Looking for some impartial advice from other parents who’ve been here.
My ex and I separated when I was pregnant, but have managed to muddle through co-parenting for the most part. Never a need to go to court. The only times DD has not gone to her dad's was during lockdown and times she has been too ill to go.
14yo DD usually sees her dad twice a week after school and stays over every third weekend. This arrangement has been in place for years and has worked fairly smoothly up to now.
The issue is that sometimes she really doesn’t want to go, for reasons that seem valid to me (autistic burnout after school, social anxiety in busy situations, just wanting some downtime at home).
She’s old enough to articulate her feelings clearly and I don’t feel comfortable physically forcing her to go when she’s crying or clearly distressed.
Recently she was invited to a party at a busy restaurant. She explained very clearly that she wasn’t comfortable going, because she finds large groups and noisy places overwhelming, especially after a tiring first week back at school. We talked through some potential strategies that might help like trying the restaurant beforehand to get a feel for it and having her text us if it gets too much and she wants picking up early.
She said that she just wasn't ready and would rather meet up with friends one on one or in a smaller group. She was settled with her decision and I respected that, but her dad spent hours on the phone trying to change her mind, despite the conversation upsetting her. When she still said no, he said he was disappointed, as she was missing out on an opportunity and then got off the phone to go to bed.
I then dealt with a tearful DD until 2am, trying to convince her that she is able to choose whatever she is comfortable with and that she has not let anybody down.
Yesterday (day before the party) he wanted to take her to the same restaurant as part of his contact time. She was visibly upset and begged me not to go, as she felt he was doing this to make a point. I said to ex that I would not be sending DD for contact whilst so distressed.
Ex became angry and asked if I was trying to control what he does with DD on his time. I reiterated that whilst I didn't agree with his plans, the only reason I was not sending DD in this moment was because she was too distressed to go.
He insisted that I force her to get ready or he would come and take her himself. I said absolutely not and that he was not to come over. I said that I would work on calming DD down and we'll take it from there.
After an hour, I managed to calm DD down enough to talk about what she was thinking. She said in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to go and asked why couldn't he pick any other restaurant? She even said she would be happy to go to that one, but not the day before the party, as she's still feeling delicate about not going.
He rang her and she ended up going with him, but later she told me it was a horrible evening. When I asked why, she wouldnt explain any further as she was too angry, upset and tired.
I've not heard from her since (ex does take DD's phone away from her at his sometimes) and likely won't find out anything before she comes home tomorrow.
I feel awful for not insisting she stays, but she physically went with him in the end, after a lot of convincing from him.
Ex feels that as she’s “a child,” she shouldn’t get a say in whether she sees him and that I’m being obstructive if I don’t make her go every single time. He can also be quite pushy and has hinted about legal action, which makes me anxious.
I want DD to have a good relationship with her dad, but I also want to respect her voice and protect her mental wellbeing.
Has anyone else been in this situation with a teen?
At what point can/should a child’s wishes be respected around contact?