5 month post separation wobble

[Teeteringonthebrink45]

I have posted here at various times under a few names when in desperate need of support, and feel like I can’t talk to anyone IRL about this as I know it’s ridiculous.
i left my partner 5 months ago due to years of escalating verbal and emotional abuse. I was so scared of how he would react I planned it all in secret and left while he was away, renting a flat for me and our 2 children (primary school age). But instead of angry/scary he was desperately sad and still now, 5 months on, he tells me he loves me and wants us to get back together. We have way more contact than we should (ie more than I would like) and when I see him he hugs and kisses me even though deep down I don’t want him to, but I’m so used to him being in control and me having no say in anything that I can’t make it stop.
The children are doing about 60-40 (more with me) but arrangements are always made last minute and to suit him. He took them away for the summer and I looked after them solo the rest of the holidays and it was really work me down (usually they ate at clubs all summer but I stayed home with them instead to save money and found it really hard).
He is living in the family home and I need it sold so that I can get my equity out and buy a place to live in. I had to pay 6 months rent upfront on the (v shabby but expensive) rental as I failed the affordability check (but had been saving up to leave for 2 years) but from October I need to fork out a huge amount each month. The family home still isn’t on the market and I know he’s dragging his heels on this as he wants things to go back to normal. I have told him repeatedly I don’t want this but when did my opinion or feelings ever count? So I get ignored..
anyway I know that I don’t want to get back with him, I know this deep in my soul, but I can’t help but feel like lots of things (not least finances) would be easier if I just gave in and moved back. I need someone to give my head a wobble please as I know it would be wrong but -
I am massively panicking about Christmas (he will bully me to letting him take the children to his family in Europe, and I will get stuck with my family who I really struggle with, and this in itself is almost enough to make me cave… even if i had the children, we would have to spend it with my family either way and the thought of this make me feel physically ill)
I am worried if I can really afford to live like this for much longer (he isn’t paying any maintenance currently)
please talk me down!!

Please speak to CAB/solicitor they usually do a half hour free advice x

thank you for replying, though I did speak to a solicitor before I left; as we weren’t married there wasn’t really much legally that could be done. I know I could force the sale of the house but that would be awful, and so far from the way things have been going that I don’t want to do that.. I do know he should be paying maintenance (also he earns double want I earn) but as money wa historically a flash point I’ve been putting off bringing it up (also as I’m not paying any expenses for the house that’s he’s now taken over).
really I think I just need talking down from my panic about Christmas and about finances and the future…

Don’t do it. Make a list of all the reasons you left, and remember how long it took for you to get away. You do need to push for the house sale, it’s not fair you’re forking out thousands in rent. I left my ex when my kids were 5 and 2.5. They are 21 and 17 now and are smart, well adjusted kids. Yes it’s been financially tough for me (I live in the south east so although I earn well, I can’t buy until next year when I can relocate up north when youngest goes to uni. My ex and I got on much better as co-parents than we ever did when together. We even did a few holidays together, but stopped that 3yrs ago. I did consider going back a few times, but so glad I didn’t. It didn’t help that my ex always made it clear he wanted that, but I wasn’t going back. Stay strong.

Thank you so much - like I said I absolutely know in my soul I couldn’t go back, but the idea of Christmas alone/with my family is causing me so much worry and stress (it’s not just about this of course, but I feel like this is a major fear I have been ignoring until recently). But then if I remember last Christmas, it was honestly one of the worst weeks of my life, his anger was off the scale, he screamed at the children (and me) in front of his entire family, I barely slept and came back from Europe a shell. This triggered us leaving quite honestly so I’d never want to go back to that.
i also think working out my finances is a big part of it, I’m panicking at having to start paying rent but having sat down this morning and written down my figures I know that I can manage, it’s just daunting. And the idea of sitting next to him on the sofa in the evening or sleeping in the same bed is such an alien idea that I know I wouldn’t really go back. What’s hard I suppose is that the majority of our interactions now (though not all, by any stretch of the imagination) he isn’t showing the behaviour that had become typical for the prior 6-8 months so it’s making it easier to forget how bad it was.
i just don’t know how to feel better about things - I’m on the waiting list for counselling after being referred by woman’s aid so once I start on that hopefully it will help, but I’m feeling worse as time goes on rather than better.

You are separated. This means ALL agreements from your relationship are now off. Doesn't matter what he wants. Doesn't matter that "he wants things to go back to normal." Doesn't matter that he wants not to sell the house and not to pay child maintenance. It's all up for grabs now. Those arrangements are over.

He is trying to keep you 'partnered' (tethered) to him against your will by doing these things (plus the hugging and kissing). You are effectively trapped because he won't let you go. You need to cut those tethers. See a solicitor and start doing whatever your country says you can do to formalise your separation. File paperwork, start negotiations (children and money), set up a digital contact so you don't need to ever see each other face to face again.

You have taken one step but you need to take those other steps. Do it now.