How to stop thinking about someone?

[CircusofPuffins]

Just that, really. Struggling to get over someone right now and would be glad of some wise MN advice.

I've known and been close with this person for several years. Through that time, we've regularly been chatting - most days, in fact - and it's been really nice to have someone to talk to like that. I've expressed feelings for them before, but they've made it clear they only view me as a friend. I thought I was okay and had made my peace with that.

But last month, I sensed something had changed with them. Their messages were suddenly a lot more distant and cool, disinterested. Then just over a week ago, they told me that they'd met someone, so suddenly it made sense.

Obviously it's been playing on my mind ever since. I've gone NC and deleted our chat, but in quieter moments, my mind keeps thinking about them. Keep thinking about what they'll be doing with this person, from days out to intimacy, and just wishing that it could've been me. 🙁

I know in many ways this person wouldn't have been right for me. But it's still hard - and I'm finding it harder from the fact that now all my friends are in relationships, engaged or married. I'm the only single one left. I'm feeling very alone right now.

It sounds like you’ve developed an emotional connection to a friend and become a lot more invested than they did. It’s not usual to go NC and delete chats with a friend when they start a relationship. You’re seeing this as a relationship breakup when they never saw it as a relationship.
They didn’t want to be with you, but you still kept messaging them? Now they’re seeing someone else you can either continue NC or wait to see if it works out for them and if it doesn’t tell them how you feel again. But you might get the same answer. And do you want to stay stuck forever?
I chatted daily to someone I cared about for years and it hindered me from properly moving on. It’s the hope that kills you!
Get out and do things to keep yourself busy and you never know you might meet someone else.

The best thing to do is make plans with your friends for coffee/brunch/dinner/lunch/cocktails/bbqs/cinema etc for the weekends.

Could you start messaging today to get something organised for next week-end?

It's an old cliché but time will eventually mean you'll stop thinking about them as often.

It's not something you can rush.

Thank you for your response. Yes, that's a fair comment - as someone who doesn't really get much interest from people, it was nice to have that emotional closeness with someone, even if it wasn't reciprocated.

I know it's my fault for still being in contact after they made it clear they only viewed me as a friend - but when you talk to someone daily it's so hard to break that contact and step away for good, isn't it? And yes, there's the (faint) hope that maybe it would change one day.

Can I ask about your situation? You said about chatting to someone for years. Did you get to meet someone subsequently? It'd be nice to hear stories of life after unrequited love. I want to feel hopeful that it'll allow me to met someone that would be better for me, but it all feels so far away and out of sight at the moment.

Thank you for your suggestion. I have tried, but I think part of why this has hit me particularly hard is because all my other friends have met someone, and are usually quite busy. I try to make plans to see them, but they're usually going somewhere at weekends or are busy with their partners, and I'm feeling a bit left behind. It's quite lonely when you're the only single one of your social group.

You invested time and emotional energy into a relationship that was convenient and platonic for the other person until they met a romantic partner and moved on.

You get busy with your own life. Your friends are busy, take yourself out on a date. Is there a restaurant you'd like to try, a gallery or museum you'd like to visit? Try a new sport. Sign up for a class in something you've always wanted to do. Play an instrument, learn to sing, paint, whatever. Do something different every day, even if it's just taking a new route to work or listening to a different music genre. Be a tourist in your own town. Invest in yourself.

@CircusofPuffins in my situation we dated briefly then reconnected via message (from me). Messaged daily for a few years and there was a clear emotional connection. Even when I dated other people I’d always read his messages first. We did have a relationship when he eventually plucked up the courage to ask me out, but it didn’t work out. Losing the messaging was one of the hardest parts. It’s taken quite a while to feel resilient enough to date.
And I’ve just met someone lovely. It’s very new but feels very different, he’s actually ready to be in a relationship and he’s stated clearly what he wants so there’s no guesswork involved. Who knows whether it’ll work but that attachment to my former text pal is lessening and it feels a lot better. Time does help, you won’t always feel like this.
I’ve got a lot of married friends too so I do things myself - walking, a solo holiday this year and I have some hobbies I enjoy. Be brave and put yourself out there in your own, don’t wait for friends to be available.

Yes, that's a fair summary of it. I'm not angry with them for meeting someone they like, because they've been open and honest with me in terms of how they viewed me. But it's still sad to feel like your presence is no longer required in their life.

Thanks for the suggestions. I know I need to keep busy. It's just those moments when I'm alone, like getting to sleep at night or first thing in a morning that my mind starts wandering.

Imagine them farting and It hitting their balls. Works every time.

What I did was keep a journal.
I wrote down everything I thought about him as well as some things I was trying to work through regards direction in my life, and what happened over time was that the sections about this man gradually became less and the sections about what I was trying to work out became more. Until there was hardly any him and lots of my direction and a project I had been working through.
Oh, and I also went speed-dating which was enormous fun, but I didn’t do that until I was mentally out of the quagmire of looping thoughts. Right now, it is still raw for you but the thoughts won’t loop forever. Life will move on.

The other thing of course is that now this man has found someone and is not keeping you on hold so to speak, not quite letting go, despite not wanting a relationship with you, you are free to go elsewhere without the ‘what ifs’ and daily messages keeping you invested in him. Imagine the time and thought you spent on messaging and thinking about him going on building a new life with someone else? I mean, that person is out there but you were not free to look really. Now you are. So look beyond him.

Thank you for your kind words and great advice. I am a keen writer and I have written several letters (about them, my feeling etc) since finding out this news. I do feel silly looking back and realising how much time I have wasted on this person, but again, I suppose when you're not getting any attention from anyone else it's hard to let go. I do hope I can focus on finding someone else, but their absence is very painful and noticeable right now.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I've had some wretched nights recently, where I've either struggled to get to sleep or woken up really early with them on my mind and just imagining what it must be like to be the person they're with. At least knowing they're with someone makes it easy not to message. I keep thinking how different our last few weeks of messaging were to usual.

I hope you got some sleep.
Insomnia is awful. Usually I can make myself fall back asleep by listening to Tara Brach’s talks or doing her meditations but I had a long period of insomnia when my situation happened and it was really hard. I just got up and got on with things and made sure not to drive my car but that’s not really sustainable.
i think there is a period where you are trying to make sense of things when you didn’t have the full story, and effectively he left you to sort of figure out when the messaging changed. So that contributed to the looping thoughts.
sorry, i realised i am assuming a he/him and you have said they.
The other thing is that you did have a connection with this person, and losing that is difficult so of course you need to work that through. It doesn’t mean you will feel bad forever, it just takes time to come to terms with the sense of loss and rejection.
And in your case, I do think this man was a bit unfair to keep messaging like a friend and then change when he realised it maybe didn’t fit with his new GF. So being upset is a valid feeling.

Oh my word I was so where you are once upon a time. Just couldn't get her off of my mind. Especially after a long unloving marriage of 24 years. Had a very brief relationship probably not even that more like a series of dates but we'd talked and messaged for months.
There really is only one way of dealing with what some would call unrequited love and that has to be cold turkey. That said it was probably a good 3/4 years before I was finally able to.
A few years on I passed her in a car and still my tummy flipped. Difference is you do develop a resilience and reasoning around it.
Busy yourself as best you can and do some dating. That really helped me.