Blindsided and angry

[Teacatswine]

So on 14th May my DP left me. Totally blindsided by this as he was still acting completely normal in our relationship, had no idea he was unhappy.

A woman came back into his life after not seeing each other for 40 years, a few months before this. They were at primary school together. Used to talk to much in class and got split up by their teachers.

DP was doing 3D printing and she asked him to print some stuff for her grandchildren. She would come to our house to pick up 3D prints and speak to me too, on more than one occasion. Asked me to be her friend on Facebook, which I accepted.

Asked DP to go for a walk with her dog and go to cafe to catch up. He declined on that occasion as he had a sore leg. The week after, when I was away for the day with my girl pals they met up, they spent about 2 hours together, know this via my ring doorbell.

After this, ever time I went through to our 'office room' he was on his phone, changed his Facebook so I could only see mutual friends etc. Found this out later.

Back to 14th May...He asked me to go for tea as we were both working from home and he was getting his back waxed (1st time in 5 years). Waxing place was 5 minutes from one of our favourite places to go to eat in town. Mutual friend also came. When we were all sitting, I reached out to feel his newly waxed back and he flinched. Never said anything at the time, came home and had mighty argument, said he wasn't happy, never showed any unhappiness before! My gut was telling me it's this OW from primary school, said this to him and he denied it, packed all his clothes and his passport and went to his mum's. Never actually spoke to me about the situation again!

Had to continually chase him via email to sort out finances, getting the rest of his stuff etc., we have a house together, which has 5 years or so still left on the mortgage. This infuriated me as he just continued to ignore me.

Anyway 8 weeks later ( I was with him for 10 years) he is in a relationship with primary school friend. Both have blocked me on everything. They did this yet I'm the one getting ignored, he is so cold and nasty towards me, even his BIL, said to his family he was a nasty prick to me when he eventually came for his stuff.

I have continued to tell him how I feel about what they have done, definitely emotional affair as he keeps denying they were cheaters, via email. Largely ignored but makes me feel better to get it off my chest. So tempted to email her to tell her what I think of her, have not done so far.

Not sure what I want from this post, just needed to get it out!

Sorry for the length of post and if you have read it, many thank 🙏.

I’m so sorry. He’s done all of this in such a low, cowardly and seedy way. You didn’t deserve this. Make sure you secure finances. Do you have joint accounts etc

@Teacatswine thats an absolutely shitty thing for him to do. Do you have any children?? Is he financially liable for them x sending hugs x

No words, other than what a cunt.

Hi mn is a brilliant place for helping you through things like this.

where is your head at now? You’re 3 months on from the bombshell.

don’t email her or try and get any info out of him. You will never get what you need which is an acknowledgment that he is an arse. They will gaslight you every step of the way.

the best thing you can do, is let the collective hive of mn advise you to the best possible financial outcome and help you become your best self away from him. You will be ok. He is a twat.

💐

He's a twat.
Luckily he's someone else's twat now.

Thank you for your replies. We have no children together. I have one adult son from previous marriage who doesn't live in the same city as us. We do have a joint account. Finances are getting sorted via a solicitor on my part He is also due me money from the money I put into the house we bought together, debt he was due to his ex wife that I paid off when we met so we could have a clean slate 🙄 and so far he has been paying this and half the mortgage. Was hoping for a clean break but he can't afford a loan for all the money he is due me so solicitor advised that I do a minute of agreement so he doesn't default on any payments. He wants to continue to pay the mortgage until it is finished (just over 5 years time). Then sign the house over to me. Solicitor said this was probably a guilt thing and it was my best option to go with that, as he will paying into a house that he'll get nothing out of it. Signing the house over to him wasn't an option as I wouldn't have enough money to buy another property without a mortgage and given my age (56), I might not get one anyway. My job is precarious, pay offs happening just now and possibly in the future and I have M S in the mix too. So we do have the practical side more or less sorted...it's the emotional side that I'm struggling with 😢

ok so you know they were having an affair. He’s lying when he denies it. So don’t bother pushing him on that one. They all say this . We all know it’s bullshit .
also don’t message her. They deserve each other.
its 100% true what they say about the best revenge is a life well lived . Put all your effort into doing anything that makes you feel better about yourself and I hate the term but try and ‘live your best life’ .

They treat you badly as if you did something wrong instead of acknowledging their own faults.
You “made” him be an unfaithful lying fucker because you failed to make him happy. Not his fault at all, poor lamb.

I have been through something similar although it was husband (now ex) and my best friend.

Before I found out what was really going on he suddenly said he was leaving and seemed really angry with me, being very critical of things which had honestly never been an issue and he had been completely happy about.

I was bewildered and felt horrific, that I had somehow unknowingly hurt him, treated him badly and that I had lost the love of my life through my own behaviour. He told me there was nobody else involved when I asked. He said he just had to leave me.

I found out the truth six months later. He had been shagging my best friend for at least a year and he was now moving in with her.

The cruelty and selfishness of not only deceiving someone like this is bad enough but to then try and blame them for it and leave them feeling undeserved guilt just to make yourself feel better is beyond words.

I know how much it hurts OP and it will be horrendous for a while yet but truly and honestly you are better off without such a turd stinking up your life.

If he is so pathetic and dishonest then good luck to his old playmate taking him on.
Fingers crossed he will screw her over in the future too and both of them will end up with the life they deserve.

Ps Just read your solicitor says go with the agreement.
Get everything pinned down legally as fast as you can.
My ex initially agreed a plan and then reneged on it as time went on to my detriment.

Don’t trust him an inch. The person you thought you knew is gone.
This is a stranger and you don’t know what he might do at all.

The rubbish took itself out. I hope you have lovely friends irl to support you OP. He will probably come crawling back once his infatuation and reality sets in but work on yourself as you now know the type of ass hole he is. As for the “mistress” don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing how you feel she is a nothing with very loose morals. You are worth so much more than her & every one will know what she is. Live your best life is revenge enough she will be looking over her shoulder as she knows what he is capable off

@Mrsmunchofmunchingtonyes I was just thinking the same thing. I find it hard to believe he will pay into a house until it’s paid off to receive nothing back from it. I wouldn’t trust him at all on this .

You need to hitch up your petticoats and start preparing for life on your own. Don't let him see how much he hurt you and hide any signs you want him back. Read ' The Script' which you can find online. You can here or to your friends. He is putting himself first; you need to too. We are here.

What a cruel son of a bitch. Lets hope he has nothing but misery in his life ahead.

Thanks so much guys 🙏. Sorry new to posting on here and not sure how to reply individual.

@Mrsmunchofmunchington so sorry you have gone through this too, especially with the 2 people the most that should have been there for you. I hope you are healing ❤

@fedup078 thank you. It's hard not to bite back and call him out for his lies, but you are right I will never be satisfied with his answers as ultimately they are just more lies. I will not email her, I realise that they will just ignore it and feed on their assumption that I'm crazy or bitter and twisted. ❤

I have a great support network with my family and friends and actually his family. They have picked me up and dusted me off and been there, which I am eternally grateful for. But as much as they are all doing their very best and more, it's the continued thoughts when your not working or busy and are alone in the evening that go round and round like white noise in your head, I know it will just take time for that to go. 😔

@Teacatswine big hugs ❤️. I have no relatable advice but glad at least there’s many wise heads here to support you.

Im single but just gives me the chills that you were with this guy for 10 years and committed to him and yet you were so disposable to him 😐. Just shows you just really can never ever be wholly dependant on another and need to have your means of support/savings. Not v romantic I know, but MN has made me realise how very naive I previously was about relationships!

Thank you all 🙏. Solicitor working on the minute of agreement as we speak and hopefully have the minute of agreement next week for me to read over and agree it's contents, then it's getting sent to him to sign. Once it's legally registered, if he defaults on any payments solicitor said I can get his wages arrested. He works in a private school so doubt he'd want that as his employees would know and his reputation of being 'a great guy' would be shot.

Yes his 'mistress' is a home wrecker with no morals whatsoever, but they both cheated on their partners to be together 😡. He dumped me, then she dumped her boyfriend and poof...They are together!

I have read The Script and it's spot on!

I'm lucky I do have lots of support IRL.

So grateful for all your support MNetters ❤

I just want to give you the biggest hug 😘 So many big emotions bottled up, and none of them are your fault. Would love to offer some helpful advice - only in time will you begin to heal from such raw pain. Be as kind & as gentle with yourself as you possibly can. Nobody deserves such cruelty, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Xxxx

I've just bought the book and down load how to mend a broken heart by paul mckenna.
Im not sure how it will go but after one listen I feel loads better.
Good luck

i just wanted to add to be careful of your ex husbands family. It’s great they’ve all rallied around you but there will be a time when they welcome him back into the fold and accept the ow. It will feel like a betrayal all over again so please just be prepared for this as it will open old wounds. Sorry this has happened to you x

This is the best advice you will get. You are not married, no joint kids, so get finances sorted ASAP. But do make sure you have looked at pensions, wills etc to make sure he is no longer a beneficiary.

They are both scum. Please don't email him any more telling him how upset you are and don't email her either. I say this kindly - neither of them care how you feel so don't give them the satisfaction of seeing your pain. Dignified silence and leave any contact to solicitors. Be wary of telling his family anything - lean on your own family and friends.

Your best revenge is to be happy. You have found out he is not the person you thought he was and therefore you are well rid of him. Start planning some nice things to do for yourself now you only have yourself to consider and can do exactly what you want. New hobbies, travel, outings with friends, exercise classes or hiking or swimming - the world is your oyster!

THIS ^
All of this.
And don't bother contacting either of them and asking them to confirm anything. They won't and even if they did, so what? You tell people your story if anyone asks; otherwise focus on getting the property settled.