Boundaries when going LC with in-laws

[ReyRey12]

I have a question for those who are low contact with their in-laws. What types of boundaries do you have, especially if your partner is in regular contact with them? How does it work with children?

I’m LC with in laws. I actively support DH having a relationship and same with DC, but I’ve checked out. For me, after years of repeated and blatant disrespect, they are no longer welcome in our home. The DC spend time at their home and same with DH. I don’t engage with any social time etc.

Thank you for your response. Do you ever attend events for his extended family? Do you talk about them or are they a topic that never gets brought up? How about things like children's celebrations? Do you ever regret being with someone who's family you don't like? Do you wish things would be different?

If they are too toxic/difficult or otherwise batshit for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for the kids too.

He can maintain a relationship with his parents if he wants to but it does not automatically follow that your children or you do so. You do not need to attend events for his extended family. If your parents are nice and are importantly emotionally healthy concentrate on them.It’s not your fault his parents are the ways they are and neither he or you made them that way. Read Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.

It is actually my family that is the problem. My bf can't explain to me the boundaries he needs. The conversation goes nowhere so I'm crowdsourcing. I'm trying to figure out how life would look like. If it is doable and worth it or if my bf would be happier with someone that he could become part of their family. I'm too weak to go LC and I'm trying to figure out if I should find the strength or if they are ok and it is possible to have a relationship and possible for my children to have an extended family.

What are they like and how do you feel personally about the whole situation?

I guess you just see your family with the DC separately and he doesn’t attend any family events and I guess your family don’t come to your house, you see them separately. It’s not a great situation to be in and will cause a lot of aggro no doubt over the years. Would be prefer being with someone whose family he goes on with? I guess so, but it is what it is. If you are not separating then you have to draw the boundary and stick with it.

First:
Your boyfriend needs to be a grown man and communicate his needs to you clearly. I say this respectfully, because I understand he's probably had a lot to deal with from your family. But you have enough on your plate and don't need to be doing the thinking for him. If he needs something, he should find his words and tell you. Do you have a habit of fixing everyone's problems for them?

Second:
You need therapy. You are so deep into your family's toxic dynamic that you can't see clearly what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.
This isn't your fault. When you're raised in a dysfunctional family they don't encourage you to think of your own needs. You only get praised for feeding the toxic dynamic. So you've never really learned to find your strength and your voice. However, you deserve better. Therapy can help you find your voice and teach you to stand up for yourself and for your children. Even if it seems impossible now, you'd be surprised what can happen after a few months.

Good luck. You can do this. 🌸

Is it your parents that are the problem or your bf?

I opened this without background to my situation was because I wanted to get info how others handle their situation. I know that it won't be the same but it is helpful to know how others make it work.

We have managed to make it work thus far but we are talking abut marriage and kids and where to live so we have had to visit this again. Also I saw my best friend and hearing her talk about her in laws and parents (so her husbands in laws) made me jelous and got me thinking.

He is very chill about this and thinks we should cross every bridge when it happens. He's not asking me to think for him, he just doesn't thik it is as big of a deal and is confused why it it stressing me out. Where as I would like to know the guidelines.

I'm not willing to call them toxic. If I listed every terrible thing they've done. They would come across as the worst people around. If i told every nice thing, they'd be saints. Truth is somewhere in the middle. I feel torn. He has a reason to be upset with them and I am upset with them on his behalf. I can't defend them or say that bf might be a slight contributor without being the partner in "you have a partner problem".

I leave everything related to his family to DH.
My Dc are old enough to make their own decisions but they do sometimes visit with DH if he asks them to, I don't.

So growing up grandparents were not invited to their birthday parties? Your husband goes to his cousins wedding solo? Children graduate and grandparents are not invited? Do they feel about you the same way as you feel about them? So everyone is just "fine" with it?

We are actually both LC with my in laws, so slightly different in that we are in agreement but in our situation I left that up to my husband- I’d have had no issue with him continuing a relationship with them if he wanted to, I totally understand they are his parents and so it is different for him.

That said though, in our situation, for the same reasons I was going LC with them, that would apply to my children. My husband could absolutely go round but me and my children would not be, they would not be invited to birthdays, they will not be at my children’s graduation- they are strangers to my DC because of their own behaviour. Wider family is different, we have a lovely relationship with DH’s uncle, cousins, grandparents, they are absolutely not all guilty by association, so we all still see those people and honestly have a lot of time for all of them.

If your partner doesn't think it's a big deal then try not to stress about it. Follow his lead and play it by ear.

Unless they are abusive and things escalate into violence or arguments when you are all together I would just visit them less often, have them visit you less often. Live somewhere that your not on each other's doorsteps to deter them popping in but also close enough that you don't have to do an overnight to see them.

If your partner is doesn't want to see them at all then you just choose to see them as and when it suits with your DC, and for how long. I went no contact with my MIL but a few years down the line we all managed to attend my SIL wedding and pretty much ignored each other by mingling with different groups at different times and keeping out each other's way.

DH would take the kids to visit for birthdays and Christmas etc but she was never invited to join our celebrations. DH didn't enjoy her company much so he was quite low contact.

So I was what I would consider NC with MIL for a number of years (still NC with her partner). The way we approached it was Dh was free to have whatever relationship he wanted to have with her. This amounted to the occasional phone call or message and maybe meeting her for coffee or lunch every 6-12 months. They weren’t LC, this was just about the relationship they could sustain. We have a perfectly normal relationship with her now and Dh would absolutely never meet her for coffee on his own or speak to her on the phone unless someone was dying!

I had no contact with her whatsoever and nor did our children. The reason for the rift was due to safeguarding issues related to our dc. I did not message her, visit her, she wasn’t welcome in our home, she could not have any contact with our dc.

Personally, I’m a strong believer that if someone is too dysfunctional to have a relationship with as a grownup, there is no way they should be in my children’s lives. The buck stops with me. They are my first priority and I don’t play happy families to their detriment.

We do now have a relatively normal relationship with MIL (as normal as it gets in dh’s family 😂), though NC with her partner. I set expectations that MIL needed to get some therapy and needed to come clean about her issues, which she eventually did after several years. She has only supervised contact with our dc though.

Thank you! Im trying really hard not to stress. But it is a bit hard to go with the flow when i don't undertand the flow. We were looking at houses 3h flight away from my hometown (where he has lived) and the talk about wether we need a guest room was another trigger for the conversation. And then it escalated (positively) to other life events and here we are 😃

@ReyRey12we don’t have to attend events for extended family as my DH family is so small, but I would if it meant we travel separately and plenty of people are there. We do talk about them yes, but not overly so, more so if they come up in conversation and I’m careful not to be unkind, I’m always indifferent tbh. No I don’t regret being with my DH in spite of all the trouble his family has caused. He’s an incredible man and husband. I do regret not going LC sooner though

I appreciate answering my questions. Food for thought. I'm so happy you've made it work.

I appreciate this message. While I don't necessarily agree that it is the situation or anyone is toxic. It is worth exploring it and I'll bring it up in counseling and be open to the outcomes, so thank you.