Compatibility issues with new relationship

[Poolgirl66]

Hello

I have been with my new partner for around 8 months.

i am questioning whether we are compatible. I feel there are quite a few negatives for me at the moment.

there’s issues around him being affectionate, complimentary and caring. He has been single for a very long time - over 12 years - so is quite selfish and I don’t feel he’s meeting my needs despite having a conversation about it.

he is who he is. In his thirties so isn’t going to change and I don’t want him to change. I have tried to be less affectionate and complimentary and open, but I find this hard as it’s not how I was brought up - I equally don’t want to change. I love cuddles and saying someone looks lovely etc.

my friends have told me that they feel he’s not right for me, but this is based off what I’ve told them about how I feel.

he likes to party and drink. Sometimes is out until all hours. I’m a mum and prefer a quiet life. I do go out with friends for a drink, but I know when to go home.

he is really trying and I can see he is trying to be more mindful but since my relationship failed with DS’s father, I’ve been pretty keen to meet a man who doesn’t need me to help him become a partner. I don’t have the energy or time for it.

I do really like him which is why I’ve struggled to let go, but questioning massively whether there is any longevity here as we have such different lifestyles and values. The red flag for me is he doesn’t ask me questions about DS or how he is etc. I don’t expect someone to be a father figure, he has a father, but I do expect my future partner to show some kind of interest. I do feel that my life as a single mum is too much for him.

im torn between giving it more time or just calling it a day and accepting that we are just very different people despite the level of feelings and attraction there is.

my friends and family are obviously biased so posting here for a third party opinion I guess.

He doesn't care about your son
He doesn't care/show you he cares about you
He likes to party and drink

What are his good points? Is he worth your attention, considering he will not be a benefit to your child. And it sounds like actually he'll have a negative effect on your son?

Basically it sounds like you fancy him and he's alright to be around as long as he doesn't actually have to be nice to you. I'd finish that relationship

He wants to party & drink (and most likely drugs - nobody stays out till the morning unless cocaine or something similar is powering them trust me) & you want a family lifestyle. You both want completely different things - it will never work.

what is there really to like about him?. Just how low is your bar here that you let him
into your life at all?.

You need a partner, not a project. Do better for both you and your son because this man is no role model for he to emulate otherwise look up to. End the relationship, look at the baggage reclaim website and read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Absolute nonsense. I’ve been doing all night events al of my adult life and never touched drugs. Even in my 50’s I can stay out until the sun comes up without any substances.

OP - neither of you are wrong you’re just not compatible. It’s difficult when you really like someone but you aren’t right for each other. The longer it goes on, the more you’ll start to resent him so maybe it’s best to cut your losses now.

You may like him but just the fact that he cares nothing about your kid would be the end. You can't keep up a relationship with someone who would rather ignore you have a child.

And that's aside from the fact that he's a partier in his 30s and you find his affection and care lacking. This is the time when he should be putting his best foot forward and if this is his best, run.

Given that you say really like him even though you don't like his treatment of you and how he basically doesn't acknowledge you have a child, you might want to look into therapy.

Thanks all for the replies I do agree that I have accepted a really low bar and I’m not sure why.

You're not a match. It's just that simple.,

@jamnpancakes true

Why are you with him? Not being snarky, truly, why? If you could mention his good side, maybe we could understand. The way you've written this is that you are just not compatible and god knows how the relationship has lasted as long as it has.

You need to be way way pickier than this if you've got a wee one op, chuck Mr No effort back and have a long hard think about the type of man you envision being your life partner and the qualities he will have.

You should be in the honeymoon phase and him treating you like a queen. If its this bad now, Im concerned how low it could get. The lack of care for your child on its own is a deal breaker, nevermind the lack of affection and partying.

You want him to be nicer and more like someone you could love and trust and he’s not that guy. Time enough for soul searching and inquiring why your bar is so low after you get rid of him.

@pikkumyy77 i think I’d struggle to list the good points at the moment. He is lovely and kind, and tries. In his own way he is really trying and everything is new to him as he’s been single for so long. We do get along and laugh together, and there is a lot of attraction.

he doesn’t avoid showing interest or care in me and DS out of spite. He has a very good heart. He’s just different to me, a very closed book which doesn’t make him a bad person at all.

but ultimately I can’t reel off a list of positives the way I can negatives. The relationship feels extremely surface level and I feel I don’t know him well enough to list positives.

Liking, fancying and loving someone are all necessary in a relationship but they are not the whole picture.

Compatability, communication styles and how you relate to each other is the relationship.

Neither of you is wrong, you just are who you are, but you are very different. And you are not going to get your relationship needs met by him because they are incompatible with his. It's as simple as that.

@GreyCarpet Thank you. This is really wise and I understand everything that you’ve said.