Hey everyone! PSA: thanks for reading it all as it’s a lot! I really need advice
I’m just looking for some advice here. The father of my child has barely been involved in son’s life from about 5-6 months of age, he’s very inconsistent. It got worse as my son got older…(5 now) father of my child lives a party lifestyle, always going out, doesn’t work as far as I am aware and never bothers, I’d say he see’s his son about 10 days a year. Max.
Sad thing is, my son remembers his dad and loves his dad, he has ASD and doesn’t really understand, and I do believe his dad loves his son, he does send money for him and does buy him toys and things but that’s not right is it, he should be making effort. He doesn’t though. Well until he got a girlfriend last year, the girlfriend has 3 kids and now all of a sudden he wants to be dad of the year, fine… but I’ve had a partner for two years now, my partner has met my son and adores him, they have a really close relationship and if I’m being honest, he’s done more for him than his dad ever has from birth, but the issue now like I said is he’s recently decided he wants to be dad of the year and wants my son to meet his girlfriend, he saw his son last one month ago and randomly text me this morning saying ‘Hi. Me and my girlfriend will be taking our son to the circus this Sunday, please?’ It was random and demanding, you barely see your son and want to take him out with a woman I’ve never met? Not happening! I then said I do not mind him making an effort but I need to meet her first, it then landed a big arguement (please don’t forget this man NEVER makes an effort to his son so I’m not tryna be bitter here, just realistic)
So as I said, it landed a big arguement.. My son’s father then decided to send hateful messages to me about my partner, some of the things he said was some things I disclosed to his my child’s fathers mother very early on in me and my partners relationship. This was because my partner has no kids and he was unsure if he wanted something serious but then decided yes he does and he’s happy to be involved at some point with my son (almost two years ago, yes probably shouldn’t have asked the old mum in law for advice but she’s like a mum to me so that’s why) and she must have told baby dad at that point so yes he was just being very bitter and my now partner saw those messages and was upset I disclosed all of that in the beginning. He also was not happy as fathers child said he doesn’t want a ‘next man’ raising his child that how is it fair that my partner is around my son but his girlfriend can’t be… like I said above, lots of reasons why…
So after my partner saw those messages, and hateful voice notes from my son’s dad he went quiet and said this is what I wanted to avoid in the beginning. I don’t want drama. I want to build a peaceful family with you and a happy future but with someone like this who picks and chooses when to involve himself and is full of drama it seems impossible. So I responded very upset and said that he’s letting my ex tear us apart. That I know it’s not easy but please it’s been two years let’s work through this etc. He said he doesn’t think he can, that he will watch for changes and as it stands we are still together but he just is not comfortable now and feels like he can’t even be around my son as he feels ‘unwelcomed’ like he’s stepping on the baby dad’s toes. He also said he keeps thinking that he knew from a few months ago now that he realised I am truly the one, he said he was even thinking of marriage because of it but he said now it’s all kinda changed in his head and he has a lot of decisions to make… i felt sad, and like it’s out of my control, which isn’t easy for me as I do suffer with a bit of anxiety and honestly I really do love my partner a lot, we have that ‘best friend’ kinda relationship. I feel like my ex has ruined my relationship. Me and my partner have texted since but he’s texting very ‘off and cold’ I am just sensing a break up pending….😭😭😭😭😭 like I said yes he was worried about ‘extended family’ in the beginning, and things but he changed his mind very quickly…. I don’t like how I’m feeling so on edge about this all 😓😓
Anyone got any advice? What can I do here? I don’t want to stop dad from being involved, he’s inconsistent yes but I just don’t want him bossing me around and telling me he can have my son see him with his girlfriend. I’d rather him be fully consistent for a matter of months first AND then I’d like to meet the woman etc. this man is not an involved dad! I can’t just let him decide and pick and choose like that. And I don’t want to lose my partner 😢