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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help

13 replies

Amyelle81 · 06/09/2025 14:40

Sorry this will be long. I’m just at a complete loss and i don’t know where to turn. I’m in a 15 year relationship and we have 2 children boy12 girl 8.. There Dad is awful to both me, them and basically anyone that crosses his path. He is verbally and financially abusive, has a violent temper, shouts swears screams. Full on narcissistic personality. I hate him and I’ve never been more miserable in my life. Last November he hit our son (he is neurodivergent and extremely anxious) we got into a huge fight which caused me to throw a fabric washing basket at him while he was refusing to leave and laughing me. He called the police and tried to get me done for assault but it backfired because the dental officer saw through him and she took a full statement from me which resulted in me telling them everything that had every happened. Because he hit my son and my son confirmed it social services wee involved. They visited my children individually at school and took statements from them with the police, my children also confirmed his behaviour. I had no knowledge they were going to the school, my children made their statements all by themselves and completely told the truth. My son however did tell them that he loves his dad and does not want us to separate. He had to have a meeting with the police where he confirmed he did it but that my son pushed his buttons and he wouldn’t do it again. They let him off with a warning. I forgave him (again.. for my kids sake) he promised change and social services dropped everything on the terms that if he didn’t change I’d leave him. Well of course he hasn’t changed, he’s still very much the same and laughs about the whole thing. I so desperately want out but I literally have nowhere to go and barley any money to my name. I’m a full time carer for my elderly dad who worried about me constantly and knows nothing about this. The narcissist is very fake to everyone around me, most would be shocked if they new the truth. My elderly dad especially. We lost my mum 2 years ago and i don’t want to cause him any stress. But i have very little money of my own (£82) a week. And i pay for the kids school meals and anything they need because he basically couldn’t care less. He pays the bills, the car, and threatens to take them off me almost daily. I need the car because we live rurally in Cornwall and my dad has lots of appointments and the kids have different schools, clubs, teams etc. i feel so stuck. If i contacted social services im scared what it would do to the kids again because they hated it all last time. Would they help move us or would they separate the kids from me? I honestly don’t know where to turn with this or how to get out of this situation. Any advice would be very appreciated, thank you 😢

OP posts:
Mysticguru · 06/09/2025 16:19

"I forgave him for my kids sake"

This man is seriously damaging your kids. Get rid of him and let your kids and yourself live in peace.

TheAvidWriter · 06/09/2025 16:50

Woman's aid is an option, go on their website, there you can find your local woman's aid charity or shelter, contact them first thing. They will be able to give you broader assistance with what other options there are in your area.

I would not tell your DH what your train of thoughts are.

Hoardasurass · 06/09/2025 17:02

Womens aid and/social services then uc and cms claims as soon as you or he is out the door and call the police as his abusive behaviour is continuing

Secondstart1001 · 06/09/2025 19:15

Refuge is an option..,. They have a refuge for women and children and a helpline. Try call them. I’m sorry you are going through this but I’m glad you are taking steps to get away from him. Is it possible for you to retrain / get another job?

Endofyear · 06/09/2025 22:09

Please call Women's Aid and get some help and support. Your children will not be separated from you and you can all be housed if you are fleeing DV. If he behaves in an aggressive manner or threatens violence, call the police and have him removed from the home. You will need to be strong and don't take him back. Do this for your children and yourself, you deserve to live free from fear. Money wise, you can claim UC and put in a claim for child maintenance.

The next few months will be hard but dig deep and find that inner strength. There is light at the end of this tunnel and your future will be happy and peaceful 💐

Mumoftwojune · 06/09/2025 22:36

As Much as you don’t want to worry your Dad, I am certain he would rather you told him and asked for his help, than not.
At the very least you could do with practical and / or financial help and support which perhaps your Dad could offer. Go into any conversation with a plan and conviction in your decisions, if he sees you are standing firm and confident he will draw emotional strength from you. You need to do this for yourself and your kids. Good luck x

Secondstart1001 · 06/09/2025 23:02

@Amyelle81 tell us how best to help you?

MeTooOverHere · 07/09/2025 00:17

Amyelle81 · 06/09/2025 14:40

Sorry this will be long. I’m just at a complete loss and i don’t know where to turn. I’m in a 15 year relationship and we have 2 children boy12 girl 8.. There Dad is awful to both me, them and basically anyone that crosses his path. He is verbally and financially abusive, has a violent temper, shouts swears screams. Full on narcissistic personality. I hate him and I’ve never been more miserable in my life. Last November he hit our son (he is neurodivergent and extremely anxious) we got into a huge fight which caused me to throw a fabric washing basket at him while he was refusing to leave and laughing me. He called the police and tried to get me done for assault but it backfired because the dental officer saw through him and she took a full statement from me which resulted in me telling them everything that had every happened. Because he hit my son and my son confirmed it social services wee involved. They visited my children individually at school and took statements from them with the police, my children also confirmed his behaviour. I had no knowledge they were going to the school, my children made their statements all by themselves and completely told the truth. My son however did tell them that he loves his dad and does not want us to separate. He had to have a meeting with the police where he confirmed he did it but that my son pushed his buttons and he wouldn’t do it again. They let him off with a warning. I forgave him (again.. for my kids sake) he promised change and social services dropped everything on the terms that if he didn’t change I’d leave him. Well of course he hasn’t changed, he’s still very much the same and laughs about the whole thing. I so desperately want out but I literally have nowhere to go and barley any money to my name. I’m a full time carer for my elderly dad who worried about me constantly and knows nothing about this. The narcissist is very fake to everyone around me, most would be shocked if they new the truth. My elderly dad especially. We lost my mum 2 years ago and i don’t want to cause him any stress. But i have very little money of my own (£82) a week. And i pay for the kids school meals and anything they need because he basically couldn’t care less. He pays the bills, the car, and threatens to take them off me almost daily. I need the car because we live rurally in Cornwall and my dad has lots of appointments and the kids have different schools, clubs, teams etc. i feel so stuck. If i contacted social services im scared what it would do to the kids again because they hated it all last time. Would they help move us or would they separate the kids from me? I honestly don’t know where to turn with this or how to get out of this situation. Any advice would be very appreciated, thank you 😢

social services dropped everything on the terms that if he didn’t change I’d leave him.

Contact social services again and ask for them to help.

LivingWithANob · 07/09/2025 07:55

Is moving you and kids in with your dad an option? You need to get away from this man.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 07/09/2025 07:58

This is scary. Leaving him is scary. But there is help out there. He sounds like a monster. Cruel bully. Tell social services. Contact women’s aid and refuge. Women said.org.

reach out.

LadyLemoncake · 07/09/2025 08:07

I was in a similar but far less awful situation.

I didn't want to worry my old Dad either.

As it was, I ended up leaving soon after he passed away, pretty much alone. (Again, my situation wasn't as bad as yours).

Since then I have realised that my Dad would have moved heaven and earth if I'd confided in him.

And my wider circle, who I was too ashamed to tell, were very supportive too, once they knew.

Do you have any aunts, uncles, cousins, old friends, friends of your parents or your Mum?

Social services, Women's refuges etc are obvious first steps, but please reach out to those who live and care about you too.

Pinkfreedom · 07/09/2025 08:25

As you are full time caring for your father which prevents you working is moving in with him not an option? Would this lead to carers allowance and other benefits? I know very little of the benefits system.

As the mother of a 38 year old my door is always open to her if she needs a place to stay.

It is important to get away from your horrible partner for the sake of your children, seeing abusive behaviour affects them badly.

Clara27 · 07/09/2025 08:29

This Is an awful situation you and your kids are in but you will need to dig deep and find the strength to take your kids and leave him. Contact women’s aid for support and guidance. Others probably don’t know what he is like but you will need to confide in a close friend or family member as you will need support. Don’t let him get any idea of your intention as he will step up his abuse to bring you back under his control. It’s very scary but you and your kids will never know a moments peace living with him.

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