MIL wants regular pregnancy updates

[Sam909]

Recently each time my MIL visits me, she has a bit of a moan to me that I’m not keeping her up to date with my pregnancy or seeing her enough. She says that her friends ask her about my pregnancy, and she doesn't know how to answer, as she doesn't get updates from me.

MIL has not called or messaged me once this pregnancy to find out how it’s going. DH and I have organised all of the meetups we’ve had, and I update her when I see her in person. Although when I start sharing what's going on with the baby, she will interrupt me and start talking about her pregnancy…

She has said she tries to reach out in our family WhatsApp chat. She just sends photos of her dinner every week or so with no context so tbh I reply to every few and say something like ‘that looks nice MIL’.

I can tell she is hurt but I’m finding it odd that she expects me to make the effort and remember to update her when she can't send a quick text to check in. When I last saw her I told her she can message me at any time for updates but she hasn't. She is retired and life is quite hectic for me at the moment.

Am I being unkind and is this just a difference in communication styles?

Just keep repeating “you are welcome to message me and ask for a update mil.” And leave it at that.
if she cant be bothered to make the effort then more fool her.

Maintain strong boundaries now so you won’t be bulldozed when baby arrives!

Be glad she isn't bombarding you with messages!
My ils never had my mobile number. Made for an easier life...

Ok thanks all. Feeling less guilty now and will continue to remind her that she can drop me a message for any updates!

What updates are there in a straightforward pregnancy?
Pg announcement
12 week scan
20 week scan , incl sex id if you choose
Wait….

Every midwife appointment? ‘This morning I weed on a urine sugar stick thing again’?

Or, you could offer her the odd snippet on WhatsApp? Maybe post a pic if you buy something for the baby?
It sounds like she's showing interest (even if in a bit of a moaning way)
She's asking via her son rather than you directly. I think you do have a difference in communication styles.
An awful lot of people just reminisce about their own babies when talking to pregnant women 😁 rather than seeing it as selfish, she's sharing her own experience.
I used to think that people just waiting for a pause to talk about themselves was selfish - but my DD is autistic and this is a really common way for many ASD people to converse. I'm not saying your MIL is autistic, but I have changed my view a bit on this kind of parallel conversation behaviour.

Well yes, exactly. I don't really have any updates for her other than grumbling about backache.

This is so odd.

I mean what possible updates can there be? 12 week and 20 week scan, maybe when you first feel kicks and if you find out the sex I guess. Other than that what can there be to ‘update’ her on about your pregnancy? And why would her friends want ‘updates’ too?

I was so incredibly anxious during my pregnancy (and with reason for at least some of it) and I think someone demanding I keep them updated would have tipped me over the edge! Obviously people who cared would ask how I, and the baby were, and might ask specific questions like had we got any names in mind or was I having cravings or whatever - general chit chat. But I didn’t issue weekly bulletins with this info - people would ask and I’d reply with as much as I was comfortable sharing.

I wonder if MIL’s friends have asked her some of this stuff in general chatter/ nosiness - when is your grandchild due, how is Sam getting on? What hospital is she booking into? Have they been looking at prams? Ooh lovely I bet you’re excited etc etc - and MIL has realised she has nothing to tell them because she’s not bothered to ask. But instead of realising that’s on her, she’s felt embarrassed and blaming you.

Just keep doing what you’re doing, telling her she’s welcome to visit or call if she wants to chat, you could give a clever reply but doesn’t sound like she’s someone you can get through to or change.

This ^

I’d just send a text on repeat each week “still growing” and leave it at that.

Im 30 weeks & my MIL is the same. Its her loss!

Just say no news is good news and leave it at that. What on earth is there to update about

I'd send "Still pregnant" but then I'm a sarcastic cow.

Is this your MIL’s first grandchild?

I'm not sure what 'updates' she thinks there will be. You are pregnant. When the baby's ready it will appear. Until then, I wouldn't feel the need to text her that my piles were growing, or my tits were getting massive.

She's odd.

I was going to say something like this.

What does she expect you to say? You are pregnant and as long as there are no issues, that is all you can say - no issues.

Prepare strong boundaries for when the baby is born or you'll have no peace whatsoever. I don't envy you.

😆 Maybe a detailed update on my piles would deter her from wanting any further updates

British people tend to not ask direct questions, and I know we have had some serious family arguments around not asking questions as a way of being interested! I was shocked when it was perceived as disinterest, when I’d always thought of it as just being polite.

It sounds like she wants to be involved but is actually rather aware of mother-in-law tropes and trying to avoid them? Like she won’t directly quiz you or text you (because she may perceive that as invasive) but would like to know and support. If I were you I’d try a direct conversation about what kind of communication works for you (eg tell her to text you and actually ask if that’s what you want) as that will allow more open communication later.

Plenty of women here will say put up boundaries, and only you can know whether that is right straight away, but there are explanations other than her being controlling for this communication style.

Well there you are: ring her at 7am (latest) every morning with a long description of your backache the previous day and overnight.

I’m interested that when you do start to tell her about the baby then she interrupts and starts telling her own story. That suggests that her complaints about not knowing what is happening aren’t really genuine or in good faith…..

Yes. Unless you’re unlucky and have a medically complex pregnancy, you are just pregnant. You get bigger, the baby kicks, but there aren’t really any things to update someone on. I was so busy throughout mine that I think I barely gave it a thought till I went on maternity leave.

But what exactly does she want you to tell her? Some of it could be quite personal. Tell her you will update her if there is any news, otherwise it’s your body so she can mind her own.