Sad that I havent got a mum

[YouCanMissHer]

I have a biological mother. She doesn’t like me and always made that clear. I never felt loved, I felt tolerated and once I was 18 she happily announced she was free.

I rarely have any contact, if I do it’s initiated by me and she will give short one word responses or an emoji.

I don’t miss her, I miss the idea of a real mum.

Shes had so many opportunities to be a real mum and she let me down time and time again. I see other people with their mums and I’m so sad I dont get to experience what it’s like. It’s such a huge void I’ve always had and I’m not sure how to deal with that I just feel sad?

I hear you OP.
It's so difficult dealing with the yearning for what you see other people enjoying but which you know you will never experience yourself.
I think the only thing that has helped me is the knowledge of the " golden child " and " scapegoat" dynamic which made me see that what I've experienced with my family was not uncommon. That and distancing myself from my family as much as possible.
I don't know if you have had any form of therapy OP.but I recently had sessions with a clinical psychologicalist which I found helpful, if only because of the relief of talking to someone who understood the hurt and the effects of unloving parenting.

My family of origin were similar. I think they had me because my aunty had a baby a year earlier. A neglected childhood ran into a dysfunctional adult relationship dynamic until I went no contact as a result of therapy for complex PTSD.
I was fortunate as a friend's parents co-opted me as a young teen and got me to have aspirations and to feel valued. They continued to play that role right up to their deaths. I hope you've got someone who plays a similar role in your life.
I completely understand what you mean. As we age, I think we become more aware of what we could and should have received from our parents. As a pp said, have you had therapy to work through what did and didn't happen for you.

I just feel so empty , I often feel jealous of friends talk about meeting up with their mum for coffee or when they talk about family Xmas etc.

Seek therapy. It isn't your fault that you ended up with a crap parent, that has resulted in a crap childhood. As you've got older, you've realised that your Mum is never going to be the parent you want her to be. That's a hard pill to swallow, and it's easy to wonder why you and what you did wrong to cause her to treat you so badly. In short, you didn't do anything to cause her bad treatment. It doesn't matter what excuses may lay behind her treatment, there are no reasons to treat your own child like crap. It may long-term be better for you to go 'no contact', because as long as you have contact, no matter how sporadic, there's always that hope she might respond differently or seem genuinely pleased to hear from you. When you then don't get that response, it's another heartbreak.

I'm with both of you.
My suituation is slightly different in that my mum died when I was a child.
I recently went to a friend's engagement party that her mum and dad organised for her at their home.
Although I had a wonderful time and am so so happy for my friend, to see how her mum was, how she gushed about her daughter getting married, how welcoming and warm she was, how she made sure everyone was happy, had a drink, had food, made sure I left with a bag of treats and snacks made my heart ache that I will never have this.
And the thought that there's literally nothing I can do to change this hurts so much
I do have 2 children and I try my best every day to be the mum to them that I want xx

It is a loss you never really get over because there are so many points throughout your life that you need your mum.
All the therapy in the world won’t change that.
I lost my mum aged 7.
When I hear people taking their mum’s support it really pisses me off.
When I hear about friends enjoying their mum’s company I am not jealous as such but it makes me sad, not that I would wish they were in my place.
Very sorry you are in this position OP. It’s shit.

I'm so sorry that you don't have the loving mum you deserve. Some people shouldn't have children and your mum sounds like one of those people.

Have you considered counselling? Being able to talk to someone about how you feel, without judgement, is usually beneficial. There is nothing wrong with you and it's not your fault that your mother treated you so badly.

I think it's natural to feel sad and envious about your friend's mothers and their relationship. Remember though that they probably have difficulties in those relationships too, it's rarely plain sailing. It's easy to look from the outside and think it all looks perfect when it's not.

Counselling/therapy helps but there's nothing that takes away from the fact that there's a giant void where one of the most central relationships of your life should be, and it does hurt when your friends are unthinkingly chattering of their mothers popping around. It's lovely, truly lovely, they have that, but you are very aware that it's not something you can ever have. It hurts when you want your own mum during childbirth and there's just no way that can happen. And yes, it hurts just as much as you get older, in different ways.

I don’t have any family I have a relationship with…they are all dysfunctional and not great people. I’m 35, I haven’t seen my mother since I was 20. No other family for many years. But not having them in my life is peaceful, and it safeguards my mental health.

I grew up in the care system, and it wasn’t a fun time- it is rubbish not having a family network/support system, but the family I have were never that, and they never will be. I made peace with that many years ago. I don’t think the desire for family relationships ever goes away, but idk it is what it is. I find Christmas difficult to deal with though, I haven’t ever had a normal one, it has very negative connections for me, as it is linked to stress and trauma from long ago.

I try my best for my daughter but idk what I’m doing. 😅