Loveless Marriage

[Whyismyhousesuchastate]

My job is going down the drain and im working every hour. My youngest just started school and out of nowhere he started having poo accidents. My oldest has a learning disability and has lots of extra stuff. And im in a totally, utterly loveless marriage.

I have tried to leave so many times but the pressure on everything else - money, kids, work, feels at breaking point and it seems impossible to put a divorce on top of the chaos.

This evening both kids were overtired and really playing up. Refusing to go to bed and the 4 year old crying. My H is just downstairs on video games as always. In the end I just burst into tears on the stairs and my oldest came out his bedroom with his most prized possession to give to me to cheer me up. I felt awful. I obviously downplayed it and tried to stop crying as I dont want to traumtise the poor boy. But he was so kind and it only made things feel more stark!

I came downstairs. Puffy faced. H say "you upset? What's on earth is going on? The kids shouldn't still be awake". I stared to say "im just done in" but he started playing a video on his phone and then walked out the room. We aren't fighting or anything. He just literally does not give on solitary shit about me. Which is fine. I dont love him either

But I camt for the life of me do what needs to be done. I am scared of his reaction. I've tried before and he makes it impossible and the kids suffer hugely. Which always then makes me back track. I camy bear for them to be in a house when hes like that. So I do what I need to do to stop it

They are 6 and 4. I love them so much. And they love me. But they'll be so upset. And I dont even know hwo to make it happen. I feel totally powerless and like i can see my life slipping through my fingers - living with a man who hates me

Pls help. Pls give me advice. Im so stuck

So sorry to hear this - it sounds like you are at breaking point, for good reasons. This set up isn't sustainable and your mental/physical health will suffer if you don't change something. Does he do anything with the kids? Work full time?

I would start to make a quiet plan to leave and then see a divorce lawyer - get your financial statements gathered, leave him with the kids for a few hours so that you can breathe and start journalling all of the reasons that you CAN leave for a better life. Your kids are young enough that they will adapt.

You need to make the change. Either leave the house yourself with the kids (unsettling but probably just temporary to make the point)… or you tell him to leave and ensure he does.
Is there anyone you could stay with for a little while? Or he can stay with?
You will feel better once you make the decision and act on it. The first step is breaking the mould / routine.

I'm sorry no advice but solidarity as I am living in very similar circumstances. My children are the same age. My DH is completely checked out of our family and like yours, is constantly on his laptop clicking away playing video games. I have also tried to move forward with a split in the past but somehow we always end right back where we started. I don't need him in my life but I don't have the energy to deal with a break up on top of everything else, so we continue just living alongside each other. I don't think he hates me though, we are just indifferent so it's manageable even if it does feel like a chronic waste of time and life. I hope you find a way forward.x

I hear you @Raindancer101

I have no interest in him or him in me. We went to marriage counselling which he persuaded me of when I told him I wanted to split in March....and the counsellor kept talking about date nights and we both nodded but there was clear unspoken agreement neither of were going to do that as we don't want to sit across from each other for 2 hours.

I wish he would let me go. Im trying to do the right thing and call time on it. But he just refuses to go or acts in such a horrible and scary way in frotn of the kids that i just have to make it end. Also he is v disruptive to my work, storming round while im on calls. He makes life hell until I agree with him that we should "keep working on it" and then months roll on and here I am.

He wont let you go easily because he has it cushy with you and gets to intimidate you into staying into the bargain. You're doing all the donkey work. Therefore there is no incentive for him to leave.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Your children are picking up on the toxic atmosphere at home and are reacting to it. Enough is enough and your kids are emotionally suffering seeing all this within their home which is now akin to a warzone. They do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken.

I would seek legal advice asap with a view to divorce. Also contact Womens Aid for their counsel. Do not continue to live with a man who hates and otherwise abuses you and in turn them. Make a new start for you and your kids without him in your day to day lives. You have a choice re this man, they do not.