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Original poster

Is it time to go...

23 replies

VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 16:39

I'm am in an on off relationship for over 4 yrs, both early 50's, don't live together. Always struggled with consistent time together...more obstacles on his side than mine.
Have holiday booked for 2 wks time, was birthday present to him from me but for past few months we haven't been getting on well and more and more disrespect creeping in, hanging up, going silent for days if I raise something etc.
Last weekend I travelled to see him on sat night and stay over Sunday as I often do. We went for drinks and after few hours he told me he had made plans to go away to a match with the lads the next morning at 11. We were in company so I left it there at the time. Next morning he gets up, gets organised and heads off, comfortable and not in any way put out that he was leaving me there after driving an hour to spend the weekend with him. He texted in evening to say "sorry for going to the football". I then set out in a text how annoyed i was about not being asked/told or even considered and he replied he felt relationship was on my terms.
I haven't heard from him since. I'm too old for disrespect and being expected to fill the gaps in someone's schedule.

OP posts:
Apfelkuchen · 05/09/2025 16:52

Call it off and take a friend on the holiday. Life’s too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t prioritise making an effort in a relationship.

Flatbellyfella · 05/09/2025 16:53

Don’t waste your time on a man that treats you like the way he is now, can you get someone else to go on holiday with you?

FreeRider · 05/09/2025 16:54

Well I definitely wouldn't be going on holiday with him - any chance of cancelling and getting a refund/changing the name to a friend and going with them instead?

As you've not heard from him in 5 days I'd guess he's doing the 'don't talk to her for a few days, she'll be so grateful when I do that what I did will be forgotten' bollocks that so many men seem to pull. Personally I'd send one less message 'Let's keep this 5 day no contact going, our relationship is over' and then block him on everything.

Dweetfidilove · 05/09/2025 17:28

How did he get to 50 and still not know how to do relationships properly?

He sounds terrible, but your text suggests you've left the door open for him to come back. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If you've been playing at this relationship for 4 years on and off - how exhausting- at what point do you end it?
I agree you're too old for disrespect, so just end the relationship. Close the door - final, finished, finito.

Original poster
VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 18:03

Thanks for the replies, I have options regarding the holiday so I can get a refund or a friend will go.
@Dweetfidilove Yes, I think you are correct. He is very supportive, kind, we have great chemistry and great fun when we are together. That said I do wonder as you said how people get to that age and don't realise how important honesty, trust respect and effort are to name a few things.

OP posts:
twotrue · 05/09/2025 18:12

All on your terms amounts to him suggesting you’re selfish so you’ll allow him to have so everything his way. How manipulative of him. Doesn’t he prioritise himself! He’s well practiced at this and doesn’t value you. As PP have said, extend the no communication period indefinitely.

PersephoneParlormaid · 05/09/2025 18:14

Yep, I’d end it

Dozer · 05/09/2025 18:15

If you can get most or all of your money back do that.

If you can’t, go alone and lose the money you spent on him.

GoEasyLove · 05/09/2025 18:16

Sorry but your last post made me laugh

How you wonder how people get to that age and don't realise how important, honesty, trust, respect and effort are.

The ones that do have these qualities at that age are normally still on their first marriages and bouncing grandkids on their knees.

Original poster
VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 18:28

GoEasyLove · 05/09/2025 18:16

Sorry but your last post made me laugh

How you wonder how people get to that age and don't realise how important, honesty, trust, respect and effort are.

The ones that do have these qualities at that age are normally still on their first marriages and bouncing grandkids on their knees.

Sorry....I was generalising there and shouldn't have

OP posts:
GoEasyLove · 05/09/2025 18:40

He sounds rude.

Would you put up with that treatment by a friend.

Original poster
VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 19:16

@GoEasyLove Not normally no but just upping and leaving like that definitely was.
I would expect to be considered in any planning of time that involved ud both and was left speechless at the ease with which he planned and carried out his intentions.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 05/09/2025 20:12

VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 19:16

@GoEasyLove Not normally no but just upping and leaving like that definitely was.
I would expect to be considered in any planning of time that involved ud both and was left speechless at the ease with which he planned and carried out his intentions.

He managed it easily, because he's well practised.
You say he has wonderful qualities, but not sufficient for the relationship to continue smoothly over the 4 years. Presumably you've been on and off because there has been misconduct of some kind?
The more he gets away with, the more he's comfortable disrespecting you.

Original poster
VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 20:26

@Dweetfidilove yes you are correct. Most of our tension arose from lack of time together but he always seemed to have time for his own interests. Lately though I have seen glimpses of rudeness and more and more disrespect creeping in. He frames everything as my fault so yes I'm embarrassed to admit I have chosen it not changed it.

OP posts:
MsSmartShoes · 05/09/2025 20:28

He’s a man toddler and intrinsically selfish. You know this.

LlynTegid · 05/09/2025 20:59

It is time to go.

MeTooOverHere · 05/09/2025 22:21

FreeRider · 05/09/2025 16:54

Well I definitely wouldn't be going on holiday with him - any chance of cancelling and getting a refund/changing the name to a friend and going with them instead?

As you've not heard from him in 5 days I'd guess he's doing the 'don't talk to her for a few days, she'll be so grateful when I do that what I did will be forgotten' bollocks that so many men seem to pull. Personally I'd send one less message 'Let's keep this 5 day no contact going, our relationship is over' and then block him on everything.

I wouldn't even do that. Wait and see how long it takes for HIM to contact you and ask about HIS holiday. Just wait and count the days.

THEN send one last message 'Let's keep this _ day no contact going, our relationship is over' and then block him on everything.

Original poster
VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 22:42

@MeTooOverHere I must say my instinct is to wait
As others have said I don't get the whole "let them cool off" and reappear mentality.
Own your shit, man up, make contact and apologise. At least have the maturity and decency to do that. Frustrating.

OP posts:
MeTooOverHere · 05/09/2025 22:47

VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 22:42

@MeTooOverHere I must say my instinct is to wait
As others have said I don't get the whole "let them cool off" and reappear mentality.
Own your shit, man up, make contact and apologise. At least have the maturity and decency to do that. Frustrating.

Yeah see I would play him at his own game, since he is gaming. If he's not gaming, he would have been in touch by now and apologised. Since he hasn't, play the rope out and see how far he goes to hang himself. Count the days and that'll give him the first shock. Dumping him will be the second shock. He's no great catch, see just how bad a catch he is.

Original poster
VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 22:51

@MeTooOverHere I'd say his limp "sorry for going to the football" was his idea of an apology. As you say im in no hurry to make contact with him. Too bad some adults think this is acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:
vegetarianlouise · 05/09/2025 22:59

An on and off relationship is a toxic relationship, if it was healthy you wouldn't be on and off. He sounds very disrespectful. You shouldn't be driving one hour to see this man because he's taking you for granted. Let him drive to you.

Original poster
VictoriaLynn · 05/09/2025 23:10

@vegetarianlouise i agree. I used to wonder was I the problem because I'm quite direct but not rude in my approach so I'd call out disrespect/bad behaviour when it happened. I'm seeing more clearly as I get older that many people don't want to be accountable and would rather move on than put in any work to address issues.
I just need to be strong enough now to draw a line under this one.

OP posts:
mbonfield · 06/09/2025 15:11

From experience pre marriage I went on holiday with my then girlfriend and she had shown red flags prior to the holiday which I chose to ignore.

3 days into the holiday out of 2 weeks its over and for the rest of holiday it was difficult to say the least. There were 4 other friends on holiday as well as it was very difficult.

My advice do not go and seek a refund or go with a friend.

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