Husband always thinks he knows more and is always right. Anyone else's?

[Sickofthis027394]

I've been with my husband for over 20 years since we were teenagers.
Background we both came from council estates , he didn't pass any gcses, both worked minimum wage jobs. We were very equal.
10 years ago he decided to get some qualifications and now is in senior management roles. Since then he has completely changed as a person and I hate it.
It's like he thinks hes better than all of us. I am very proud that he chose to further his career and increase his earnings and hes done wonderfully well but i dont like this side of it.
I feel like he talks down to me. Everything i ever say he always has to question or agree with the other side. Its almost as if its an uncontrollable thing that he now does all of the time.
I've just ordered a new diary for work as I like to use paper not Outlook calendar, hes asked me 20 questions about it, why I need it, its stupid, why dont I use Outlook, bet I don't even use it etc. I use it every single day and would be lost without it. I've ended up just shouting at him and storming out. Not over the dairy itself but the bigger picture. Im sick of these constant put downs, constant questioning etc . I really dont know who he thinks he is!!

I still use paper. Ignore him.

yes have a similar man , a teacher - beyond irritating but mostly ignore his mansplaining

I really feel for you on this .. it doesn’t help but both my younger sisters were mature students and now act fairly superior to me .. I’m too kind to say no, I don’t have a degree but I’ve recruited and managed lots of people who have!

also when I took a month off work to do the CELTA course my sister insisted it was a level 3 course .. no, it wasn’t!

maybe your husband needs to mix with some highly educated people who have manners and never act condescendingly.

I prefer paper too. DH thinks it’s funny.

He does the talking down thing too and I used to acquiesce because he’s supposed to be the more educated of us both but as the years have gone on I realise I’m as entitled to my opinion as he is and sometimes he isn’t correct. It does lead to heated discussions at times.

That sounds intolerable OP. I would have to have to talk to him about it and set some firm boundaries or it would do my head in.

I use a paper diary every year and will never change. I like sticking things in it, making notes, etc. You're not on your own with that.

Oh yes. My husband’s a right know-all but most of the time he does actually know stuff.

Google Mel Robbins and her “Let Them” theory. My DH has some interesting views, but I’ve discovered that I don’t have to agree or disagree, I can just say “hmm” or “really?” so he thinks I’m listening. Then I’ll change the subject at the earliest opportunity.

My mother does the always disagreeing thing, so you have my sympathy on that. Nod and ignore works well. If there’s a dig disguised as a question I try to be non-committal and unemotional, and deliberately take it as a surface level question. So she might say, “Are you collecting dead plants?” as a subtle dig about the state of my garden, and I’ll say in a relaxed way, “You’re right, it does look like that at the mo” and then change the subject. If I don’t fight back she has nowhere to go with her digs.

My DH says that about me all the time 🙈

I think you need a simple phrase, “what I’m hearing is…” or “the story I’m telling myself..” or “you might not realise but…” And add whatever is emotionally true, “…you sound like you think you know better than me about me” “…you think you’re much cleverer than me” “…you can always think of things I can’t”.

What this hopefully does is makes him stop and have to either admit he DOES think he’s cleverer, or reassess.

I will admit that I resort to sarcasm when DH (very rarely) does it. “OMG I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE THOUGHT OF OUTLOOK. I JUST BANG MY HANDS AGAINST THE KEYBOARD LIKE A MONKEY” but my DH has a good sense of humour and only does it rarely.

Why are people treating this like the main point is whether digital or paper diaries are better?!

The main issue is that he's a bully who needs to accept that, just as he makes his choices for his life, other people make their choices for their lives - and unless those choices are extreme ones (e.g. 'it's fine to murder people you don't like'), they're equally valid and none of your business if somebody else makes a different mundane choice from you.

This sounds more like he still feels a bit insecure and is dealing with that by being bossy and controlling where he can be like that with impunity.

Paper or digital, it's your personal preference. He doesn't need to manage that.

Is he becoming contemptuous of you? Also, constant put downs and questions your decisions is going to cause resentment in you. Both are marriage killers.

Would he consider marriage counseling?

Would never do marriage counselling.
Ive started to point it out to him every time he does it but today I had just had enough and ended up shouting at him.
Sometimes I dont think he even agrees with what hes saying - he just says it to annoy me . It seems to have become a habit

Would a simple phrase work. “DH I’m going to start calling you Mary Mary Quite Contrary” and then when he does it, “alright Mary?” With a smile. And then walk away.

If it’s common and deliberate it starts being in LTB territory. If you want to combat it, you need to not feed it.

My husband can be like this. With the twenty questions thing we used to fall out. Now I refuse to answer and question back - eg why don’t you use outlook: Why do you want to know? What difference does it make to you? Why do you think you have a right to an opinion on MY diary? He recognises he is ‘doing it again’ and drops it.
With the constant contradicting thing I change tack and exaggerate agreeing; eg outlook is better than paper: oh absolutely, paper is ridiculous, should be banned really shouldn’t it etc…nothing for him to say then. Then once more, he realises what he is doing, says ‘I didn’t mean it like that’ and drops it.

Have you discussed how it's making you feel with him (outside of arguments)? What does he say?

So he's winding you up on purpose sometimes just because. That's also not good. Point it out. Ask him why? Why is important to him for you to use Outlook rather than paper?

Too bad he wouldn't do counseling because it sounds like your marriage needs it.

He's turning you, his wife, into an antagonist. Respond to that with calmness.

Stand in front of him, look him dead in the eyes and tell him to stop it. Stop it right now. Ask him if it makes him happy to invalidate everything his wife says or does, no matter how pathetic. If the answer is yes, then you are clearly no longer compatible and you need to consider your options going forward. Tell him to think about his future too and you'll be waiting for his conclusion that same day. And mean every word of it OP. Don't argue and don't be drawn - just walk calmly away.

Do you feel as though he still likes you as a person? Does he respect you?
Or to put it another way, how would you feel if your best friend were in this situation? Facing daily derision and, well, interrogation about minor things and constantly being put in their place.
Honestly it sounds as though your husband has the ick and doesn't like or respect you anymore. You deserve way better than that.

I would call him a master manipulatior.
If I say it to him he either tells me im imaging it or im too sensitive and reactive.

My husband can be a bit like that and it's irritating because I am fairly clever and perfectly competent. I cut him a bit of slack because when we met I was still young and clueless and still learning some basic life skills ie could barely cook and didn't have a clue how mortgages worked etc. 30 years on and I think he forgets how different I am now.

My favourite retorts are:
Yes, thank you Einstein.
Who are you, the [diary] police?
Don't be pompous, it's very unattractive.
I'm going to nod and smile, then do what I want anyway, do you realise?

OK then. The marriage sounds dead. What’s the plan if that’s the case?

My ex did that.

The things are smaller subtle but really get to you on a daily basis.
He never seems to encourage me or want the best for me yet also wanting me to try harder and get promoted /earn more etc which I am

Are you going to divorce him? You could be enjoying a peaceful life instead.

He won't go to counselling, thinks he's better than you, gaslights you and sounds insufferable.

Very very occasionally my DH does things like this. There was one occasion where he told me in a very sarcastic voice how to do a thing I was the expert in (I forget now what it was). I just sat there and listened carefully and then asked him why he was mansplaining? He’s rarely done it since, and every time he does I call him out.