Long time lurker here; haven’t posted in a long time. Been married 15 years, together for 19. 2 boys (10 and 12). DH is British, I am not. We lived in the U.K. until just over a year and a half ago when we moved abroad to a European country (not my place of birth but same language as my native tongue).
DH still works in the U.K. and initially he had said he would be able to work remotely for at least half of the time but this has increasingly changed as his job is very demanding and he often spends two weeks away. Our relationship has been strained for a while with our differences driving us apart: he is distant, emotionally unavailable and a people-pleaser with an inability to connect in any deep or meaningful way. I have recently discovered I have ADHD (as does my youngest DS) which, in turn, comes with emotional deregulation, over sharing and a need for stimulation.
His excessive drinking has been an issue throughout our relationship until around a year ago when he seemed to start to realise he needed to change. He began to drink less and this had a positive impact. However, a recent visit from a friend turned into a massive binge which led to him being hangover the next day and the kids seeing him in a complete state. I was really pissed off and, although he apologised, he did so defiantly saying “it will happen again” and that I basically needed to be accepting and forgiving.
I admit I have been distant and cold towards him as I felt I needed to detach and take some distance. He was away for 2 weeks and when he came back, the situation became unbearable so we went for a chat today and he basically said that after a few therapy sessions (for the first time ever he agreed to go to therapy a few months ago when we hit yet another rocky patch) he realised that he has been co-dependent all his life due to childhood trauma (his parents separated and his Mum tried to commit suicide so he became his carer when he was around 9). He says his whole world has been shattered as he feels he has suppressed his emotions and feelings to please everyone and he now doesn’t know who he is or what he wants.
He said he is questioning all of his relationships, including ours, and that he doesn’t know where this would lead. In a very cold manner, he also told
me he had thought about separating and what that would be like. Bearing in mind we are abroad and on a temporary visa, this could have very serious implications although he said “we would still be a family”.
I am really struggling with his pragmatic approach and his lack of commitment to work through this together. He is someone who lacks empathy and doesn’t show emotion at all which makes it harder as our lack of connection has driven a massive wedge between us. He kept saying he didn’t know if he would want to stay together after he’s done his “soul searching”. I told him it was very unfair for him to sit on the fence and expect me to wait around and that if he wasn’t willing to commit to working on our relationship, that he should be upfront and clear about it.
He ended up saying he wants to work at it but that it has to “radically change”. I’m feeling lost and very deflated. We’d also spoken about him trying to find a job that allows him to be with us more and tonight he said: “I love my job and I’ve changed my mind” without having discussed this with me or think about the implications for the kids who believe he will be here more often.
I’m having lots of mixed emotions: on the one hand, I feel it is right to fight to save our marriage (and I am scared of the financial implications of a separation as he is a high earner and I am not). On the other, I feel that he is emotionally handicapped to a point where nothing will really change and wonder if it’s worth to continue to pretend that it will.
Sorry for long post. Any words of wisdom and advice would be much appreciated as I feel quite numb right now.
Thank you