ups, drop offs etc. We have family events and celebrations together. I am still in the family home (which we both own), so he sometimes comes over to help me if something needs fixing etc, and I also help him out, eg if he goes away I look after his animals, if he's ill I take round food for him etc.

I'm just feeling that this is a bit of a weird situation. I don't feel I'm moving on. I really care for my ex like a family member. I still enjoy sometimes having a chat with him, and we sometimes play boardgames all together with the dc and have a laugh.

But I don't want to get back into a relationship with him. There is no physical attraction, and I know that the problems we had in the relationship would probably resurface if we got back together.

But something in me is finding it hard to let go of this strange relationship we have. I also don't know how I can let go of it. We are still tied together with the dc and the house. Financially we will need to sell the house in a couple of years, so I'm wondering if that will help move things on.

Sometimes I feel lonely and feel like I would love to have a relationship again (with the right person). I have met a guy I really like, but we're not even dating, as I'm holding back. The thought of dating feels strange and I think I would feel guilty about my ex. He's not dating and says he isn't interested in meeting anyone (I think it's partly because he struggles with his mental health, and might find it a bit overwhelming at the moment).

I just feel stuck in many ways at the moment - with my ex, still living in the family home and all the memories etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Firstly I just want to say it sounds like you are doing the best for your children, separation is hard for everyone but it sounds like you and exH have put your children first through all of this, that’s admirable

It will take time to move on, 18 months isn’t very long when the marriage was years or decades so don’t put pressure on yourself to feel ready and feel different, I think that will come in time

it sounds like you’ve got a good friendship with exH but maybe that’s a bit more than what you need right now, i know it’s super handy to have someone to pop in and help out but perhaps finding a handy man in the local area so you need exH less might help you. But that’s up to you to decide where the boundaries are, there isn’t any right or wrong.

I think a large part of separation is not really knowing who you are after, because so much of you was tied up in your marriage. so make sure you’ve signed up to some activities for yourself, to meet new people and find purpose outside of your marriage and children

@LemonBellyy Thank you!

Yes I think I need to remember that maybe 18 months isn't that long to get over a marriage separation - I spent the first 15 months grieving everything! Even now I still feel very sad and nostalgic at times but it's not as intense as it was before.

I really resonate with what you said about not knowing who you are after a separation. I feel like I'm stuck in a sort of limbo, where I'm not a wife any more or part of a traditional family set up, but I don't feel I'm living a single life either, it's somewhere in between.

That's definitely a good idea for me to try to meet new people and try new activities, I think that would help me to move on.