Having an intellectually disabled parent

[BognorBeach]

I have never met anybody else in my position, my DM is intellectually disabled (and I strongly suspect she has undiagnosed ADHD as my son and I have been diagnosed with it)

She is barely literate and thinks/speaks/acts like a child of around 8 years old. Sadly, whilst she has some endearing qualities she is quite bigoted and rude, having adopted my old fashioned grandfather's mindset from decades ago.

I was approximately that age (8) when I first realised she was different. I found out through relatives that she went to a 'special' school.

Social services were around in the background due to her limitations but were completely useless and after my grandparents died (they guided her through parenting me) I was badly neglected when she became solely responsible for my care.

She didn't know how to cook so we lived off microwave meals or frozen beige foods. I had to deal with all mail, bills, letters, helping her with absolutely everything.

She didn't know how to parent me and spent her days shouting, swearing and ranting.

I remember feeling so confused and embarrassed as a child as I realised she was nothing like my friends parents and I ended up isolating myself.

She moved away when I was 16 and became an alcoholic.

I got back into contact with her some years later, as an adult, and have been able to view her more sympathetically but struggle massively with how rude and inappropriate she can be. After having my own children and realising how things should be I can't help but feel really sad about the hand I was dealt (her too - of course)

I've never met my father, it was a brief relationship she said, and now with the benefit of hindsight I can see that she was almost certainly taken advantage of. Age of consent aside - she is too vulnerable.

I'm not her only child but I'm the only one she raised. My brother, who had a different father (another exploitative fucker no doubt) and got adopted from birth. He fortunately had a much better life.

Me, my DH and our DC have just got home from a holiday which we took her along on (shes 3 years sober) and I found it so stressful, having to guide and parent her alongside my DC. I look out for her where I can as she's getting older and can't navigate things like bank accounts and all other life admin.

Talking to DH afterwards he expressed how incredibly rare my situation is and how he had never met somebody with a parent like mine before. He found the trip incredibly exhausting, then he felt guilty for feeling exhausted by it aswell.

My DC are fond of her (my eldest especially as he has additional needs himself so they have connected) and I facilitate a relationship with firm boundaries in place (no shouting, swearing in their presence etc) but that too is exhausting as I'm constantly on guard waiting for her to say something inappropriate.

I'm not without issues as one would expect growing up with absolutely no parenting provisions but I haven't done too badly and consider myself a relatively good person and parent.

I realised today that I would benefit from accessing therapy to talk through it all.

Does anybody here have any experience of a situation like mine or has come across anything similar?

Hi there

My mil sounds very similar to your mum. My husband has had to parent her since he was a child. She has never been logical in the way she deals with conflict which has been exhausting for him. She would laugh at him and tell inappropriate jokes in front of people.

He dealt with neglect and as a result is extremely anxious and over protective of our children. I think to compensate on what he didn't have.

Reading your post I feel so sorry for what you've missed out on but also amazed how well you've done.

My husband has only just started therapy as his dysfunctional way of dealing with life was affecting our marriage and I can honestly say its like he's a different person.

Please can you detail how it may have affected you that would be really helpful. E.g my husband completely isolates himself around company as he thinks he isn't wanted and his interests are very childlike I guess as he wasn't raised by an 'adult'

I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much, OP. It is a peculiar and specific grief when a parent is unable to parent us and we are, from childhood, their parent. My situation was very different from yours but I suspect my dad might have had some kind of intellectual impairment and neurodivergence. A lot fell on my mum’s shoulders and I didn’t feel I had a father so much as a sweet but vulnerable older sibling. When my dad passed years before my mum it was a relief because I knew that he’d never have coped alone and it would have been very hard to support him.

Yes, I think therapy would be a good idea.

Wow OP. It is incredibly unfair that you had such an upbringing. You sound like, despite this you have really thrived and made your own family. You should be really proud!
It does sound like counselling is a good idea. You so deserve this. Good luck! X

I totally identified with your post as it’s a similar situation in my family. My sister has intellectual disabilities and she has a child. Family member’s parent them both for now and it’s a really difficult situation. Getting worse as everyone getting older and elderly relatives who look after them both won’t be around much longer to do the actual parenting - as I think happened with you when you were a child. What you had to manage as a child should not have been left with you - you were so very young to carry such a shitty home life. Social services let you down terribly and sadly in our case they are still refusing to hear or see the reality of the life her child will have if sister is given “every chance to be child’s parent - which is the crap repeated ad nauseum by well meaning social workers who just don’t understand enough about intellectual disabilities. As a family we have voiced our serious concerns about the risks and we get sidelined by social services as kind of controlling. If it wasn’t so sad it would be an absolute joke. It’s a mess tbh. In my view as someone who knows her very well my sister is not able to do the basics of day to day care, manage finances or make medical decisions for her child. Worst is is I don’t think she can keep her child safe from predatory men (history proves my sister can’t keep herself safe and she’s no more savvy and still wants any kind of male attention she can get - no matter how badly she gets treated). So I guess the point is - you are not alone but no one really dares to talk about the reality for children of people with intellectual disabilities being parents. It’s a difficult and uncomfortable truth that it is pretty shit - At least from my families lived experience - and the person who suffers most is the child, sadly. It was lovely to read how despite everything you had to bear growing up you have made a good life and family for yourself. That’s wonderful and I wish you and your family all the very best.

I knew of someone growing up whose dad had learning difficulties. Her parents were married though so she had a more stable upbringing but dad couldn’t work and I think had a couple of mental breakdowns as he couldn’t cope with adult life. Sadly the girl also had learning difficulties and mum found things very stressful trying to parent the daughter while also looking after her husband. I know there was some speculation as to why she married him in the first place and the general consensus was that he had been good looking and kind and his issues hadn’t seemed so bad when they were just dating. Last I heard the girl had had a couple of children very young, was a single mother (because she was very vulnerable and was probably used by men) and her mum was having to help a lot with childcare.