Has anyone said anything about your kids that played with your mind?

[fateisdestined2025]

When my daughter was 2 my sister after meeting her friends kids said her friends son talks so much . Why doesn’t mine talk as much? All kids are different and I wasn’t concerned at all. As health visitor and nursery teacher aswell as swimming instructor weren’t concerned. Swimming instructor said to me she only warmed up to her after building trust with her.

now that she’s 4 I took her to a friends house and my daughter whose quite playful was asked if she wanted a cupcake and she said yes followed by some funny noises which does when she’s joking…she texts me to say not to be rude has she got a speech delay? I text her back saying no I’ve never been told that by any health professional but because she’s gone to a private nursery (where it more play focused) she’s a bit younger and also she slightly went a bit quiet when her baby sister who is now 2 was born. My eldest was a bit more mature by this age had gone to a school nursery. She replied back saying thank God I’m not sending my kid to this nursery and thank god I’ve never sent any of my kids nursery. 0-3 is where they learn the most important skills and not just play. You can play at home. You don’t need a nursery to babysit kids when you can do it at home. I was so upset and angry and just ended the conversation politely. But I felt awful her saying all this. She’s currently pregnant with her 4th so didn’t want to stress her by arguing but how rude! You met my daughter for 15 mins and she doesn’t talk to you as you’re a stranger…how rude…

honest never had any health professional say she’s had a speech delay…it hadn’t even crossed my mind…

Quite frankly she's just not a very nice person

I would have said something back to her

I wish I could have thought of something to say on the spot but I was shocked…what would you have said?

Never mind all of the nursery stuff, I would never message someone to bluntly ask if their child has a speech delay, who does that? My friends little girls stutters a tiny bit but I've never even thought to mention it! How rude. My DS is a late talker, but he recently went from babbling to full sentences, whenever anyone asks if he was talking yet I just said "nope not yet, he'll do it when he's ready" and moved the conversation on x

So your sister said your DD might have a speech delay at 2 and then a friend said the same thing when DD was 4 followed by an odd rant about nurseries being dreadful?

I have a speech delayed DS who’s just turned 4 and I remember the all the comments and comparisons when he was younger all too well. In my case DS was obviously speech delayed so the question was more over whether he might be autistic instead but the comments have stayed with me. You know your own child best and its always worth looking critically at the situation as to whether your DD’s speech and behaviour is unusual for her age. That said, your “friend” behaved dreadfully and it sounds as though her rant was mostly to justify her own children’s upbringing.

I don't think it's rude at all to ask if they have a delay, a lot of children do, especially those born in the pandemic. I have a DD with disabilities and early intervention is key. Some parents don't pick up on these things (how many threads have there been about nursery flagging a child and the mum is livid/says there is no problem) and I always ask people casually if they are concerned about speech/motor skills if I feel they seem behind. I literally know expected milestones to the very month for SALT/OT/PT. A child not meeting average targets is not a reflection on the parenting, or a slight against the child! Friend was totally unreasonable to talk badly about nursery.
Edit: yes having a child with disabilities comes with many comments, most of which go straight over me now. You learn to have a thick skin.

This I totally understand, but you've just said you would ask casually, would you text just outright saying it? "Is your child delayed?" X

@verybighouseinthecountryjust looking into it and personal experience I wouldn’t ask someone if their child had speech delay ‘if I feel they seem behind’ because you don’t know if a child is behind unless you’re a professional. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it’s not. You can have all the skin thin you want but sometimes rudeness can’t be excused.

*thick skin

However, there are also kids that just take longer to reach certain milestones than others. It’s not always indicative of a problem or needing early intervention. I do think it’s rude to suggest a child might be delayed especially if you don’t know the child or their parents particularly well. The parents will be acutely aware in the majority of cases and will not want to discuss their child’s medical issues with someone they don’t know very well.

I would like to think that nursery would have told you if they believed there was a speech delay. Do you have other four-year-olds you can compare her to? Friends/family?

I think the rude part is criticising your choice of nursery; that’s really out of order and would have made me so angry! Suggesting a speech delay, however, might have come from a place of genuine concern.

You have to ignore other people and focus on your child.

Prepare a simple answer like 'some days she's more chatty than others' (light tone, smile) and then quickly move the conversation on.

You need to be sure in your mind that she's able to talk appropriately with you and with other people she knows - if you have any concerns then pursue them, but if you and school are happy then the views of strangers are not really relevant as they see a tiny snapshot.

It is very rude to ask. It's none of your business. Genuinely unbelievable you feel entitled to ask.

@Zippidydoodahyeah she talks with her peers quite well. Didn’t see anything of concern.

@verycloakanddaggersyes I think it should be kept quite short. That was my mistake.

I'm not asking because I feel entitled it is out of concern. I wouldn't go around asking random strangers, but with a friend I would perhaps ask if they have concerns. Of course all children progress differently, but there is a normal trajectory (according to professionals, not me) and outside of that range is considered a delay. Perhaps as a mum with a disabled child I see this differently, but I'm hyper aware of the age they are expected to be able to do xyz. I know in my dd's playgroup (for DC with moderate to severe issues) loads of parents said they had no concerns as other mums said "my DC weren't speaking until 3" or "they will walk in their own time, they are all different". A few said after they got a diagnosis that their friends/family said they had concerns but were afraid to say anything, and they were really cross about it. Early intervention is key when there is a delay. I don't know why parents feel someone raising a concern is so offensive, the worst thing that can happen is that they are wrong!

OP this woman who texted that to you has no social skills whatsoever! She was incredibly rude to say what she did. So she should worry less about your daughter and worry more about her own inability to communicate with tact and propriety!

And from your description your daughter sounds very sweet 😊

What a rude person she is!

I'd be tempted to text back that children who go to nursery before school adjust much better and are more socialised, teachers can tell very fast which children have been to nursery and which ones need to catch up.

It would only be a temptation, wouldn't do it, but sheesh, with the unpleasant comments she's made she deserves one right back.

OP I am a straight talker by English standards, and I would never EVER send another mother a text like that or ask straight if she is delayed. If the parent wants to part with that info they will do so in their own time. As your daughter is in a nursery setting I am sure if there is a problem you will hear about it or start suspecting something is wrong yourself. The fact that she is chatty to her peers and not to your friend says it all. The woman is a forward, impertinent bore. I would demote her to acquaintance anyway.

firstly , Could you message her back and ask her if she meant to send you this or was it mis- sent voice note or something? She might re-read it with new eyes and cringe a bit.

secondly, I have 5 dc, my first dd talked early and a lot! My next 3 boys didn’t really talk in actual sentences until they were nearly 3. My last dd talked early but pretty much NEVER spoke to people she didn’t know. They would think she was mute, she took a lot of warming up and her teachers were always concerned, she way just shy.
perhaps there’s also an element of your friend feeling she has to justify on some level her choice to have 4 and not send them to nursery? It sounds like you both have quite different life styles, perhaps she would have secretly loved to send her younger ones but couldn’t afford it . She sounds a bit prickly about it.

She was very rude, but you over explained in your reply to her initial question. You didn’t owe her a long justification. She then latched on to your response to continue to be rude.
Speech delays are nothing to do with private nursery versus any other nursery. Children learn through play in any childcare setting until they are in school. The friend was being ignorant there- does she think children in other nurseries are sat down and taught the alphabet like in the olden days? ‘Play’ learning comprises things like phonics in rhyming and songs and marking using paintbrushes as a precursor to writing anyway. It’s not all role play and small world games. Anyway my point is, play is how young children learn the most important skills. So your friend hasn’t paid attention to what her children were actually doing during their day in whichever nursery she sent her kids to (the one attached to school I’m guessing unless she opted out).
fwiw I referred two of my children (both in private nursery) for speech and language therapy at around the age of 2 and a half-3 but it turned out both just had their own schedules and they were fine. They were just quieter…until they hit their teens 😂 I’m sure it’s the same for yours. Maybe make a Health visitor appointment to seek a second opinion, or see a GP.

Dh’s auntie, upon hearing we were co-sleeping with baby dd (our first), told us we were going to kill her. 😂

She is now 12 and very much still alive. But it really bumped my confidence at the time.

It’s fine though, because years later, she did remark how Dh and I did things very differently than how she raised her children but we must have done something right because they are lovely and we seem like very relaxed parents. 🙄 I’ll take it.

Oh and another one, one of my friends (who knew that one of my dc had a lot of health issues at birth, so I ended up stopping bf and switching to formula) made a comment once that she thought babies should be removed from mothers that didn’t breastfeed and put into care because it’s neglect (to be breastfed then by who, I do not know 🤷🏻‍♀️). She knew I really struggled to feed dd and really wanted to bf (bf my other one).

Such a bloody bonkers thing to believe, but also just a really horrible passive aggressive thing to say to your friend. Friend had a lot of hang ups and insecurities about her own parenting and I think it was a way of projecting some of that, but still.

Ignore this person they are rude and a nightmare. Might your daughter have selective mutism? Since a few people have mentioned delay but you haven’t noticed anything perhaps she struggles to talk outside of your home, which would be a classic sign of selective mutism.

@statetrooperstaceyshes on benefits so would have for free childcare from the age of 2 but missed the deadline. Not sure why she would now claim that it was her choice to not send them. Maybe embarrassed.

what about saying to your friend “oh does your DC have one too?”