Competitive anguish

[FedererFanMum]

I have a friend, who, whenever you tell them about your current problem/crisis, acknowledges for a bit then immediately centres the conversation on them and demonstrates how they’re having a much more torrid time.

What is this about? I’m not looking for advice, not trying to change them, just would like to understand why they always do this?

Perhaps it dates back to childhood, a way to garner some attention from benignly neglectful parents?

A self esteem thing where she wants to feel interesting?

Difficult to say without knowing her.

I realise you don’t want advice but how do you manage this particular behaviour when you’re with her? It must get wearying at times.

I knew her parents. She was only child and very much cherished.
Honestly, she’s a strong character so you just have to go along with it. She’s not unkind, and is good company. She’d be upset if I didn’t tell her stuff that was going on, but there’s almost no point as I can predict she’ll pivot the conversation to her own worse woes so quickly.

It could be a way of trying to connect with you albeit not the best way? I agree it must be really irritating but I'm not sure how you could deal with it without causing offence. I have a friend like that and just listen to her (much more dramatic) tale of woe, sympathise and move on. I don't want to lose her as a friend and I'm very sure she's not doing it deliberately and would be really hurt if I or our other friends commented on it

Maybe being an only child she’s used to the spotlight being on her? Could she be a bit self-centred and craves attention? I know 2 people like this, 1 is emotionally immature and the other one “knows everything”.

Is she trying to outdo you, or is she just sharing what she's currently going through with a trusted friend? If she wants to share, what would a better way of doing that be?

It could be as a cherished only child (not casting shade on onlies, I also know someone like this who was a golden child eldest), she is so used to being the centre of attention that almost subconsciously she’ll try to get the attention back on herself.

Yeah think she is just trying to connect and relate in her own way. If it upsets you I probably wouldn’t tell her your problems going forward.

Is she perhaps trying to show you that she relates to your problem? As in “oh that’s awful, I had something similar happen to me, then using her experience as a way of illustrating what she found useful for dealing with it?

If not then that’s really frustrating, and it can feel like the person doesn’t really care about your problem.

Perhaps a simply worded comment along the lines of “Sometimes I find it difficult to tell you about things that are troubling me, because when you relate it back to your own bad experiences I feel like I need to try to help you with them, and I’d really like get your perspective on [your situation] first.”?

Simply because she is not interested in you and sees you as a sounding board.

Does she ever offer you advice or input to your own situation?

I've cut people like this off. They're draining and add nothing to your life. They are users.