To just be formal from now on?

[GoldWhiteandBlue]

Split with dc dad years ago. She's now 8. For the first 3 years he did very little and was generally shit and lazy. Then he got with one of our mutual friends and started doing more ie 30% he constantly undermines me ie we decided she would have school dinners and he starts making packed lunches, I pay for school club but he decides he'll pick her up when he can. He feeds her rubbish too. He's got no respect for anyone or anything. Anyway I've always been too soft still done the father's day gifts and xmas gifts. Been friendly and always polite when he questions or undermines my parenting. Basically she's gone back to school and he's changing boundaries and basically being a pain. Aibu to just be formal now ? Im fed up of being nice

Anyone?

Yep. If he’s got a partner, she can sort out Father’s Day etc.
grey rock is a thing.

You might get more answers on the relationships board, but I would absolutely grey rock him. No communication other than the basics.

I would suggest asking @MNHQto move this over to the Relationship board as you’ll definitely get more answers in there @GoldWhiteandBlue

Yup defo be more formal.

However you’d best tell him your plans so that she won’t be left with nothing to give him on Father’s Day as it would be upsetting for her, and shes the important one in all of this. He needs to arrange for someone to take her to a shop to buy a card and sweets or whatever at the appropriate time.

Yes, you can be civil without being friendly or helpful. Keep everything neutral.

The thing to bear in mind is that he may well involve your child in his games. There is nothing you can do to prevent this. If it happens, the best way to handle it is to be honest with her, age - appropriate and to slowly give her the tools to understand the situation. Give her space to speak her feelings, and ask her questions such as 'why do you think he did that' and 'how did that make you feel'. It can also go for your own actions, or those of friends, too - it helps her understand both other people and herself.

For instance if she asks for a packed lunch, point out that you and her father agreed she should have school dinners and you would like to stick with that. If she says 'but he says that he didn't agree', then say 'well, the fact is that this is the agreement we made and I want to stick to it'. It's confusing and difficult at the time for a little one because one parent is saying one thing and one the other. But in the long run, the child learns to read the situation and which parent is likely to be telling the truth.

It's hard and it's sad, but it's all you can do. Don't bend over backwards for your ex; it is actually doing your daughter a considerable disservice.

Thank you. She has told me my dad and his gf say they hate me and I'm useless. I just laughed. Its funny how I'm not useless when I raised his child for 3 years with barely any help isnt it ?
I cant even be bothered tackling my ex about it. I just get long winded messages that go no where back. It's a waste of my life and time.

Speak to the school and tell them that your ex is being unreasonable and that if dinners are ordered then she should 💯 be given dinners...and if she's been booked into clubs then tell them shes not to leave till there finished.
He is undermining you, put a stop to it

Yes, be formal.

But you should still sort out presents for him from her until she is old enough to take over.

It is just modelling good behaviour.

As far as school clubs and lunches go, just leave him to sort out for his days and you focus on your days. That way he can either buy school lunches or make packed lunches, he can either pay for wraparound care or pick up early. You don’t need to be involved at all.

If he’s saying things like this, in my mind, it’s a form of child abuse. She shouldn’t be hearing things like this at her age. I’d be wanting to restrict her time with him to prevent psychological damage.

I think this us the right approach.

That being said I think I would gently challenge your dd on her telling you what her father and gf are saying.

”It must have made you feel a bit sad to hear them say mean things about me. I know I would have been hurt if someone said mean things about my mother. Lets do something nice for each other to take the bad feelings away.And in the future you don’t need to worry about telling me what they say. It doesn’t matter to me. I do my best for you, always, and I know you know that.”

She prefers me. No wonder is it really