I think I maybe needed a final straw - now I'm certain, it's over.

[mylittlepudding]

I have a beautiful DD of 17 months and I have only been staying with my DP, her father, because I wanted her not to have the stresses of seperated parents. Before DD we got on great, since then I have felt like I have given everything, compromised on all that he asked, and he has carried on living his old life. I have enabled it and not talked about being miserable - I know I have faults, those being amongst them.

DD and I have vomiting virus for the 3rd time in 8 weeks (aarrgh!) and I asked him to come and help. I am working away from home and DD has come too - not conventional that's for sure, but I/we felt I needed to go where the work was (I earn more than he does atm). He said he would not come and help us, because I had told him previously he didn't have to come this weekend. He then accused me of being manipulative and horrible. I just wanted someone to hold the sicky baby whilst I was sick, FGS!

It sounds so stupid and petty written down. I am sick of being ignored and looked down on. I have bipolar (fairly well controlled) and am terrified of him using it, along with the manipulative stuff, to fight for custody.

My gorgeous girl brought me one of her dummies earlier because I was sad. I love her so much. But from now on, less sad mummy, more hopeful forward looking mummy. I hope.

How long have you been together? How old are you both? He sounds a bit immature- it's not easy to cope with a baby/toddler- maybe he can't adjust?

If you both still care for one another, would you go for couples' counselling? It sounds as if it would help, as you say you are not good at talking about stuff.

It doesn't sound petty or stupid.
It sounds like your DP needs to step up and be a father to his child.

You effectively have sole care of your DD because he lives away from you, and won't come and help care for her when you need him to?
I don't think you have any worries re the custody issue in that case.

I hope you both feel better soon.

I think you'd be right saying it was over. If he won't come and look after his daughter and what is mean to be his partner while they're ill then he doesn't sound worth it to me.

If he's going to try adn use the fact you have bipolar against you (although I don't know what that is) I'd use the fact he wouldn't look after you while you were ill.

My husband got on the first flight out of south India when he heard his youngest was ill and might need hospital (we have two).

It is called responsibility. Your partner needs to learn it.

Also, if you are working away from home with your dd, he probably thinks you should be able to cope, or that you are able to cope. Maybe this is his way of showing you he is not superfluous, but wanted, and he might now be revelling in the fact that you needed him, for once maybe?

He is 12 years older than me (39 to my 27) and I have used that to justify that it's much harder for him to change. We've been together 4 years - so it hadn't been all that long before DD came along. I've had two mental health relapses in that time.

I feel relieved, and sad, and... so many things.

DD is at that worn out stage of being sick and has crashed out asleep. I think I might need to follow before long.

I am even starting to believe that I must be an unreliable parent because I asked for help. So hard to get my head together.

QS - maybe. He said he already has plans. I am sure it is not easy for him with me working away and he tried to hide my passport when I came here for the interview. I feel like I am failing when I can't cope. Like needing help makes me this terrible mother.

Don't be so silly! we all need help. and at his age he should know better.
Don't let his problem become yours. You are obviously very capable. You both need to talk and see what you both want- would he go to counselling?

hide your passport

alarm bells there. you really don't need someone who undermines you sense of well being, or makes you question your mothering ability, just becuase you asked for help.

men and their egos.

grrrrrrrrrr

I heard that for counselling you have to be living permanently in the same house, is that true? He prbably would. He thinks everything would be fine if I would stop whinging. And that I am being very unfair. He often says this never specifies about what, particularly. I just want it to end and to be away. Regardless of how much that is, in reality, going to hurt in the next months. Maybe I am just not made for long term relationships - QS may well be right and I have been unfair.

Sorry to be needy and irritating - just wondered if anyone knew the answer to my question re: counselling?

Hi sorry no info on counselling.
It sounds like your only with him because your worried about him beginning a custody fight and using your bipolar to win?
Do you really think a father who cant be bothered to help look after his sick child will really bother with a custodu case?
They are very long and drawn out I doubt he has the staying power.

My Dh and I have a 16 year age gap (he is older) and I wouldn't find hbis age a valid reason for not adapting and growing with your family.

The fact that you can hold down a job, your bipolar condition is well managed and are mostly living apart and managing will work in your favour. Your already living the life of a single mother take control of the situation and be honest with him that its over.

Thank you. Maybe you are right. I have divorced parents - but have come to see that how they handled that was the damaging thing. Completely different. Maybe there is nothing left, I have not meant to be dishonest.

Will make some phonecalls in the morning... relate, maybe, solicitor, definitely. Thank you for your support.

no- never EVER heard that about counselling- I have had counselling when in relationships and we were not even living together.

Relate will also give counselling to you alone if you are having difficulty in your relationship.