Please can I just use this space to write this down

[utterlybutterly12]

I feel like I need to just write this down and vent somewhere but I have nowhere.

My relationship is utterly miserable. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it anymore.

I used to have my own life, freedom and a good job. I gave up my house, sold all my things 6 years ago to move in with this man. We've since had a baby. The minute we found out I was pregnant (planned) he completely changed with me.

It's the usual story. He is completely disgusted by me. Everything I do is wrong. The harder I try the more I get it wrong. I work but only 2 days a week. I spend the rest of the time with our young pre school aged child. He complains I don't earn enough money, but if I work more tells me I'm a bad mother for not being with them. My money covers my essentials (car insurance etc) and the childcare. He earns 5x more than me and gives me access to his bank account to purchase food. I'm very grateful for that but If I spend what he deems is too much on food shopping then I will have access removed. He doesn't understand that food is expensive.

Today I am in trouble because he thinks I walked past him and blanked him on purpose, I genuinely didn't, I just didn't see him but he says I'm a liar. He also thinks I took too long getting changed. I've never being much of a cook but can do basics such as a chili, curry, casserole etc. Today he says my lack of willingness to try new recipes makes me a bad mum.

I genuinely never have a break without children. I've been shouted at once because I took too long at the petrol station. He constantly complains he never gets a minute even though he gets time I dream of.

He's never hit me but done other things like shoved, held me down etc. I used to have such confidence but I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don't understand if he hates me so much why he won't just tell us to leave.

I can't leave willingly as the house isn't in my name and he would say I'd abandoned the children. What ever I did he will ruin me or at least try. I'm not strong enough to fight anymore.

I don't want to give too much away but he manages to make my world smaller, even with my work. He isn't always awful. Sometimes he knows he's been bad to me and will buy a large gift but all I want in the world is for him to actually hug me and show me some affection. If I try to initiate conversation he tells me he's not in the mood to talk to me.

This probably doesn't sound different to any other relationships but I'm just not coping well at all. Sometimes I sit and sob at night and he just rolls over and ignores me. One day, if I ever leave I will never go near another man again.

I don't even know why I've written this down, but I feel calmer now.

This sounds awful, I'm sorry OP.
Do you have family members you can turn to who could help you to leave this abusive situation?

You are in an abusive relationship. Please contact Women’s Aid.

It's absolutely not a normal relationship. He is always awful- the nice times are calculated to make sure you stay. They're not really nice.

If you want to you can get away, and you can take the children. Growing up in the midst of this isn't doing them any good at all, my father was like your husband, and it's affected everything.

Have you thought about calling Women's Aid? I've been in one of their hostels and honestly they're really fabulous people. You can just call for advice without having to do anything. It might help to have someone physical listen to you.

It is very much different OP, it’s not normal and not what you deserve. Do you have anybody who can help you?

This is not what a normal relationship is. Leave this abusive cunt before he does start beating on you because he will eventually. I've been in similar circumstances so completely understand your fear of leaving but you need to think of your children and make steps to be gone. So sorry you're having to live like this

He is abusing you. You say you are not strong enough to leave or fight but that’s because he’s made you feel this way. You are so drained from trying to please him that you now feel weak and unable to change things.

This really is no way to live. I’m firmly of the opinion that a partner should enhance your life and make it easier, not drag you down and make you a shell of yourself. Please find a way to access support and plan to leave, things will get so much better for you once you do.

I'm so sorry you're being bullied and abused by this man, it will take time to get your head around the fact that you're in an abusive relationship but you are. Google "coercive control" and see how much sounds familiar. You can be free, OP, take it one step at a time.

I'm so sorry OP. He's a monster.
I know it's hard in these situations to feel like you have any way out. You feel trapped, emotionally and financially, and there's no fight left in you. But you ARE strong enough. Don't think of it as you escaping a bad relationship, think of it as something you have to do for your kids. They are getting their relationship model from you, and so as they grow, they will form relationships like the one you're in now. Let that though be the strength you need to get away.
Much love and power to you. You're not the person you see reflected in him. Not at all.

Pregnancy and birth are flashpoints for abusers to show their true nature and you were reeled in by a master of manipulation.

Your marriage to him is over.

How can you be helped here into leaving your (and in turn your kids) abuser?. This is no life for you or they and he wants to control
all aspects of your life. He will
continue to grind both you and the kids down if you stay. You have rights in law here: exercise those fully. You are being abused in many ways here: physical, emotional and Financial to name but three. He wants to keep you trapped and without a voice.

He will not leave you because he likes having you around to cook and clean for him as well as abuse as and when he sees fit. Finding another woman to target takes time and effort and he being lazy also does not want to do that.

The name for this is coercive control and it is illegal. Here is a description:

limiting access to money/ salary, controlling spending. restricting freedom of movement (for example by keeping a victim in the home), denying independence and autonomy. isolating the victim from family and friends, including intercepting messages or phone calls.

Please contact your local police and ask to talk to their domestic abuse specialist. Women's Aid can help too although they can be hard to get through to as very busy. You need help to escape this with your child.