When one partner is not savvy or organised

[Exhaustedanxious]

My marriage is tiring. We both work but my salary covers everything. My husband earns minimum wage and has no way of earning more. My job is stressful but pays well.
For education and cultural reasons as well as some neurodivergence my husband cannot get a better job, cannot get a grip on house admin or finances or being organised. He does work hard and is reliable and commited to what he does. His workmates and boss like him.
He grew up overseas and his childhood is defined by emotional abuse, instability and immature parents.
Here he has a comfortable life and has been able to give our children everything he never had. This is not primarily down to my salary but also my organisation skills, budgeting skills and commitment to improving family life. Our salaries go into a joint account and we both have access to the same disposable income. We don’t live in luxury but if he fancies a new pair of jeans from Zara or a meal out with mates, the money is there in moderation. I am not sure if he takes this for granted or if he is so clueless he doesn’t even think.
i sometimes think about divorce. I am tired. I am fed up trying to help him get a grip on his life. I love him and I want to be with him except when it feels like I am married to a child.
I am bored of the parking tickets he doesn’t realise he got and then I have to sort out the extortionate fine. I am bored of him using my brain instead of his (eg not reading emails properly or not bothering to understand the instructions on a microwave meal and interrupting me to translate or explain). His English is fine. He can do it but his brain tells him it’s easier to ask me.
I am bored of him not doing proper house cleaning because his standards as so low and he refuses to improve them. I am bored of being the only one who knows what is going on in the house. I could go on and on with the examples. It’s all mental load.

there are some things he could change and he does, but then the inconsistency creeps back on after a few weeks.

its all part of his neurodivergence and I know it’s his brain wiring and this is what I have to accept as my life.

he makes friends easily because he is never stressed. I am considered to be boring and serious and when we go out with other couples I am mostly ignored. I am tired and I do always have a worry on my mind from all the responsibility I carry.

deep down in all the resentment I feel I worry about the financials. The house we own is down to:
my large deposit before we met. I saved in my 20s because I am sensible.
my salary paying the mortgage over the last 17 years
the effort I have put into finding good value for home improvements or interest rates
Calculated risk that I researched and I took on to move house and get up the property ladder. He can’t even explain what we have done to get to where we are because his brain wasn’t present for any of it.

he does he childcare now kids are older and it’s easy (football). When they were babies my mum acted as a second parent. He never did nighttimes because I breastfed. He didn’t even try to find a way to help. He just used excuses because that’s how his ND brain functions.

if we ever divorced he would likely get 50% as I am responsible for making sure he has a roof over his head. I don’t mind this as technically it would eventually go back to our kids as inheritance, but I am desperately scared of another woman getting her hands on it. He is charming and good-looking. I know that he would pass all admin to a new woman as quickly as possible. He has absolutely no natural ability to manage any kind of admin at all. He cannot hold information in his head. He doesn’t understand anything more complex that a mortgage has an interest rate and it must be paid every month. He can’t budget. He can’t hold information in parallel in order to reach a decision where there’s more than one option.

i would be devastated if another woman got her name on the deeds of any flat he bought with 50%. I have worked so hard in order to provide a home for my kids and hopefully an inheritance for them.

does anyone else feel like divorce laws in this country do not take context into account?

Living a miserable half-life - and subjecting your children to parents in a dysfunctional marriage, which will inform their own template for their own adult relationships - isn’t worth keeping half a flat for. It really isn’t. You’re what, in your forties? Anything could happen between now and your deaths in hopefully several decades time, focusing on whether he might remarry or not and making it key to whether you divorce or not is just part of the sunk cost fallacy. If money to leave for the children as inheritance is one of your primary concerns, your husband costs you money as it is, all of which you could save and invest if he wasn’t around draining it.

does anyone else feel like divorce laws in this country do not take context into account?
The law can’t take subjective context into account. It can’t adjudicate on whether the share of housework in a household was fair or not or whether one party had a “good enough” reason for not doing it. It feels unfair, but you just have to let it go and think of rebuilding your future finances, which is going to be a hell of a lot easier when you aren’t essentially funding an extra dependent.

OP, I understand how frustrating it is to have to run a household on your own as the only fully functioning adult, while the other gets to be the fun, relaxed partner.
It's like when my partner tells me "don't stress about it. It always works itself out in the end"... No, it doesnt. I work it out, I fix it, I solve the problem, I do the work and that's why things are okay. It's not magic or good luck. It's hard work, planning, effort and consistency.

However, you did choose this partner. And knowing who he was, you chose to have a family with him.
You must have known he wasn't functioning on your level. Yet somehow you found him attractive as a life partner and a father to your children.
Nobody forced you to make that choice. And in that choice, you've also made a committment. One where both of you give what you can to this marriage, pour into it what you have, and consider it your common possessions. You can't opt out of that committment because you're now realising that your potential is a lot higher than his.
Because even though you're probably better than him in most aspects, you don't get to decide that that makes him worth less as a person. In marriage you say in sickness in health, for better or worse. You don't get to say that you deserve a larger stake in the house, just because you've deemed him consistently less valuable to the household than you. If you were the man in this equation and you were saying your part-time working wife or stay at home mother to your children should get less of the house, you would be burned alive here. You don't get to say that. These laws exist to protect one person from being deemed less worthy, because the contributions they made didn't result in financial gain. But peope can contribute in so many ways.

You entered a marriage, knowing what that meant. Whatever wealth was built throughout the marriage, is shared. Period. Whoever gathered or built it, doesn't matter, because you were a union.

Now, do I think you're justified to want a divorce? Absolutely. It must be impossibly frustrating to live with someone who functions below your abilities. You need and deserve a different partner. HOWEVER, he also needs and deserves a different partner. One who won't hold his (lack of) abilities against him and values him as a person. And while it's understandable that you're frustrated, you've resorted to contempt.
No one deserves to feel contempt from their spouse. That's the most horrible thing you can do to someone you're supposed to love. In that sense, he deserves better too.

OP I know its shit. I had a similar ish experience with my ex husband. And he behaves exactly how I thought he would. But the benefits out way the positives - I am free.

I know this sounds flippant but its true - You (and me) can always earn more money. That fact I can control. So I provide a home for my kids, I will provide an inheritance for them too. What my ex H chooses to do - I cannot control. When I initially got divorced, I was angry that I had to buy him out and sort out the financial shit that was part of our marriage. My credit card took a battering until the finances were split and settled. But years on, my money is mine, what I spend it on is my decision alone. I have paid off the debt. I am free.

I am quite interested by how little you believe he can do. My question to you is whether his ND really IS this debilitating, or if he finds certain things harder and therefore happily just opts out? I am inclined to think it's the latter becuase, based on your OP, I don't believe you would have fallen in love with a man who is coming across in your post as having actual learning disabilities and not just ND.

My DH is not diagnosed. DS is. We now recognise a lot of the things that Dh finds difficult and suspect that he also has inattentive ADHD (also his mother, sister, at least one nephew but more likely 2, and possibly brother).

This is the difference between my DH and yours....

Mine accepts that some things are hard. But he IS an intelligent man and he is also a kind and loving man, and so over the years (and yes, it didn't happen instantly or without a lot of work and compromise on both sides), we have got to a point where we are (mostly) at a good balance where he a) has put in place tools to help him with certain things b) I take on more of the tasks he finds difficult c) he takes on more of the tasks that he finds easier.

So example from category a) - he likes camping. He has created a long list of things he feels he needs for camping. This list is kept in a safe place and he gets it out every time he takes the DC camping. He has also got very comfortale saying out loud and ignoring any judgement that he is 100% not interested in camping without an electricity point because the effort of no electricity is not something he wants to do. He also plans trips that allow him to get to the campsite ridiculously early, even though that's often inconvenient, because he cannot cope with feelign like he has to rush to put up his tent, especially if it is getting dark. In other words, he has done the work to make this possible.

On b) I take on more of the mental load. This can be annoying, but in light of c) I accept this as the overall load feels a bit more even. He does takes on things on the mental load side that are less time sensitive or that have less of an urgent impact. For example, he handles any DIY, he books and manages dentists appointments, he's in charge of all tech issues and subscriptions etc. He handles things like electricuity and council tax etc, but I take on discussions re mortgages and insurance claims. I also do all meal planning and prep becuase frankly, left ot him, it would be a disaster.

c) he has stepped up at a practical level. He's long been the primary carer and works part time to facilitate this. He does 90% of the laundry. He does any and all heavy lifting at home. He fetches and carries the children to activities. He does the bulk of the day to day tidying up. I have nothing to do with the garden whatsoever. With effort, he has mastered the morning routine and can take his turn at getting kids breakfasted, lunchboxed etc (this was actually quite hard for him - which drove me mad but he persisted). he unloads the dishwasher a lot more often than me.

The result is that I earn th evast bulk of our income but I do'nt feel hard done by. yes, there are still moments of frustration etc, but I feel like I have a partner. One who brings effort to the boring tasks. And who brings his charm and good humour and ability to adapt for the benefit of all ofus.

ETA: One thing though taht I think has saved us is a cleaner. we didn't have one for a while and it was awful. He wouldn't do it and then when he finally DID do it, he'd do a great job, but spend 4 hours cleaning two bathrooms. It nearly broke us and I'd give up a LOT now before I'd give up my cleaner.

Reminds me of my ex husband. Any problem at all he would say it'll be fine. No it won't be bloody fine, you have to make sure it will and plan.
Who cares if he's ND or not. Just get rid. He is wrecking your life.
I was never happier than when my idiot husband walked out. Better to leave now while you can still earn enough money to make up the divorce costs.

This reminds me so much of how I felt when I was married, I felt contempt at how different our abilities were. He is now with someone who adores him and is much happier.

I am also much happier because I couldn't cope with having an extra child around (him). Which begs the question, why did I marry someone so I'll suted to me? Low self esteem, fear of being alone and he was a good laugh 🤷🏼‍♂️

What do you VALUE about your husband that you'd be lost without? Or do you only feel responsible for him? What does he bring to the table?

I married my husband when he was 32 and I was 18. He was the strong person in our relationship as he was worldly and I wasn't. But as soon as I started working, that all changed.

I think some of it was my fault. I wanted to play house and I took over the cleaning and cooking. Then when mortgages needed renewing, house insurance, car insurance etc .... it was given to me to deal with as I was more financially savvy.

Then I started earning more than him. We both worked full time but I did literally everything. He got home and sat down in front of the TV whereas I got home and had to do everything around the house.

He stopped even trying. He just let me take over, let me pay for everything ... everything was always up to me to decide. It drove me potty.

He then lost his job and was at home full time, but he didn't do anything. If I was lucky he would run the hoover around. I once went on a course for 2 days. He went out for dinner as he didn't know how to turn the oven on, and when i got home i asked if he had done any housework and he said he had put some bleach down the toilet!! He would spend all day watching movies and I'd get home and cook his dinner. I looked after him totally.

Anyway, after 32yrs I left him in March this year. We still talk and he is struggling. He can't do anything himself. It makes me feel guilty, but people keep telling me he is a grown arse man and he can survive. But he is existing on cheese, white bread, pork pies and sausage rolls because he can't work out how to use the Airfryer.

I don't understand this, how did he get to 32 without knowing how to do basic housework and cooking?

I'm so proud of you for leaving him but you need to see how this appears to me - you are saying that he is incapable of opening Google on his phone, typing in 'how to use [brand] airfryer' and following instructions on either video or in writing (and there are both, for all airfryers) but he is able to operate a TV, a phone and a car? It's just not possible, sorry. He is just horribly lazy and manipulating you. He has simply never actually tried.

This doesn’t sound like neurodivergence. 🙄 This just sounds like he’s lazy. I bet me managed just fine before he met you and lumped all the adulting on you.

He was mollycoddled by his mum, married prior to me coming along. Divorced, back to mum ..... then met me.

Totally incapable of doing anything.

Our post redirection ended. I asked if he had informed everyone of his new address including HMRC, personal pension providers, driving licence .... and i get told 'no, i don't know how'. So then, even though we are separated, I end up still trying to help him.

He couldn't set up the Internet, TV log ons, Internet banking. I keep having to go over and do it for him.

My parents get annoyed telling me he is using me emotionally so I feel sorry for him and continue to run around after him. My new partner seethes.

It’s exhausting and you will become more and more resentful as time goes on.

It’s a horrible realisation knowing that this is it for him. He hasn’t and won’t improve, and basically you are stuck with his inadequacies unless you do something about it.

How long have you been together and how old are your children?

He isnt incapable, he is just lazy. Do you actually believe he can drive a car but he cant Google how to do an address change? Do you really, genuinely believe that's true?
What do you think would happen if you didn't do it for him?

@Belladog1 You need to just say ‘work it out then’
They become this lazy by facilitating it. If you didn’t do it he would have to.

Is he interested in changing or using strategies to help?

Has he ever had any professional advice on strategies for his ND?

It’s one thing that this doesn’t come naturally but another to just sit back and let someone else do all of the work without trying to see if there are ways to help yourself.

No you don’t have to keep doing anything. So stop it.

You’re a complete mug. He could easily google it, but he likes women doing it for him, and his manipulative tactics are now level: Expert.

im in the same position OP

@Exhaustedanxious
That sounds completely relentless.... And madly exhausting.

Does he know you're considering leaving?

If you still love him (although this sort of life would make my ovaries shrivel!), would /could you give him a time boundaried time to really step up to take some of the onerous but easier tasks... And get some serious neurodivergent coaching... Some of this is excellent. So at least you could see he was making EFFORT??