Has anyone separated but lived together coparenting?

[CoparentingDilema]

Hi, just last week I told my partner I wanted to separate. Nobody has cheated, there’s nobody else involved, I just don’t feel the same anymore.

We haven’t had a chance to talk about it much since because we haven’t had a moment without the children being there. We’re going to chat about it and sort out some details tomorrow while they’re at school.

because of the current financial climate and the fact we haven’t 3 neurodivergent kids I think we’re going to have to live in the same house.

im just wondering how we go about making sure we both split things evenly. they work full time and I am a stay at home mum. I do the vast majority of the childcare, taking them to and from school, feeding them, looking after the youngest while the other two are at school.

obviously I’m going to need to make some money so I’m not sure how it all works. I can’t say they have to have responsibility for the kids 50% of the time can I when they work 40 hours? That doesn’t sound right, but then I don’t want to end up just being here looking after the kids like before and nothing has changed. I have a Etsy business which used to do amazingly well but gradually over time I’ve had to dwindle that down because there never seems to be any time and so it’s on the bones of its arse right now. I’d like to get that back up and running properly but then do I say once they get back from work it’s their time with the children so I can work?
I don’t know how that would go down because before when I’ve asked that so I can keep working they’ve complained that they get no downtime after work and they should get time to themselves after working all day when I’ve just been at home.

are there any coparenting apps anyone can recommend?

it’s a real minefield but since we rent having 2 houses at the moment doesn’t seem doable

Honestly it’s really hard to stay living together after separation unless everything is 100% amicable and you’re both fully prepared to do whatever it takes to make that work.

The bottom line is you can’t dictate anything, living together or not. You can’t say “this is what you have to do” and expect it to be done, it’s a negotiation but you’re in legally the same position you would be if you were living in separate houses- you can ask him to step in to do childcare, he can say no.

I did this OP for several years. It took it's toll but I had no choice. Neither could afford to buy out the other or live elsewhere on their own.
I was used to doing everything on my own, nothing changed there.
For me, it the was the weight of not having to pretend everything was fine. Stopping the pretence. We lived our separate lives, saw other people. DC didn't really notice any difference and that helped immensely as is ND. For that reason alone, it was worthwhile.

This is what I’m thinking, the knowing it’s over and not having to pretend we’re a happy couple will really help my mental health. Also, they haven't been affectionate with me in any way for years and the disappointment and rejection I feel every day will end because rather than it being because they don't want me it will be because I don't want them. And I feel like that mental shift will help a lot. I just want to live my life not having to get permission for everything from someone who can’t even kiss me.

I'm also looking forward to the financial freedom I will get (even if only from universal credits at first) and they will no longer be able to point out to the children that I have no money when they ask me to buy things for them.

Yes, your mental health is very important for you to be a good Mum. Absolutely.
Yes, you can claim UC living in the same house, I did. As I'm sure you know, you have to sleep, cook, shop, child time separately. I never had anyone investigate.
You've got this OP, you can do it.

Thank you, I’m really looking forward to the future already.

we already do most of those things separately but I think it will be a shock to them when I stop doing their washing and 100% of the childcare

What will happen if you/they find someone else?

Well, we both found someone else. It was quite an interesting period. We all got on famously, for genuine reasons and mainly for the sake of DC.
It can work. We had a lot of negativity but it worked for us.
The main thing was that it was amicable.

@TheSilentSister Did the children know about the new partners? Who lived with who?! I would be really concerned it would be very confusing for them.

Can your Etsy make you a living wage? You’ll need to start making consistent continuous money op, yes they can have them 50 percent and still work ft, unfortunately chances are you might have to do this too? (If your Etsy and passion can make you the money to allow you a good standard of living that would be great)

Oh God, I realise that sounded really vague. No,no other partners lived with us. It was all done #outside# of the house to begin with.
I guess it depended on the length of the relationship, as with any other circumstances.

I’m in no rush to find someone else but even if I did want to date I’d just do it outside of the house. I wouldn’t introduce anyone to my home or children until I’d known them at least a year anyway even if I didn’t live with my ex. I guess we would agree to both do this.

It doesn’t make the same as going out to work, no. But I am a full time carer for our autistic children so going out to work isn’t an option really. Even once the youngest is in nursery I’d have to work school hours and still be available to be on call incase any of them need me.

When I was actually allowed time to work on my self employed business it made a decent consistent amount to top up.

@CoparentingDilema Assuming you receive financial support for your autistic children then so that will help?