so, no-one is perfect, however, I'm not that bad......

[narkedagain]

...DH and I, for the most part, have a really good relationship. However, like anyone else, every now and then I get cross about something he's done/not done/said/not said etc. For the most part, nothing major,but enough to upset me. But that is not allowed. As long as every thing is ok, we're ok. As soon as I try to suggest he's anything other than perfect, then WW3 breaks out and I am a "misereable, selfish, cow/bitch/whatever". So, do I just shut up and put up (because most of the time our relationship is fine) or do i stand my ground and live a life of not speaking to each other and potentially splitting up?

Maybe there's a middle way where you find a way to complain about something wrong, that doesn't make him so upset?

I'd try to sit down and talk through this problem with him, make it about making for better communication ... maybe emphasize that you can tell that when you complain, it obviously hurts him, and you want to find a way to talk about these things without it blowing up?

(His response does sound unreasonable and difficult ... but pointing that out is unlikely to help.)

Have been trying to find a middle way since forever.Wish I could find it. For the most part, he is fantastic. But not perfect (nor am I, obviously) , and it seems I have to ignore his shortcomings (which I do for the most part, cos mainly they are insignificant), whilst he can rant and rave about mine. Perhaps I'm kidding myself that we can get over this.

i think there are ways to get round this. eg. he doesn't take his cups to the sink. so put the cups by his computer / by his bed and don't clear them up. don't pick up his washing. don't say a word and eventually he'll get the message. might take some explaining to your friends who come round, but worth it.

a friend of mine's dh refused to do washing up. so she stopped doing it. they'd have friends round, the washing up would pile up in the sink, they'd have to eat off paper plates, the kitchen stank, but eventually he did the washing up and no more problems since.

Thanks Warthog, if it was practical stuff like that, your suggestion woudl work. but he's really good around the house. It's more that I have been one big disappointment to him. For the most part he's great, but I am not allowed to say when I am hurt or upset. When I do,he reminds me what a disappointment I have been to him, calls me names and throws things around. Which is not at all in character. i think the bottom line is that I am not good enough for him so perhaps I just need to walk away and let him find someone who comes up to his standards.

Could a "praise sandwich" method work? I really love it that you X, but I find it difficult when you Y?

Alongside all the usual rules about good marital communication:

• talking face to face
• using 'I' statements
• not saying 'never' or 'always'

etc etc.

And maybe going at things very sideways might help - write him a little note? With some positive things and one small negative?

What sort of things does he say or do that bother you?

And, ok, he rants and raves, but does your message get in?

Tbh, I don't think his response indicates that he doesn't think you're good enough for him - it's that he responds badly to criticism and goes on the offensive.

Is couples counselling an option?

NQC, some good points there. It's just hard after 20+ years together to be constantly criticised, and when you think your relationship is close enough to discuss the things that sadden you, to have them all thrown back in your face and to be told that you're just a waste of space. I don't think counselling woudl work, because he'd just say it's all my fault/all my short comings that affect the marriage. He, of course, is perfect.

It certainly sounds difficult - I hear you on this. I don't think I would be able to put up with this sort of behaviour.

I think a good counsellor would push him to listen to you, and to speak to you more sensibly. And, if nothing else, counselling could get you a good divorce, if that's the way it has to go. He sounds very insecure, and unhappy, tbh, to behave this way (which doesn't make it ok!).

Does he talk this way to you in front of your children?