Sisters arguing that they aren’t bridesmaids - now implying I need to schedule my shower around there availability

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I moved countries to be with my husband, so now I live in his country. I’m having some struggles with the women in his family being controlling and I’m wondering why?

My husbands sisters have always given their opinion on our relationship. always trying to tell us what we should and shouldn’t be doing. My dad was in hospital one time, at the same time my husband lost his cousin, we had a plan to visit my dad in hospital in England and fly back together for the funeral. His mum and sisters convinced my husband to let me go alone to support my dad in hospital, as he “might not make it back for the funeral”, even though there was 4 days leeway. I think they struggle with another woman in his life, or maybe just not getting him to do everything they want anymore. He has explained he has a wife now, and they need to respect it, and me. I don’t think they give a damn about me. Could anyone explain the dynamics at play here, I think it’s all about control honestly.

Situation 1)
We had a legal wedding. Me and his sister were having a chat and I was getting upset about my dad being in hospital last year, after she told me to “explain why I wanted my husband home and why it was important” she called me manipulative, that I was upset, and it ruined the entire night. Me and my husband got into an argument as he didn’t shut her down and I slept alone on my legal wedding night. We have had therapy since, and come along way. He admits he should have had my back and what he done was wrong.

Situation 2)
I chose my bridesmaids for my wedding. I am keeping it small. I have not got them as bridesmaids due to our strained relationship, well, all hell broke lose. My fiance got a text accusing us of treating them like dirt, I’m assuming because the wedding isn’t about them, which they’re used to having their entire life. They text me saying they never thought this would be a convo that they aren’t part of their brothers wedding. My husband explained my bridesmaids are my lifelong friends/ride or dies and they replied WE R YOUR RIDE OR DIE. Do they really think this wedding is all about their wants, and my husband? It’s like I don’t exist to them and I never will.

Situation 3)
Most recently, my best friend is coming over for Christmas. I explained I’d love my bridal shower whilst she’s here. When discussing with his mum, she said well his sister wasn’t going to be in town this Christmas and she NEEDS TO BE THERE, she is FAMILY. I explained I understand everyone has their own lives, and I don’t expect her to uproot her life to make 3 hour bridal shower she replied well she should. This is the warped view they have. Family first and you need to die trying to please everyone. It’s a huge culture shock to me, in my country wives focus on their husbands and children, not fathers; mothers; brothers forever.

Situation 4)
Older sister decided to go weekend away for daughter. $1,000 per night. Husband and me said we can’t afford it. First it was ok, and she said she understands. Then he receives guilt trip messages like “she isn’t getting any younger”

Any advice on how to handle this, I’ve gone virtually no contact, we both have, but with the wedding coming up and family events it’s hard. I also know for the rest of my life they’re going to make us feel guilty for having our own lives.

Just let them do what they’re going to do and you do what you want to. You’ll never change them.

Exactly that 👆. It’s a cultural gap that won’t be bridged. You’re too far apart. Either move back or do as SoMany says.

Can you move to your country, is this an option? If at all possible, I would do this before children come into the picture.

They sound very overbearing. This is always going to be a very difficult situation because they won’t change and you have no control over how they treat you. The most important thing is that your husband understands that you and any children you might have are his priority. His family of origin come after that. He needs to stand united with you and introduce boundaries where his family are concerned and he needs to commit to maintaining them and protecting your new family unit from their toxicity.

Do you have any independence in this country you've moved to - a job, your own circle of friends, your own car, money of your own etc?

If you're planning to stay there, please focus on building your own independence. The family sound awfully overbearing and one way to mitigate that will be to have your own life that you can focus on, so that they can just be one small irritating part of your otherwise varied and pleasant life.

OP this is not your first post about your DH and his family. It's a shame you're already legally married, because there is a clash of cultures and boundaries that he's obviously not interested in addressing at all. It doesn't sound like the beginnings of a happy marriage unfortunately.
How well did you know him before moving abroad?

I would leave. This will never end and they will be a constant presence and your life will be a constant battle, especially when you have kids.