Unhealthy or domestic abuse?

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Hi all,

I can't believe I'm in this situation. I can't believe I'm even creating this post. I need your ears and your shoulders, and your perspectives. Goddamn this is hard... I hope someone has enough patience to read through it...

I reached my limit two days ago. He (DP) slammed the front door because DS (8) refused to bring his bike down the path. He slammed the door and DD (5) didn't even flinch. Like she's gotten so used to the occurrence that it doesn't make her jump anymore.
The following morning I was crying my eyes out and he rang. He heard I was upset and I told him why. He apologised and said he knows it was wrong. He'll try not to do it again.

But he always does it again.

This has somehow slowly crept in. Inch by inch, snaking its way in until I can't ignore it any longer. It started when I was pregnant. He went out until 7am in the morning. He had told me he'd be back by 2am... I panicked in my 8 months pregnant state. We had a huge argument. He told me I was being unreasonable and blowing things out of proportion...

Then we moved and it became apparent that DS had special needs. It was a hugely stressful time and when DS started school, there was lots of violence from DS towards me and DD. His fight or flight mode was constantly activated. That would make DP angry and frustrated...

We have holes in our plasterboard walls. We have punch marks in doors. Slammed cupboards, slammed doors, smashed toys, swearing, name calling... All in front of the kids. He's grabbed my arm so hard it ripped my cardigan.

It's become so normalised and I've been constantly excusing it to boot. He finds DS's auDHD hard to deal with or he's stressed at work or he's got alot going on or he needs to up his depression meds. All of that whilst I'm constantly shouldering the burden of everyone's emotional weight, trying to carry them all. Trying to manage every person's emotions so we can cope and survive another day. Managing the house. Managing the meetings. Managing the daily admin.

I feel like I'm giving up if I leave. I feel like I'm causing the kids pain and distress. I feel like I'm going behind his back by pretending I'm okay and lying to his face about it.
Equally, I'm terrified of talking to him and getting the angry DP or the DP who dismisses my emotions as being disproportionate. I know my babies living with his temper, his swearing, his outbursts is probably more damaging than leaving. I know it can't carry on like it is.

But I just don't know how to do it when I have a kid with auDHD, who craves safety and stability, who needs it in order to function in his life. He's just gotten back to a place of stability. I feel like I'm ripping the rug out from under him.
I don't know how to do it when I have no income aside from DLA, Carers Allowance and Child Benefit. No savings. Nothing. I sank £4,000 into this mortgage when we got the house and my solicitor advised me to draft up a statement for DP to sign saying if anything went wrong, he would give me my £4,000 back. I was too afraid to ask him to sign it. Too afraid to even print it.

I'm so sorry if this is a jumble.

He is abusive and you need to protect your children as it will be doing untold harm to them and to you. Can you contact Women’s Aid for some advice?

I will ask for some advice from them.

It's so hard to see the word 'abuse'.

Like I grew up with a violent Dad, an emotionally distant Dad. I think that's always been my measuring stick... That what I saw and went through, that's an abusive relationship.

And with DP constantly telling me, it was just a door or it was just a wall ... I feel like my sense of reality has been manipulated.

I was trying to get through to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline tonight but they were so busy. I had to hang up before DP got home from work.

You mention how do you leave when your son needs safety and security. You leave because currently your children or you don't have safety. Your partner slams doors, punches walls, breaks things and grabs at you. It's a ticking clock, how long before he punches you or hits the kids.
Ring shelter, ring women's aid, get that document for the money signed and get out of that toxic relationship

I grew up witnessing domestic abuse and it was a very long time before I could really admit that is what it was. There were a lot of arguments and broken things in the home and watching this happen was very frightening as a child as you think your world is going to end. There was physical violence too. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your children too. Get help while you can.

I’m so horrified to read this. I hope you find the courage to leave. The finances will fall into place. Your son will be do much better after the adjustment period.

Terrible for you.
If you separate make sure to stipulate that he successfully completes Anger Management Course and shows it well with supervied visits to be able to have the kids on his own.

when I have a kid with auDHD, who craves safety and stability, who needs it in order to function in his life.

Yes, it will be destabilising in the short term for your DS, but in the long term it will be the best thing you could ever do for him. It is not safe or stable for you or your children in the environment currently with your DP. He’s full of excuses, but there is no excuse for his behaviour. Yes, punching holders in the wall, screaming and throwing tantrums is abusive. Making you all walk on eggshells waiting for the next outburst is abusive.

You deserve better than this. Your DC deserve better than this.

Imagine a peaceful home. Really imagine how that would look for you. Happiness and laughter. Now get that for yourself & those babies. You can do it. One step at a time. First the post on here, then a call to Women’s Aid. Well done for moving your children into a safe and calm life.x

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Look at what you were taught by them.

Pregnancy and or birth are flashpoints too for abusive men to show their true colours. The fact you were too afraid to ask him to sign a legal document is very telling of what was going to happen.

You’re repeating your own childhood with this man. If you can go into Boots and ask for ANI (Annie) the staff there will direct you to domestic violence support services. Your children are being directly affected by what they are seeing and hearing around them and now your youngest does not even flinch. And you’re very much afraid of him too. Your children indeed need stability and they will
never get it as long as you and their dad are together. You are not safe with him and the relationship is at an end.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out in his behaviour. Anger management courses are no answer either to domestic violence which is what you are describing here. He does not act like this around his work colleagues or other people in the outside world does he. No he is a bully to you all. Never be afraid to csll the police either.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Your home is not the sanctuary it should be and is akin to a war zone with him carrying out his own private based war against you. No one sadly bothered to protect you as a child but you can and should protect your kids now from him by removing yourselves from his day to day life.

He does behave like this around his work colleagues. His work place is a unique place and he wouldn't be able behave the way he does in any other job. He's broken equipment, shouted at other colleagues...I don't know how he still has a job.

With my own childhood, my Mum did get us out. She left him when I was 7. She took me and my sister away.

Thank you for your posts. They're hard to read but I am reading them.

Op I stayed too long with an identical creature to this and my now 17 year old is now a nervous wreck with mental health problems like you wouldn’t believe. Your son probably won’t even flinch at the split, he’ll feel instant relief. Don’t be under the illusion a single minute more in that relationship will be better than leaving for your children. Nobody should live with holes in their home. I NEVER will again.

He sounds horrendous, what an awful man. Posting here is your first step to freedom and peace. Get support and (quietly) plan your escape. You will not regret it!

My brain keeps holding on to the good stuff. The good stuff is such a stark contrast to the bad stuff that it makes the bad stuff almost unbelievable to my brain.

I desperately want to just talk to him and tell him how scared I am and how it's not acceptable and for it all to be better.

I wish that was an option. God I wish it was. I wish I could say these things to him and for him to get help and change, and for us to be a happy family. I'm devastated.

Trying to keep it together while I leave is so hard too. I'm having to play the happy partner role and happy mum role ... And still meet up with grandparents like there's nothing wrong.

I'm falling to pieces, sat in my car in a co-op car park sobbing my heart out.
I'm trying to get hold of someone to talk to but Im having to wait so long.

Tell the safeguarding lead at school. ask her to help signpost you to advice. You need a paper trail of evidence of this for court when you leave him.
dont tell him you’re leaving him until you’re gone or until he is arrested and you get an occupation order on the home and a non molestation order.

Op ALWAYS judge a man on his worst behaviour as that’s the level he will stoop to. Would you ever treat anyone like that? Would your friends? Would your family? Why not? Because you’re all nice people and nice people don’t have it in them to do this stuff. I’ve been exactly where you are for so long and wish someone had made me see that this behaviour cannot be made up for, it’s damaging to you and more importantly your children. One day that damage will not be repairable and you’ll finally realise what a bastard he really is. Then it’ll be too late for your kids. Don’t be me!

Thank you.

I managed to get hold of the National Helpline this evening via chat.

I am going to speak to the Safeguarding Lead. I definitely agree I need to document this but I also need to get my stuff sorted and organised.

He's asked me to go for coffee together on Friday. He knows something is up with me but he's unaware of how serious this I think. It feels like I'm betraying him... That sounds so odd to say I know. But it's like there's 2 of him. A Jekyll and a Hyde. And I feel like I'm betraying the nice partner I had...

That’s all part of it op, gaslighting you with the poor me act. Do not fall for it, none of this is your fault and you are acting to protect your children from a toxic person. And don’t listen to any I’ll change bullshit because this is pathological. Nasty man and a good actor.

He is extremely abusive and needs to leave. My ex was abusive and it was the biggest relief when I took DS and left.
You are holding on to a dream that isn't reality. Get out before he destroys the children because he will.

I've spoken to the Deputy Head today.

She wasn't surprised when I said it. Because of my son's SEN we've been working closely with them and they've been very supportive. I've been keeping them apprised of our family life and sharing the difficulties openly so she wasn't surprised at all.

I am making contact with my local DA centre today. And making appointments for various other things.

I started reading "Why Does He Do That"... There's a whole chapter on DP's behaviour. It was quite harrowing to read. I am working on leaving. I can't fix this man. God knows I have tried so many different ways to make him understand that this is not ok. Ever. But it's not making any difference.

I can only change the things I can do.