Just moved in

[livingwithpartner]

So I met my current partner a few months ago. We had an instant connection (think it helped that we knew each other years ago and reconnected). Every free moment we had we were together which was pretty frequent. Had our first weekend away after a couple weeks together and every other weekend we were away in his camper. We have loads in common and he’s pretty perfect for me.

Last month my landlord advised me I had to move out which is actually ok and I was only really wanting to be there temporarily and had got stuck in a rut (good location, cheap rent etc). The initial plan was for me to rent until I got the proceeds from a house sale (lived with my ex) so I could buy again but ended up staying put and saving the cash.

anyways when this all happened my current partner asked me to move into his and I actually was excited about this. Both being 40ish and having failed relationships behind us we had the big discussions and I agreed to move in. We have storage for unused furniture etc and I still have my savings, he will continue to pay his mortgage alone and I contribute to bills etc. the plan is if things are still going well we will sell his place and buy together likely a bigger property too. It’s hard combining 2 households that were full of furniture and stuff.

fast forward to now, I’ve moved in but things just don’t feel great. I feel like we have lost the connection we had before living together. I know a house move is stressful and this has been awful, movers letting me down last minute and then the landlord getting on my back about moving dates etc (my fault as I readily agreed and said I would likely be out before the date she has specified). To top it off he’s had to be away for work and I’ve still be working my normal job (shift worker 12/13 hr shifts). When he’s been home he’s been extra busy so the quick meals we managed before I moved in haven’t really happened between my shifts. The house is still a bit upside down (both naturally tidy people so adding to the stress) we have been unpacking between work etc. so far we haven’t had any arguments, household chores etc are getting shared equally. I think I’m just missing the quality time we had before even if it was just for a quick bite to eat. We do still try and have dinner together but it’s fee and far between right now because of both our work schedules. I’m due to have my rest week and he says his work will be slowing down soon (huge project in the final stages). Hoping I can finish unpacking when I’m off and get the house looking like a home.

my question is will we get back to what we had. I’m missing him which sounds crazy since we’re now in the same house. Or is this the new normal. I don’t remember it being like this when I moved in with my ex. The only difference is it was a planned move. This time neither of us managed to get time off work so the move had to be done round working and both of us have been unwell with colds/covid during all this.

i want to stress I do love him and we are still talking, when we’re both around we do try and make time to just be us but then look around at boxes and just keep trying to sort/unpack/tidy/clean and fall into bed exhausted.

You only met a few months ago and now you’re living together?

Honestly I don’t think that usually ends well. You’ve gone from brand new and freshly dating to living together very quickly which does change things

Eek, honestly, your relationship will never be the same now that you’ve moved in with him. It’s way too early. You should have really enjoyed the honeymoon period where you see each other now and then and you’ll make an effort for each other because you don’t live with each other.

I kind of think you should move out and find your own place, but you probably won’t so maybe you guys need to start scheduling in time like you did before

The plan is for me to move out and find my own place if we find it’s not working for us, either living as a couple or the relationship itself. If it is then we plan to buy together.

we’re both very aware that it’s quick but both thought with the situation the way it was we would try as we had discussed the future and what we both wanted. Which was for me to give up my lease eventually and move into his. It just happened quicker than we both planned.

It's a shame but you've ruined the honeymoon period by moving in so fast.

Not sure it can really come back once it's gone.

It does change things and moving house is usually stressful!

My partner of 4.5 years has recently moved in and it is taking some adjustment. We had been in a LDR but he had spent weeks on end at my house before moving in permanently.

Sounds like your relationship itself is fine. I imagine it does all feel rather chaotic and exhausting. I would just put the boxes somewhere out of the way and deal with them once you are feeling less tired (pretty sure I still have unpacked boxes in my left from my last house move - 18 years ago!)

Not going to judge the speed of it all, life happens.

I do have experience in moving into my boyfriend's place rather than both of us moving into a new place together and it was quite different. You feel like an intruder, you don't have 50% of the space for your clothing etc, your familiar possessions and furniture aren't around you so settling is much harder. I had a bit of a meltdown at how little effort my partner had made to make space for me in advance of my arrival. He was horrified and immediately got on with it so I'd would give it time but also set aside time for you both to sort it all out.

Make sure you have enough space for the basics but keep a watching eye on the timetable to buy a place together but don't rush into that, it could be an expensive life lesson. Living together is a useful test to also see how much of "his stuff" he's willing to change to accommodate you in his life [even if it's just finding space for your favourite frying pan] and if he treats you as his tenant.

he had a massive clearout to make space for me and my stuff. So all my personal belongings are here. Even some of his furniture has gone to storage and some of my things are around me. He’s done everything to ensure I’m comfortable and I am. Even when he’s been away for work it is feeling like home.

we’ve both agreed this weekend we’re going to ignore the house and go away in the camper and just reconnect as us. We’ve discussed it and we’re both feeling similar so hopeful that a weekend away from the mess and untidiness and just us will help us both feel better. I think we’ve just got caught up so much in the move and making the house a home again that we’ve just not made time for us.

This makes me feel better.

i managed to have a clear out before moving and had the mindset of if it’s been in boxes since my last move then it’s not needed. So I went through them briefly and donated/binned what I didn’t need. He done the same before I moved in.

I think we just need to reconnect as a couple, take some time for us and forget the house and everything to do with it for a bit. were making a point of going away this weekend and just doing what we did before the move.

thankfully his big project is in the finishing touches so work should settle for him and I’m on my rest week from work.

He sounds great. Have a lovely weekend.

I have just moved into my boyfriend’s. It was so stressful I wanted to move out in the first week. It improved after a month or so once we learned to adapt and hire a cleaner.