Dealing with a pushy family member

[Birdsintrees123]

I’ve got a situation I’m dealing with right now, with a family member who has become pushy about contact with my children. DH and I have, for various and good reasons, decided to minimize our children’s contact with this family member. However, the family member is getting pushy about contact. They moved to our locality in fact, to be closer to us and have been disappointed with the lack of contact. I unfortunately bump into them semi regularly, and last time, they turned to my kids and directly said to them that they can come and visit her. How do I deal with this situation where as a parent I’ve made a decision with DH to limit contact, but this family member is trying to circumvent this by whatever means possible, including laying guilt or obligation on my kids to get visits. It makes me so cross - they’re mine and DHs kids and it’s our decision how we raise our children. Saying things like this to my children is inappropriate and pushy, especially where they’ve been outright told that we will visit when we want to and to leave us be. Just so awkward and uncomfortable. How best to deal with a pushy person?! Or any personal experiences?

Smile brightly and say “We’ll see” and then walk on. Don’t start and argument or engage in drama

Explain the situation in an age appropriate way to the D.C.

She is using your discomfort to manipulate you, do let her.

‘Not today, we’ve got too much on’
’Maybe another time, DH and I will be in touch’
’No, that doesn’t work for us’
’Relative, it’s no good asking them as we’re the ones who decide what’s happening’

Or a phone call out of hearing of the children telling her that she’s not going to be spending time with them, to stop asking, and if you have to cut contact with her completely and move to a different area, you’ll be willing to do it.

At every point in this persons move near us, we have set out our feeling about it. When she said she’s moving, I said I had concerns, then she said there will be no problems and she’ll keep herself to herself. When she moved, she was asking for us to visit her with the kids. We made excuses, and still she wouldn’t accept. Next thing we hear from another family member is that she’s feeling rejecting after moving. Now she’s in the area, we’re bumping into her and she’s suggesting that my children visit, and letting us know of events near her in case we want to join her. Everytime she does it, it’s done in such polite way, and anyone from the outside would just say she’s being kind. But I feel massive pushiness and total dismissal of my parental decisions. Infuriating!

How old are your children? Are they old enough to understand why you don't want them to have contact with this relative?

Does she know why you have gone no contact with her? It's quite alarming that she has moved to your neighbourhood purely to have more contact. Can you say what her relationship is to you? I'm imagining a mother or a sister. Is it someone that has been abusive to you in the past? Are you scared for your children's safety?

@thepariscrimefiles both children are young and don’t understand.

if it’s okay, would prefer to to say exactly who, but is a closer relative.

We never were no contact with her previously, and I was content to visit her a few times a year and keep visits contained to that. But, seeing her in my locality and feeling pressure to visit because she’s close is a whole different ball game and feels (rightly or wrongly) very intrusive.

there are previous issues in the family of not listening to family members thoughts/feelings, and manipulation of people in the family. I want to keep my children away from this as much as I can, but not necessarily NC, just distance!!

She says there are other reasons for her move, but realistically, she doesn’t know anyone else around here. It may be the case that there were other personal reasons for her moving, but it seems like being near my kids was part of it, given her behaviour since moving.

It sounds like she is the type of person who doesn't like boundaries. Any boundary you exert is likely to be challenged or trampled. It's a disordered way of thinking and the only way to deal with it is to stick to your guns and not give them an inch (or they'll take a mile).

If she continues to behave like this, which in all likelihood she will, then your only option will be to reduce contact further or cut them out completely.

If you used to see this person say 3 times a year when they lived further away, commit to three times over the next 12 month period when you’re going to see them.

For example, “we wanted to get some dates in the diary of when we would see you, so we were thinking in early Dec would be good, then we could meet up at Easter and then at the start of summer.”

Get those dates booked in and then if he/she bumps into you in the street and says about meeting up you can say “yes, we have our next meet up planned don’t we, so we’ll see you then.”

Or, if you’re feeling more direct you could ask “why did you lie to us?” And if they ask “what lie?” You can say that you’d said when they moved to the area you’d only see them the same amount of time as you had previously, approximately 3 times a year, and they said they were fine with that, but here they are trying to guilt you into spending more time with them when you have three dates booked in to spend with them. So did they lie because they assumed once they’d moved closer they’d get you to change your mind? Because you, OP, aren’t a liar and you’re sticking to your word about seeing them three times a year and you don’t appreciate the guilt tripping when they promised you they wouldn’t do that and you’ve been truthful from the start.

For your own peace of mind, you have to accept that this person is who she is. They are not going to change, and they are not going to respect you or your family, your feelings or your boundaries. Nothing you do can change her into the person you would like her to be. No explanations, no communication style, no consequences or boundaries will change who this woman is.

The only thing you have control over is your own boundaries. Stay firm. If 'we'll see' means that she continues the behaviour, then it has to change to 'that's not going to happen, and please stay away from us as requested.' If that still doesn't stop her, then change your response to 'if you do this again, we will be returning to No Contact with you.'

And stick to it.

If someone behaves so badly that you have to go NC with them, resuming contact rarely results in anything other than the need to go NC again.

OP
re your comment
"Next thing we hear from another family member is that she’s feeling rejecting after moving".

So she sent in a flying monkey (usually well meaning but easily manipulated relative) to do her bidding for her when her sledgehammer approaches did not work. Flying monkeys have their own agenda here and not your interests at heart so this person needs to be ignored too. She may well send in other flying monkeys; ignore them as well.

Such disordered of thinking people do not change; you can only control how you react to them.

Low contact as well often leads to no contact and this female relative of yours is really not worth bothering about. Take yourselves out of her sphere of influence completely.

I was honest about how I felt about her decision to move, as I felt that was important (even though it was super awkward to have to be so direct), but it does mean now she can’t say that she didn’t realise. Even though, she has said to other family members that she didn’t realise it would be an issue. I get a fight or flight feeling when I bump into her in public. Makes me so uncomfortable that she’s just hanging around my home and then encouraging my kids to visit her when she does get the chance to see them, whether that is bumping into them or when visiting on the few occasions we go there.

Have you considered moving now yourself OP?

@27pilates myself and DH have considered it at times. But we have close friends and other family who we have positive and supportive relationships with. We’re also happy with schools. I don’t think this family member will move. She’s spent a lot of money moving and has spent money on her new house too. It seems she’s going down the route of becoming pushy and stubborn and hoping that works instead of pulling back and leaving us alone. She’s spent too much on her move to simply not try and get the best outcome for herself (and get the set up of family contact that she originally moved for).

Nightmare

What a nightmare!

Is it possible to reduce the bumping into each other without doing something as drastic as moving?

So, if you know she always shops in Sainsbury’s, change to shopping at Asda. If she always bumps into you outside school at pickup time use after school club for a term, if she’s always in your local park start a new park investigation challenge and go to some other places,

Basically, try and see if you can reduce contact as much as possible.

I also like pp plan of getting a December date in the diary so if you bump into each other you can say “looking forward to seeing you in December” rather than trying to think of something on the spot.

How close does she live? Do you always bump into her at the same place?

Ciild she be stalking you? Do you have a ring doorbell and 24/7 dash cam? If there is evidence that she is doing this report to the police.

I wouldn’t be ‘making excuses’ - I would be direct with words like ‘No - that’s not appropriate / won’t work for us’. You could get ahead of her and be blunt. Set up 3 dates a year - never in your home and tell her if she over-steps once more there will be no meet.

Contact her now - be blunt. Tell her NEVER to interfere with your DCs directly ever again - she knows she exactly what she has done - she is manipulative. Shine a light on her behaviour. Be calm in your communication - don’t be scared of her ‘kicking off’ - this is how she controls people by keeping them silenced with a threat of volatility. If she kicks off you know she has heard what you have to saw and just reconfirm it in a text.

You hold the power, you have agency - never forget that.

If you’re prepared to continue seeing her a few times a year as you previously did, I think that @RogerR4bbit’s idea of committing now to a handful of dates over the next few months is a good idea.

It seems like having low contact with GC is an emotive thing for her, and is why she’s got so pushy with it. It’s so difficult for me to feel comfortable with my children visiting more than a few times a year when I sense so strongly that she dislikes me so much.

You reap what you sow.

She has no right to access your DC whatsoever - no matter what blood relation she is.

Trust your gut - if she triggers a negative sense in you she shouldn’t be around your DCs - she will use them to punish you further and undermine you. Don’t give her the opportunity. She can’t be trusted - she has form - don’t take the risk. These types are entitled and like children to generate affirmation for themselves. They have no interest in the DCs well being.

Keep strong. Build those boundaries higher.

There is an extremely useful little word in the English language.

‘No’.

Some people find this word very difficult to use. They are wrong and they should learn to use it. Using it for the first time can feel very uncomfortable indeed. But every subsequent time you use it, it gets easier. Much easier. Then, you start using it all the time to enforce boundaries. And, funnily enough, people stop trying to take advantage and exploit your good nature because they know what the answer is going to be.

‘No’.

Whoever's parent she is needs to have a blunt conversation with her, away from the children, reminding her of what was said before her move, re-iterating that it hasn't changed, won't be changing, and if she continues to try and circumnavigate what you've said by putting you on the spot in front of the children then even those usual visits will be cut down.

I find this whole thing so frustrating. I had a conversation once she moved to say that I would not be visiting every weekend and I do have my own life and plans. I explained that I’d visit with the kids when it suits us. So why would she then say to my kids that they can come visit her sometime soon?Particularly in the knowledge that I’ve said that I’d visit when we want to?! Am I being unreasonable or is bypassing my view on this totally inappropriate?!

She's trying to corner you into doing what she wants.

She's banking on your children wanting to see her and you wanting to please them more than go against her.

It's rude. It's manipulative.

And if you're all going to be living in close proximity ongoing you need to be hard on it.

She has you so bamboozled that you are doubting yourself. Don’t fall into this trap - be mindful and aware of your feelings, needs and wants and focus hard on them. She has always undermined you to meet her own needs and she is doing this right now. Don’t let her.

You also are angry and frustrated that she is forcing you into a ‘confrontation’ necessary to restate your boundaries to her which would not be necessary with ‘normal’ people.

People like her know what they are doing - she’s counting on you just rolling over because you want to avoid conflict.

But it doesn’t have to be conflict - you hold the power - don’t get angry or rattled to her face - be calm and direct (even if it’s a text ….. but be clear she will show it to everyone) - calmly call her out on it. Tell her your boundaries (3 times a year - dates already in the diary - neutral territory) and the consequences (NC) if she pulls any more stunts of this nature.

You hold the power - use it.