Is this it or can it be saved

[Selfcareandlove]

I am struggling with affection in my relationship. This has made me deeply insecure. We have been married for 3 years now and I love him like I have never loved anyone before. I am 39 years old and he is 45.

However recently there has been many arguments and this comes down to lack of affection provided by my husband. I often say I am sorry after any arguments. I feel very unloved and as if he doesn’t care, he does support me though with a whole host of things. He states he does love me but doesn’t need to show affection to demonstrate that.

there is no affairI am 100% certain he is lovely man and I know wouldn’t do that.

my question is how do I get my point across everytime I try but I don’t say what I really want to as I really don’t want to upset him. However it then turns out the issues are then aimed at me as he is so good at speaking and I accept it and say sorry. When he asks for examples of anything I say I can never remember so it’s hard to show him how I feel.

Latest argument was he stated things need to change if there is a future I am so scared of losing hiim, please any advice would be greatly received

i admit my insecurity has caused me to act not great in some situations I have gone very silent and I think have made comments that have subtle hints , this is not me but I am stuck at how to communicate without it coming back that I am the issue.
is wanting some sort of affection that wrong I don’t really ask for much?
.

I would like to add that things like giving a kiss goodnight, if I do it that’s fine but it I do not do it I sometimes wait to see if he will, he won’t it always has to be me that makes the first move.
Is that normal ? As previous relationships it’s always been like 50/50

You sound incredibly insecure and he sounds quite cold / unaffectionate. A recipe for disaster. He also sounds manipulative. “Good with words” in an argument = gaslighting, quite often.

It all sounds really hard work. You’re still young. Is this what you want for the next 40 years?

The issue being is he will say I do this or you make me feel this. However it’s as if he is describing exactly what I feel and if I say that he will say it’s not a competition.
Everytime we talk I end up apologising and never get my point across. He is a teacher so is able to talk very well however gaslighting is something I have started to think about.

i am very insecure which i am working on but is the insecurity due to lack of affection, or fear of loss or both?

It all comes down to what you want? What you’ve described isn’t the most awful behaviour - you just sound like you have different communication styles and expectations from a relationship. The constant clash and forever trying to ‘get your point across’ sounds exhausting, however. How do you see your life panning out over the next few decades? Many people get by fine in lacklustre, unfulfilling relationships because they are beneficial in other ways (financial, better for the kids etc). You have to decide what you want and what’s important to you.

Financially I am in a better position than him, although not saying it would be easy. I have put a lot more financially into the relationship and it’s mostly protected made a mistake on a couple of things. It is exhausting not being able to get my point across although he will state it’s exhausting trying to give validation to the relationship. This is what I mean when I say he describes exactly how I feel

If it were me, I’d knock this on the head. But I value my peace over everything and would not entertain the tediousness of going round in circles arguing. In fact, I can’t think of anything worse. Relationships should enhance one’s life, and make it easier, IMO. I hope you figure out what you want. Best of luck.

Obviously we only have a snapshot but it does sound a bit like conjuring an argument over nothing. You have admitted you’re insecure. Maybe have a look at the ‘attachment styles’ stuff and see if you recognise yourself and him.

attachment style I know I am anxious and he is avoidant. A lot of things are for what he wants to do and I go along with I just think everything I say he will always turn round and say it’s me. I end up apologising and then it will start again as the things that caused the argument are not mended as I never said what causes my insecurity. In his mind I am the issue due to the way we communicate as when I do want to discuss I backtrack and apologise and it ends up me being in the wrong time and time again

It’s a little cheezy but the basic principles of ‘the 5 love languages’ are pretty good. You can buy the book online. Basically we all tend to communicate our love in different ways - some do it through words, others do it through physical touch etc. If your partner is showing love in a different way to you it can be a major source of conflict. It’s worth a read.

Honestly you sound completely incompatible as a couple and you’re tying yourself in knots trying to fit a square it into a round hole.

He is who he is, you are who you are. You sound very insecure and so a man who is cool and distant isn’t wrong but he’s wrong for you.

Its a case of two people who are very different - neither of you are right or wrong, you just don’t fit.

Couples counselor here.

I see a few things wrong in your relationship.

• You're letting your insecurities and your fear of losing him restrict you from communicating how you really feel and what you really need from him.
• Whenever problems are addressed, they turn into a competition with a winner and a loser (the one who admits they were wrong). You usually end up being the loser. However, in healthy relationship you're supposed to be a team, and you both win when you find a way to fix the issue that makes you both happy
• There is a power imbalance between you and your husband. He cares more about not being wrong than he cares about you feeling heard and happy in your relationship. That's deeply selfish. He uses his strength and verbally bulldozes you so he ends up on top. He never wonders whether you actually had a valid point or how this makes you feel. This way he limits every opportunity for growth and learning how to be better partners for each other.

These are actually quite serious problems and they will likely lead to the breakdown of your marriage. Over time resentment will keep building up until things between you can't be salvaged.
I would advise couples counseling to see if you can still break this dynamic. But counseling only works if you're both willing to address your part.

Thank you for this, it’s actually very accurate and has given me loads of perspective.

i am working on my insecurity and the way I communicate, however when I want to say something it do not ever really get my message across as fear of upsetting.

thank you so much for the response I do want it to work but there does need to be chsnges as it’s terrible living this way for me, and I would imagine for my husband as well.

You're absolutely justified to need change.
No one can function in a marriage when your partner feels like your adversary instead of your teammate.
And while you alone can't change an entire dynamic, you can start to invite him to a healthier dynamic. You could change your languate to 'us' rather than 'me' or 'you'. You could talk about what the relationship needs, rather than what you need. You could speak towards positive change for both of you, rather than communicating complaints or criticism.
Now, he could very well refuse this invitation, because it's humbling to admit he was part of the problem. He may not want to do that.
But then at least you know, and you can move on knowing you've tried everything you could.

Thank you we had a talk about things , he said I need to change through my insecurities. Still want a future as such but and it’s a big but it can’t be always my fault that’s not fair and I am sure affection is withdrawn at present on purpose due to our conflicts. Again this seems unfair to me but maybe his way of dealing with it.

Maybe it’s time to move on, it will be a big disaster for me and I am going to be heartbroken but I can’t keep taking the blame for everything and be the one keep trying and not get anything in return,