What if he threatens to harm himself again?

[Charliebean123]

I met someone at work 8 months ago! He’s from the same town I grew up but I didn’t know him growing up! I know he has been in a long term relationship and has a daughter. He has worked in the same job for many years and that’s where I met him! People I work with say he’s a nice guy.
Recently we have had a few disagreements and the latest disagreement ended in me needing space. He got so upset, threatening to leave his job as he couldn’t see me at work. He even messaged saying he didn’t want to live! He said he can’t keep picking himself up after failed relationships! I was worried about him and checked in on him. He ended up going back to work after phoning in sick! This was only a week ago.
My daughter has come home this evening saying her friends mum knows this guy from when they were younger and would like to speak to me! We also went to school together. She rang me and sounded upset. She said sorry to have to tell you this but when she was younger, about 14 (he would have been 17). This guy tried to kiss her and touch her inappropriately and she asked him to get off and he wouldn’t. Her dad found him and warned him away. She said he also followed another girl home!
My daughter is asking what the conversation was about. I haven’t told her, all I know is I can’t continue with the relationship.
How do I manage this?! He appears to be the type of person that worries what other people think. He is not going to take this well, knowing I know and my daughter’s friend, possibly!
I work with him too! What if he threatens to hurt himself? What if he takes this badly, not only me ending it but the reason why! I don’t want to have to work with him either!

You don't tell him what you know. There's no need. It will only cause him to naturally become defensive. Everyone has a past and there's two sides to every story.

But.... The important thing here is : you don't want to see him anymore and you know that. That information was off putting for you (as it would be me )

I'd keep it nice and casual. Just politely dump him. You escalate if he escalates. What he does thereafter is none of your concern. You can't stay with someone because you're frightened they'll harm themselves. That's blackmail and manipulation on their part.

If someone threatens to harm themselves you report that threat to 999 if immediate
Or you can write to their GP to inform them
Then you carry on.
You are not responsible for their actions.
People break up all the time.
Is up to them to figure out how to seek support

Why all the exclamation marks? Not all those things are shocking or important enough and its distracting trying to figure out what is shocking or important.

He sounds to me like he is very volatile and has difficulty maintaining relationships. He should have learnt by now not to mix work and social relationships.

Are you in a romantic relationship with him? Does your employer have a policy about this? Have you breached any company rules?

Don't tell him about the other woman or her daughter or any of that stuff - it's not relevant. If you are in a romantic relationship with him, just tell him you don't think you are compatible. If he tries to make it a problem at work, go and explain the situation to HR.

Just to reiterate: do not under any circumstances tell him why or what you've heard. It will be seen as rumours and malicious gossip. And you've no way of proving it. So naturally he's going to deny it and become very upset. There is literally no point whatsoever.

It would be a desire for drama if you bought this up. All he needs to know is that you don't wish to be with him romantically. You can give any manner of reasons or none at all. "Sorry I'm just not feeling it . I wish you all the best. I won't change my mind on this. " Will do.

You break it off.

If he threatens to harm himself you tell him that you will call 999 and inform them of his distressed state. Then do it if he persists. He's not your job to fix.

Stop with the exclamation marks.

We had only just had a long conversation on Wednesday and he said how sorry he was and he shouldn’t have said those things! He organised a night away and for us to meet tomorrow night over food and drinks!
I was feeling apprehensive but was going to go!
He’s excited and been messaging!
Im going to have to give him a reason.

You need a backbone! You don't have to go to anything!

Just take some responsibility! You call him and say "look. I should have told you this earlier but was struggling to find the words. But I just aren't feeling things at the moment. I don't want to waste your time. I'm happy to send you half the costs of the hotel if you're unable to cancel . But I won't be going. I'm sorry John. Its just my honest feelings and I wish you well"

I do think it you knew he'd booked a hotel and you knew you didn't want to be with him and you didn't let him know earlier, knowing he'd paid for a trip for you : I do think that offering some recompense for that is reasonable and neutralises the Ill feeling too.

Of course - because you don't want to. That's the reason.

Given that he's already sexually assaulted at least one teenaged girl, doesn't that give you at least pause for thought about why he's interested in you when you have a daughter?

If he threatens anything, it's not your problem. He doesn't get to terrorise anybody into either being in a relationship with him or to give him unfettered access to their daughter because he says he'll hurt himself if you don't.

I have had this phone call 2 hours ago!
I was going to go and give it a chance. So, I’m upset and in shock.
Thanks for the messages everyone

You don't need to be "shocked"- you don't actually know anything.

You've been told an alleged piece of information that could be true. Could be heavily exaggerated. Could be made up for nefarious reasons. Could also be completely true.

Based on this : you on balance have been put off . (That's fair. I would be too. It's allowed) But don't try to shirk off all personal responsibility for ending the relationship.

You're not ending it because he's a "pervert" or whatever. You don't know that.

You're ending it because based on information you've been told : you've made the decision that that information was credible to you and you have chosen to make a personal decision that you don't want to take your chances based on it.

This is not universal - but generally people who tell you during a conflict that they're going to kill themselves are trying to manipulate you.

Sometimes they know they're doing it and sometimes they don't.

Either way, you absolutely cannot allow yourself to be bullied.

This man is no good and you should detach yourself as quickly as you can.

Calm down! There is no need to be so excited!!!
Especially since he is a loser who is manipulating you!!!

Tell him NO and let that be the end of it.

Meanwhile, do some deep breathing to settle yourself down. I'm getting second hand anxiety just reading your updates.

I think that you’re forgetting that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. And you don’t have to have a reason or justify it to anyone.

We had only just had a long conversation on Wednesday and he said how sorry he was and he shouldn’t have said those things! An apology is lovely, but it doesn’t erase the fact that he still said those things. He tried to manipulate you into doing what he wanted by threatening to harm himself. That is not normal. That is definitely not someone you should be in any sort of relationship with.

He organised a night away and for us to meet tomorrow night over food and drinks! Well he shouldn’t have. You’ve just had a massive negative event in your dating each other. If anything, he should be proceeding very slowly and with extreme caution, not booking romantic nights away.

I was feeling apprehensive but was going to go! Are you insane? His reaction to you needing space is to blackmail you into staying with him. And you were going to give him another chance to do that?

He’s excited and been messaging! So what? You don’t owe him a relationship simply because he’s decided he wants one with you. You do get a choice in this. He’s excited because he’s failing to manage his expectations and he’s over riding your wishes.

Im going to have to give him a reason How about ‘Because I don’t want to’? If you really feel that that isn’t enough, then ‘I want to cancel our plans. The emotional blackmail, the threats of self harm and the self pity have made me see that you are not a healthy man, you are not in a position to be having a relationship and I do not want to become responsible for your life, your general well being or your career. I am not a therapist and this is too much to put on me’.
If he threatens to harm himself, then phone the police and tell them. Don’t reply. Don’t tell him you’ve done it. Don’t respond to the blackmail. Let him realise that the result of him trying to blackmail you will be a police visit.

Personally, I wouldn’t even mention what this woman has told you. She’s looked out for you and told you something with the intention of doing you a favour. Don’t repay that by telling him she warned you about him. And, essentially, it’s largely irrelevant to this situation because he is such a bad prospect as a potential partner that she could have told you how wonderful he was, and you’d still have more than enough reasons to run screaming.

Just tell him you won't he meeting up with him and you don't want to see him again.

If he asks why, "Because I don't want to." That's it.

Text him. it's that simple.

He sounds like a red flag 😬 🚩

I would cut communication with him. I wouldn’t want him round my daughter from what you have been told, I know it’s just hearsay and may or may not be true but I wouldn’t risk it. His behaviour of threatening to harm himself is also another red flag 🚩 it’s like a guilt trip technique that these sort of guys do to make you stay. I would just say to him you have thought about things and aren’t ready for a relationship or wanting to see anyone. Then if he continues to message and call just ignore it all.

the work situation I would just try and avoid and keep communication bare min and only discuss work. If he gets too much report him to the police and your manager.

You don't need to give him a reason other than you don't want to. Rip the bandaid off. If he kicks off completely cut contact. If he threatened to kill himself report to his manager at work and just ask them to have a word for safeguarding. Then don't engage.