Overbearing sister in law .

[Brunhildafair]

My single sister-in-law ( in her 50’s) is trying to take over my daughter who is almost 8 . She rings her every evening, spoils her with unnecessary gifts makes plans ahead without consulting us . Literally trying to take over our lives . Allows her to do exactly as she wants and then she cries if we try and discipline her .
She will turn up most Friday evenings and stay until Sunday ( totally uninvited) , having masterminded a series of treats and outings for the weekend .She lives for my daughter and considers them to be best friends and spends all her time with her . We don’t get a look in !

My husband is a peacemaker, and is close to his sister and doesn’t really see how manipulative this is becoming .
She lives alone , lost her mother ( my mother-in law) 18 months ago and has few friends and no social life .
My husband and l both have demanding jobs and really would enjoy a few quiet weekends !
How on earth do l tackle this without a huge fallout within the family ?
l know that l should have drawn some lines a long time ago , but l’m now ready to try and get my life back !
Any suggestions how to handle this ?

You need to talk very firmly to your DH that you are not putting up with SiL in your home every single weekend. If I were you I would tell him clearly that she is spoiling your DD and it has to stop. She comes once a month for the day. No more. DH can go out with her at other times if he wants to.

No one made plans for my DC without consulting us, and I would not dream of doing that with my DNs. Tell DH he stops this now or you will, and it won’t be pretty. I am your SIL’s age and although it is sad that she has lost her DM she does not get to fill her weekends by taking over your child.

If he fails to go this, I would simply obstruct her activities. Take your DD swimming etc and tell SIL this is precious mum & daughter time. Then take her out for a treat/lunch, and off to the park and home at 4. I would be absolutely ruthless about this.

I would put a stop to this and let her know she’s not welcome round every weekend and certainly not allowed to spoil your 8 year old. I wouldn’t care about upsetting, you need to set firm boundaries.

It's tricky because your DH and SIL are grieving for their DM but you need to make your DH see this from your side. Your SIL doesn't have other family but she shouldn't feel entitled to visit every weekend uninvited, nor to take over your DD. I'd speak openly to your DH, tell him his DSis can only come to stay every few weeks. His DSis needs to find a life of her own or you'll end up with 3 people in your marriage

It is very unusual for anyone to have to entertain their sister in law all weekend, every weekend. Is your husband soft? He sounds soft.

Make your statement. It is fine to want weekends in your own home without your sil. Space...it's a thing. Bloody hell. x

You want a quiet weekend why not enjoy the free babysitter? But let her know which weekends your dd is available

Ps you taught quite nastily using pretty derogatory language as if the auntie is actively trying to piss you off and upset you.

‘Manipulative’ hmmm not sure

@Brunhildafair i think calling your husband a peacemaker is nice fluffy language avoiding what’s really happening - which is him avoiding having to do anything about a worsening situation and despite knowing his wife is unhappy he’d rather ignore your feelings and prioritise his sisters emotions over yours.

Id explain to your husband that weekends are for your family unit to enjoy and time with his sister can be arranged in advance occasionally.

are you in a position to go off with your daughter somewhere at weekends without them you DH and SiL and spend some mother daughter time if your husband doesn’t take you seriously? Got friends or family you can visit?

perhaps if your husband doesn’t get time with you or his daughter and is left alone to deal with his sister he might have to deal with things.

how’s your daughter meant to get and maintain healthy friendships with children her own age and go to activities with peers outside of your SIL monopolising her spare time.

Id explain to DH that he would benefit from some therapy to deal with grief, family dynamics and boundaries. That or couples counselling to find agreement and harmony in presenting a united front.

every time sil breezes in with plans - I’m sorry that doesn’t work for us - and just walk out the door with DC.

We've been there but with another close family member. Get out the house at weekends - it's the only way. I used to get out the house all the time just so that the relative did not come. Honestly - we were out all day. From morning till late and the kids loved it and so did we. Looking back now, they were the best times. The kids are in their 20s now and we were going non-stop to the zoo, parks, water parks, the beach, other people's houses who had kids, literally everywhere. House was often a tip but I didn't care. But you have a DH problem not a SIL problem. And get the kid off the phone with her, encourage your DD to speak to children her age.

Tell your SIL you can’t make plans with her because you are busy and have various things on, she doesn’t need to know some of those plans include quiet evenings at home.

Then go out a lot during the period of time she usually visits, invite someone else to stay in the room she typically sleeps in or arrange for your daughter to have some sleepovers. Stop answering the door and start being far firmer.

This is way too much. Your DH needs to tell her that she can come every 4wks at most; as you want some family time. She needs to take up some hobbies, she is intruding on your time with your DD and that’s not ok.

Thank you all for your responses to my problem.
l am aware that l need to have a frank discussion with my husband . I don’t feel any ill will towards my sister-in-law , she is a kind person, but seems to almost obsessive over my DD ,which in my opinion is not healthy situation .
There are other close family members that she sees, so she is not totally on her own. l would just like her to see a bit less of us !!

OP, let's be clear.
You don't have a SIL-problem
You have a husband problem

These boundaries should have been in place years ago, and they should have been put there by your husband.
You're right to think this is over the top and quite damaging. Your daughter needs to be raised by her parents according to your values. Your SIL is making that impossible. But it's your husbands lack of actions which are allowing this to continue.

You are mad to hand over your child to a person who chose to have nothing.

" I don’t feel any ill will towards my sister-in-law , she is a kind person, but seems to almost obsessive over my DD ,which in my opinion is not healthy situation".

Why did you describe your sister in law as kind?. Her overbearing behaviour is not kind. You've let a lot of things go on here re her and that has cost you in that your boundaries towards her have become skewed. And as for having a chat with your H apart from that being long overdue he will likely say, "well you know what she is like" re his sister. She's always been like this and he will regard that from her as normal.

Your child is too young to realise she is being manipulated and she needs you both as her parents to guide her. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive. She is trying to steal your child's heart and mind from under your very noses.

How is she getting into your home each Friday?. Who is letting her in?. Stop answering the door to her. And your DH is a bystander here, not a peacemaker.

This is unhealthy for all of you.

It’s really not healthy for your child though.

I don’t understand how you have allowed this. You are a parent - put your child first, and sort this out.

I would be putting a stop to the phone calls every night for a start.

A parental figure who allows your child to do what she wants in opposition to her parents wishes is going to absolute fuck her up - just look forward to the teenage years? This is ticking time bomb.

Your daughter should not be set up as an emotional prop for her 50 something Auntie. She is not a puppy.

You need to start parenting right bloody now.

Adult tantrums are not important, your child’s welfare comes first.

It's really rude of your SIL to just turn up every Friday night and stay for the whole weekend. Does your DH enjoy her company or is he worried about her reaction if he tells her that she can't just spend every weekend in your home without an invitation?

You need to put your foot down about her staying. If she does just turn up, take your DD to visit your family, leaving your SIL with your husband.

She is spoiling your daughter and making it really difficult for you to set boundaries if SIL lets her have her own way all the time.

Thankfully we were able to stamp this out before MIL passed away with our similar situation SIL.

I spoke to DH, he spoke to his sister who it turned out does not do well with being told “no” and the relationships have never recovered.

Ultimately though speaking to her has been better than trying to manage each single interaction delicately because it would have been endlessly exhausting pushing back.

@Brunhildafair
You have to take back control
Just say you've got plans weekend-wise whilst
DH grows a pair and tell SIL that niece isn't hers
Or mum not so nicely will
As you want time with your child
It will cause bad feeling
And claims of desertion/abandonment
So stick to your guns
The turning up every weekend bearing gifts??
Overbearing and not a good look
You can't buy love

@GreyBeeplus3this thread is from Sept

@HortiGal
Still entitled to my opinion though
Do you know how things now actually are for Brunhildafair and family??

This habit of your SIL’s has become and becoming ever more entrenched. Words are needed asap. Good luck, you are going to hurt her and that in turn won’t be pleasant, but she must be made aware of your boundaries.

Oops should have checked the date!