Couples counselling ethics question

[NorthernDancer]

My DD and her DH were having couples counselling, individual and joint sessions, on and off over a period of years, in an effort to save their marriage. It ultimately failed and my SIL pulled the plug about a month ago. It seems likely that he has chosen to do this now because he has somebody else in mind, but there was no warning and my DD is absolutely bereft.

One thing that does not seem to be helping is the continued involvement of this counsellor, who is now advising them both separately in a situation where the relationship is over and they have very differing views on what should happen next.

I am afraid that this is unethical and if either of them feels they need that sort of support, it should come from separate counsellors.

Can anyone advise please? Thank you.

I agree that this could be problematic. Maybe it would make sense for your DD to change to a different counsellor?

Couples counsellor here.
There is no black and white answer to whether this is ethical or not.
It depends entirely on the scope of these sessions and the position of the counsellor. I don't know this counsellor, but here are a few reasons why it could be the right choice to stay involved.

Sometimes when two people have a strong therapeutic bond with a counsellor it can be incredibly damaging when that counsellor just stops all collaboration, especially right after an already emotional event such as a separation.
So to assume that this counsellor, who has known them for years and has been hopefully a positive and dependable person for years, should just abandon them now, is actually the most unethical thing to do.

Sometimes a couples counsellor is there to work towards keeping the relationship together, but sometimes they can be equally valuable as someone who helps them transition to a separation as smoothely as possible. Whenever one of my couples break up - especially when it happens mid session - I don't just think "oh well, mission failed. I'm done here". I offer to stay on and help them separate cordially and peacefully. Which is also something I already lay out in the first sessions I have with new couples.

However, it can be unethical if the counsellor is now acting as the individual counsellor of two people that used to be a couple. That could be a conflict of interest. However, if the counsellor has talked this through with his clients, they are both aware and have agreed to this situation, and the counsellor is able to maintain his unbiased stance, there's not much that can be done.

The way I help myself decide what the best course of action is in these situations - I've been there myself - is to ask myself who I'm serving in these sessions.
As a couples counsellor, my client is not person A or person B. My client is their relationship. And whatever I do as a couples counsellor should serve their relationship, even if that means they need to break up to salvage what they can.
So even as a couples counsellor, I could have individual sessions with my clients if that's something that benefits the relationship.
So in this case, if individual sessions helps them work towards better understanding and better, more constructive communication, then the counsellor is doing their job.
However, as soon as these individual sessions are focussed on working towards their individual goals, then yes, the counsellor should probably talk to them about going a different route.

OP, I think you’re confused about the role of a counsellor, which isn’t ‘advice’. Advice on the divorce process will come from a lawyer.

I broadly agree with @Girlmom35‘s take on it, especially if both of them have previously seen their couples counsellor for separate sessions. I imagine the counsellor, if s/he is behaving professionally, is working towards one or both moving on to see a different counsellor.

@Pissenlit it does rather feel as if she is now 'advising'. She's certainly just advised SIL to move out, massively increasing DD's distress

Is she seeing them separately as well as together? Is she their personal therapist too?

he has told her that’s what the counsellor advised. It doesn’t mean that is what she said.

That must be third-hand information? You can't take everything your SIL (or your daughter) says as gospel.

I think you need to step back as you're too involved here. The counsellor and her ethics are nothing to do with you, your role is just to support your daughter.

Why is the counsellor still involved at all? The “couples counselling” obviously didn’t work. I assume the counsellor is taking payment for their “services”. It sounds very unethical to me.

Has she advised him or has she followed his lead when he potentially expressed this is where his head is at? I’m also trying to figure out why that is bad advice - you mentioned it fell apart but it seems he has someone else. So in this situation it is more natural for him to leave the marital home and not the other way round. Would you rather she advised your DD to move out?

A large proportion of couples counsellors are complete charlatans- unqualified and unregulated. I'd encourage your DD to find her own qualified therapist.

Respectfully, it may feel like she's advising, when actually she may just be encouraging your SIL to do what's best for him.

I understand that you must be very concerned for your daughter, but people aren't wrong for making choices according to their needs, even when your daughter doesn't like it.

But how does your daughter know what the counsellor is telling her ex in separate sessions? And bluntly, if he wants a divorce and your daughter doesn’t, nothing is going to diminish her distress.

Is the councellor still being paid.

From a distance it looks like SIL has employed this councillor to ease an affair, separation and finally a divorce through.

Personally in these cases I feel councillors only surpress the emotions of the victim, often doing more damage., narcissists are especially good at manipulating everyone arround them including therapists. How on earth could this be an ethical situation, your daughter must not know who to trust.

Your daughter needs to back away from this councillor, find her own separate one if needs be and find a good lawyer.

No ethical counsellor will take on a couple with an abusive dynamic. They will talk to both people in advance and decline to see them further after an initial session if they think it’s an abusive relationship. You don’t ‘employ’ a counsellor. You see them as you would any therapist. If this couple were seeing this couples counsellor on and off for years, then it seems a fairly safe indication that the marriage has been troubled for a long time and the DH decided to call time on it. It’s desperately sad for the OP’s daughter if she doesn’t want a divorce, but it doesn’t mean the counsellor is at fault.

And of course the counsellor is still being paid if he or she is still seeing both people! Do you do your job for free?

Thank you everyone. I just want to see DD properly supported and I am no longer convinced that this counsellor is the woman for the job. She seems now to be effectively trying to act as a mediator!

She should find her own counsellor.

It's imperative that she should feel safe.

Agree. Also why on earth did they do the counselling for several years? Surely if no improvement or decision to split happened within 6 months, you’d stop.

I’m confused - how is your SiL involved in your DD’s marriage counselling?

SIL=son in law

Okay I understand now thank you!