Is this too soon?

[Confusedandbroken]

I wrote a few weeks ago about my partner having an overally friendly relationship with a married female co worker . His reluctance to keep things professional and other things that came to light unrelated to her(OFs) forced my hand and I told him I couldn’t be in a relationship with him anymore . That was exactly two weeks ago . He is still living with me and the kids and has already joined a dating site and arrange to meet up with his ex for drinks next week while simultaneously saying he’s distraught and still loves me .
I said I thought it extremely disrespectful that he hasn’t even waited until he’s moved out to start playing the field ? We have been together nearly a decade and even though I ended things it wasn’t because I didn’t love him anymore it was because he kept hurting me.
is this just what men do when a relationship breaks down ? I couldn’t think of anything I want less than meeting up with any man I just want to be left alone to grieve ?

Yes, this is exactly what a lot of men do when a relationship breaks down. They cannot stand to be alone, they have very little sense of self so have to have the “validation” of being in a relationship.
When you are the woman on the other side of it, watching them “move on” is painful and distressing. You feel discarded, worthless and like they never loved you. The truth though is, they don’t love themselves, they are just not self sustaining.
I know it’s hurtful but it’s not about you, it’s about his weakness and insecurity. You don’t want him anymore so try and see this as a positive. If he’s all happy with his new “relationship” he less likely to be dick to you. Get him out of the house and move on. You will be much better for it xx

I agree with the first poster.

A lot of men are very weak, emotionally. They can't handle being single for 10 minutes. Isn't it pathetic. They have no inner reserve, and no true sense of self. They need the constant dopamine hits and external validation. Poor babies.

So when they start something new with a new woman, it's not about the other woman being a great fit and a genuine connection, because they don't even take the time to get to know that new person, instead it's about them fulfilling an empty space, a vacancy, and to have someone take care of them - a babyish reassurance and being soothed.

It's grim out there. You're better off without a man who carries on like this OP.

This happened to me after more than a decade of marriage and within 72 hours of the split decision, under the same roof and going out dating. Most Mnetters told me it was none of my business. To me it felt disrespectful but the responses from this site were harsh.As someone who has been there, it's as 'Ohmymamamia' says and even my ex said it later -he felt he needed someone to make him feel better about himself. It's hard to ignore and it's upsetting, not because you want them but because it feels like they are rubbing your nose in it. For me it also reminded me of earlier days when he was very attentive and loving -only this time it was directed at someone else. Just let him get on with it, hard though that might seem - you focus on you.

I think his lack of respect is disgusting .
But honestly OP considering you ended the relationship because of his lack of respect for it and you it's really not surprising behaviour.
It shows you have made the right decision.

Unfortunately he’s proved to you who he is. He promised to get counselling to see why he needs validation from other women and instead he joined a dating website!

The pp have it correct. He’s a deeply insecure man who needs outside validation but your validation is no longer enough for him. Even though he is facing losing his family unit and has cried crocodile tears about it, part of him is excited to get out there and get lots of dopamine hits from OW.

But be secure in the knowledge that he is unlikely to find lasting happiness — what women would put up with him seeking out OW constantly. He’ll either be OLD sending unsolicited sexts to women who think he’s a creep or he may find someone for a little while to date before the newness wears off and he needs someone else to chase. It will probably get worse than before since deep down what he has done to your family unit will make his self hatred deepen so he needs higher doses of dopamine to run away from himself.

Don’t give him any energy or let him know it upsets you. He wants it to upset you so he can still feel valuable to you and wanted. Tell him this type of behaviour just shows you were right to end it and thank him for making it easy for you to be confident in your decision. That will get through to him more than telling him it’s disrespectful (which it is). He doesn’t care about your feelings. He cares about what people think about him.

Of course it's disrespectful OP and despite his protestations about being distraught at the end of your relationship, and that he loves you, he is showing you exactly the opposite; that he is weak, needy and attention seeking. Can't you ask him to leave? It must be intolerable having him under the same roof.

I agree with all of this . Having watched this scenario play out with a close family member, do you actually think they do realise deep down they have broken a family unit or do they manage to keep deluding themselves ' it's not my fault '? Bit like when they can't be bothered to see their children but swear blind 'psycho ex won't let them'. Most of the time they seem to actually believe it.

Yeah I often wonder, if they seemed like a decent human being before, does their conscious catch up with them at any point?!

Usually only when they’ve fucked over every woman they’ve ever been with and end up with too much history or frankly too old to get another one, so they are alone. Then they might self reflect on their mistakes and how much they’ve damaged the people they were supposed to love. Alternately they hang on to their narrative of being a victim and end up bitter and twisted. I do not believe it ever works out well for them, in the long run.