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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know this is vague,

46 replies

4oak · 08/09/2025 14:21

I don't want to give too much information away.

I did something stupid on someone. It's not on a partner or close family or friends. It's a distant family member.

It may have legal consequences.

I didn't do a physical assault or target their home or threaten them or their family I don't want to say what I did in case it's recognisable.

This person came to confront me a few weeks ago and I was caught off guard and denied it. Since then this person has called to my house twice but I was out. I got some missed calls and one message too requiring to talk to me.

The thing is I was genuinely busy and now I also have a lot of anxiety and I don't want to face this.

I think I need to get some legal advice. I don't know what the position is from this person and I don't know what if anything the police may do. It's possible the police may have a file and just put it on the back burner with not enough evidence type of thing. I don't know.

I am afraid to talk to this person in case of what I say may be taking as evidence to charge. I don't know.

AI is recommending me to seek legal advice and not to talk to anyone about it and not to admit anything to any family until after I get legal advice.

The calls and message and calling to my home has filled me with dread.

I was actually honestly busy too. I am in work now. I find it hard to carve time out for myself never mind for making calls I don't want.

OP posts:
Original poster
4oak · 08/09/2025 18:35

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/09/2025 18:22

Perhaps speaking with them about it would actually help resolve the problem. Is what you’ve done out of character? Most friends or acquaintances would want to speak to somebody in their life who’d done something odd and potentially illegal and was behaving in such a bizarre way as to a) do it in the first place and b) was refusing to engage with them about it in any way. They (presumably) haven’t reported it to the police yet, but instead have tried to contact you for an explanation, which would indicate wanting to be reasonable.

If you’re not willing to talk to them then legal advice is really your best bet. I’d get it quickly, before whoever you’ve wronged does decide to escalate to the police.

Edited

It's not a refusal to engage with them. I was left with the childcare on Saturday and then I was bedridden yesterday with migraine and it's back to work today. It is genuinely hard to find a quiet and peaceful time.

I likely have but out from the summer and now there is a lot of anxiety on top of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
4oak · 08/09/2025 18:36

ThreePears · 08/09/2025 18:08

It would help then, if you don't tell your family when you have time off. Then they won't call on you to babysit, will they?

Clearly what you have done is illegal, and you are scared of the repercussions. Your distant relative suspects you, and their suspicion is not going to go away any time soon.

Is whatever you have done reversible - for instance if you took something from their home, can you replace it?

Show quote history

It's not reversible.

OP posts:
Original poster
4oak · 08/09/2025 18:38

I am booked for work for the next two weekends on top of Monday to Friday work. That's my schedule. Nobody would believe it.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 08/09/2025 18:42

4oak · 08/09/2025 18:35

It's not a refusal to engage with them. I was left with the childcare on Saturday and then I was bedridden yesterday with migraine and it's back to work today. It is genuinely hard to find a quiet and peaceful time.

I likely have but out from the summer and now there is a lot of anxiety on top of it.

Show quote history

You said it happened a few weeks ago. They’ve phoned you and messaged you and tried to visit you several times. Having a migraine yesterday and being back at work today doesn’t explain to them why you’ve refused to you answer the phone, respond to a message, or open the door when they tried to do all three weeks ago. You’re going to make things worse for yourself by pretending it will all just go away, especially as - if what you’ve done is criminal - this person is currently trying to talk with you about it rather than simply report the crime.

Diarygirlqueen · 08/09/2025 18:55

Stop with the excuses of you being busy, it has absolutely no bearing on your guilt.

You are guilty of a crime so act responsibly and meet with this person. Apologise and hopefully that will be the end of the matter.
Are you going to confess to the solicitor or deny the act?
Being overworked is no excuse of a criminal act.

blondebombsite13 · 08/09/2025 19:05

I don’t understand why you keep going on about how busy you are.

What’s that got to do with it?

What did you do to this person?

Sarover · 08/09/2025 19:07

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/09/2025 14:39

OK. So you did something wrong, probably something illegal, and now the victim wants to confront you but you don't want to admit what you've done you don't want to apologise, you're too busy to seek legal advice but not too busy to sit around asking AI (lol) or posting on mumsnet.

Personally if I'd wronged someone I'd do whatever I could to admit it and make a sincere apology, then accept the consequences of my own stupid actions.

This. Exactly

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/09/2025 19:17

4oak · 08/09/2025 18:35

It's not a refusal to engage with them. I was left with the childcare on Saturday and then I was bedridden yesterday with migraine and it's back to work today. It is genuinely hard to find a quiet and peaceful time.

I likely have but out from the summer and now there is a lot of anxiety on top of it.

Show quote history

Hardly surprising you're feeling anxious if you've committed a criminal offence against a family member and they've realised you are the person who did it, is it?

How anxious do you think you might be when they report it to the police? They're not exactly likely to go 'oh, sorry then, never mind' if you tell them you're too busy to deal with them, after all.

Albondi · 08/09/2025 19:20

4oak · 08/09/2025 18:38

I am booked for work for the next two weekends on top of Monday to Friday work. That's my schedule. Nobody would believe it.

I would ignore the commenters trying to guilt you here, it’s irrelevant. It sounds as though you do need legal advice. You don’t need to see a local solicitor necessarily, that might help you with finding somebody.

Lostworlds · 08/09/2025 19:22

I understand you’re anxious and stressed but this issue is adding to all of this.
I would start with not telling family members when you’re off so you cannot do childcare (unless it’s your own children?)

You also need to speak to a solicitor immediately. If what you’ve done is illegal then you’re very lucky that the person has not gone straight to the police but seems likely to want to hear your version of events first.
Speak to a solicitor to find out next steps but you cannot blame this person for turning up unannounced.

KaitlynnFairchild · 08/09/2025 19:24

Using being busy at work is a cop out.

I work a full time professional role, am studying for incredibly difficult exams, have three kids and several pets to look after. Somehow I haven’t committed a crime.

if your relative was going to report you to the police they would have done so by now. It seems they just want an apology and for you to take responsibility for your actions. Your best bet is to face them.

It will help your anxiety too.

Uricon2 · 08/09/2025 19:26

4oak · 08/09/2025 18:36

It's not reversible.

Show quote history

The person you did this to neither knows nor cares about your stress or schedule or migraines or other problems OP and why would they? If you're talking about calling lawyers yourself, it must be pretty bad.

mrsh2025 · 08/09/2025 19:26

Big girl pants and call them… don’t admit to anything but hear them out they might even be trying to avoid going down the legal route, your job might be stressful but could be even worse if you have to deal with police on top of this. If you have time to type a message about how stressed you are on here you have time to reply to a text

NNforthispost · 08/09/2025 19:38

4oak · 08/09/2025 17:50

'you are now citing being busy to weasel your way out...'

This is wrong.

Nobody here on this forum knows the amount of bullshit I had to put up with throughout July and August. This was from my work and also my family. I can tell you, the amount of days I had off on one hand. Do the maths there. Most workers would get 2 days off a week. I never got that. I was working 2 or 3 weeks solid before even getting one day off.

I went from having migraines once a month to about two a week that I had to just keep on working through.

I am not getting proper time off from my work. When I do get time off my family is dumping their kids on me to babysit.

I have no quality free time. Everything is just work and I am likely approaching a place of burnout.

Show quote history

Burn out and busyness doesn’t excuse illegal behaviour.

im scratching my head to think what you could have done. Have you started an awful slanderous rumour? Own it, apologise.

Have you caused criminal damage? that’s more tricky - you’ll have done something stupid which will risk your job and your relationships with family.

As a guide - do you know what the likely sentence would be if prosecuted? Could you tell us that?

RedNine · 08/09/2025 19:58

Why are you doing childcare for family? Just say no #Zammo.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/09/2025 20:00

You have done something possibly criminal to someone, have been avoiding them for weeks, denying it because you believe there might be no proof it was you, and are hanging up on the solicitor who might be able to give you advice?

You won't tell us what you've done, so what help do you hope to get here?! Being busy doesn't let you off the hook when you do bad things.

Is what you've done likely to incur a prosecution? Caution? Fine? Prison sentence?

Suednymph · 08/09/2025 21:46

4oak · 08/09/2025 17:50

'you are now citing being busy to weasel your way out...'

This is wrong.

Nobody here on this forum knows the amount of bullshit I had to put up with throughout July and August. This was from my work and also my family. I can tell you, the amount of days I had off on one hand. Do the maths there. Most workers would get 2 days off a week. I never got that. I was working 2 or 3 weeks solid before even getting one day off.

I went from having migraines once a month to about two a week that I had to just keep on working through.

I am not getting proper time off from my work. When I do get time off my family is dumping their kids on me to babysit.

I have no quality free time. Everything is just work and I am likely approaching a place of burnout.

Show quote history

This is not about your time nor free time it is about the fact you did something wrong and you have not corrected it, fixed it etc. While you are busy now you clearly were not thinking of how busy you would be when you did whatever you did to another family member and now it has backfired. As i said and stand by, own it. You did something, fix it. Find a way to be unbusy enough to fix what you did when you were clearly less than busy when you did it.

ThreePears · 09/09/2025 00:04

4oak · 08/09/2025 18:38

I am booked for work for the next two weekends on top of Monday to Friday work. That's my schedule. Nobody would believe it.

If your employer is scheduling you to work like that, then what they are doing is illegal.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/09/2025 17:08

Have you used their identity?

Sh291 · 09/09/2025 17:22

All I'm reading is excuses. Since this could possibly have legal repercussions for you, then you need to MAKE time to sort this out.

daisychain01 · 09/09/2025 17:26

@4oak what actual detriment /harm did your action or deed do to the person.

Is it reputation?
Financial loss?
Harm to their feelings eg insulting in front of others.

That might tell you how the law might treat the situation if they took legal action

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