Female friendships changing how I think about being single

[notsomarvelousmrsmaisel]

I've just had a really hard few months – burnout, health issues, a difficult move to a new part of the country after a breakup.

And my female friends have just blown me away. Calls and texts every day to check in or take my mind off things by nattering about nonsense, little surprise gifts landing on my doormat, one drove three hours each way, at night, to come and spend 48 hours helping me move.

I've become friends with one of my neighbours, and the other day I was at their flat when their sister popped round for a cuppa. We talked a bit about what I'd been going through, and yesterday my neighbour knocked on my door with a little gift for me from her sister, who I've only met once, and a card saying she understands how rough burnout can be, and sending her love and support. It was just a funny little cross-stitch kit with a David Bowie quote on it, meant to help me quiet my mind by doing something with my hands. Blew my mind how thoughtful and kind it was from an almost-stranger.

I've felt so loved, and so well-supported – and as someone who's chronically independent and 'don't-need-anyone', I'm feeling something quite fundamental shift in my world-view.

I've been very put off romantic relationships with men recently, and a bit sad for myself about the prospect of staying long-term single because of it.

But I've realised that actually my female friendships give me so much of the closeness and love and support I need (minus the physical side, of course). Intelligent conversation, emotional intimacy, practical support, thoughtful actions... I feel so much less worried about being 'on my own' now that I've finally realised I'm not😅Only took me nearly 40 years!

I know it's not entirely a sex-based phenomenon and many men have this kind of platonic love and care with their friends to varying degrees, but I don't see nearly as much of, or to the same depth as amongst women. My last two relationships I felt under so much pressure to provide everything to my partners because they didn't have this kind of network of support – it was just me.

Anyone else reached this realisation (perhaps quite late in life), that female friendships are just flipping amazing?

I’ve been single from ages 30-45 so yes I would say 100% my female friendships have absolutely rocked and been incredible

Well, I’ve always known it. And relationships work best when they’re not your sole source of support/love/fun. I would never enter into a relationship with a friendless man. I don’t want to be anyone’s sole social life/conduit to the world.

(Though my male friends, while fewer in number, are equally important to me, and have been there in a crisis.)

They can be, and I'm glad you've got such a lovely network of friends (and relative strangers!). Sounds like you've really landed on your feet.

I haven't experienced this level of friendship support, but what I did learn when on my own was to develop a friendship with myself, i.e. thinking about what I would like next, instead of being alert to whatever someone else might need. Turning the focus of care onto myself improved my quality of life in countless ways, including income!

Re the sex, I think its absence gets more "so what?" as you get older and the hormones stop racing. (Not at your age, though! 😉)

Completely agree -I’ve always had good female friendships tho’ difficult when kids were small/busy job etc, but since my divorce I’ ve made even more effort to nurture my friendshios and I cherish them.
I’ ve never been close to family (nothing dramatic, just not much in common) and never understood how people see their mum every day, confide in her etc as I feel much closer to friends and more comfortable sharing with them.
I continue to meet new people everywhere /met someone in a pub last year who lives nearby and we have s really good friend ship.
I do have a boyfriend too, who I adore, but that does not replace the cosiness of female friendships.

My friend is a palliative care nurse and she said it’s always the woman’s friends that are sitting by her side at the end. Family and kids come and go but friends are there.

I haven't experienced female friendships like you describe and I've also found that female friends can be just as unreliable as men.

Possibly I'm not very attractive as a friend, or do something wrong that puts people off me.

I completely agree with you OP. I started a book club 10+ years ago simply to meet up with women friends without men being involved or taken into consideration. Over that time, these friendships, and many others with women, have proved to be the best, most fun, relaxed and supportive friendships ever

This realisation you've had, is why the happiest people in the world are single women.
There's a whole bunch of research being done on the topic lately.
Men generally don't have friendships like these, so when men become single they feel incredibly lonely and miserable. Whereas women who become single aren't at all lonely, plus they don't have to deal with the hassle of doing all the emotional and mental labour in a relationship.

Oh gosh, this has choked me up a bit. What an amazing thing to learn.

I'm not single but if there's one thing I've learned as I've got older is that my female friends are worth their weight in gold ❤️ they have helped me through the hardest times of my life and I would go to the ends of the earth for them too. When I was young I put far too much emphasis on attracting men - now I'm far happier in the company of women (apart from my DH and sons!)