How do you know when it's over?

[FatCatThinCat]

I've been married for 20 years and until a couple of years I thought we were solid. Then it all seemed to fall apart because he was investing too much emotional energy messaging other women. He knocked it all on the head when it came to light and has been trying to rebuild our relationship. I've been through some very serious health stuff and he's been there every step of the way.

But we keep hitting potholes and then all the hurt comes back. He thinks we get stronger each time as he's learning from his mistakes and trying his hardest to be a better husband. But I feel more and more broken and question if I'm only staying because I'm so dependent on him.

This time it was because he's been away for work for 2 days and it was radio silence. Not even a single test message to say 'im really busy, but thinking of you, talk later' or anything. I feel like his backup plan, that when there's someone or something else that's more interesting I get sidelined until there's nothing better for him to do. He insists that's not the case but his actions (or lack of) say otherwise.

Part of me wants out and other part is torn between wanting to keep trying and crying in the corner.

How do you know when it's game over?

I think you need to decide what your boundaries are for you and whether you can tolerate being treated like this. If you can’t, and he won’t change, then you have your answer. Realise your worth!

When you look at your partner and feel nothing.
You still seem to have some feelings for yours though so perhaps some sort of couple therapy? But if he’s making you miserable then ask yourself some tough questions about how you see your future.

He thinks we get stronger each time ?

Does he now?

Yep, and to be fair, he did look genuinely shocked when I said that I don't feel that way and I feel a bit more broken every time.

Now he's trying to fix it. He's been ringing me all day. But he doesn't seem to get that 20 messages when it's convenient doesn't make up for none when isn't.

To me nothing would fix that.

OP - it’s hard to tell anything from one post. How has your marriage been otherwise?
What happened with his messaging to other people in the past - what lead to it?
How is your sex life - historically, and now?
Are there kids still at home?
Are you in peri? (asking because this seems to be the time when women are particularly sensitive, and have a strong urge to change /blow up our lives)

As to the 2 days trip and ‘radio silence’ - i am on the fence. I do not believe that in a relationship/marriage it always HAS to be the man who has to text/call. Maybe in the early courting stage, I’d agree. But not after 20 years. You didn’t text him you have been thinking of him either. Not sure why this has to become a marriage breaking issue…

Generally - long marriages take work. On both sides - not just effort by the man.
You did mention some difficult times where he has been supportive, etc - so at least that is a good sign.

I am divorced after a long marriage, as are a few of my friends. There are positives and negatives of ending a long term relationship. And no marriage/relationship is perfect, and certainly not on a continuous basis.
To me it’s always a balance - IF in your marriage/relationship the negatives outweigh the positives over extended period of time - then maybe it’s time to think about ending it.
But - you need to think it through, and also consider how your life on your own will look - financially and practically.
Ending a long marriage can’t be only an emotional decision.

@jsku it almost sounds as if you are blaming the OP for this situation- she might be in perimenopause, there may be kids at home, there may not be enough sex etc - come on now 🙄

@jamnpancakes 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️
Where did I say anything about blame?
All of the things you list are important considerations and often impact how we feel in relationships - or how we end it.

Peri is a tough period for many of us. And women are often affected without even realising it at tines - this is often the time husbands start to annoy us and we want a new start. I think it’s our version of midlife crisis.

And sometimes - it’s justified and relationship died. Other times - as a few of my friends divorced while in menopausal fog - it was bot great. And only made them more unhappy.

Children - of course it’s important to consider, especially if you are planning an exit. How co-parenting will work, what housing you can provide, Exam times, etc.

As to sex - it’s a cause of a lot of marital issues. No way around it.

It’s not normal for a partner / husband not to call or text their partner. No one can be that busy!

@jsku you have explained yourself more clearly now.

We have an 11 year old child.

I'm post menopause but do know that I am extremely sensitive right now. I had a life changing accident last year that I haven't recovered from. I'm waiting for further surgeries and in a lot of pain. If that weren't enough to cope with, I now have to deal with breast cancer.

@FatCatThinCat

I sorry about your accident and recent diagnosis. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel.

As to you H - i think you are not being fair. You went through something horrific. But it also affected him in a major way. And it sounds like he is really trying. And being supportive to you, and no doubt your child.

Accusing him of treating you like his ‘back-up’ is really unfair. I understand you say these things out of your own pain, and feeling helpless to change anything - but still.

life is hard for you. It is also, really hard for your H - who watched you go through your accident and treatments. And now cancer. It is an enormous responsibility/pressure to support a partner and a child in such circumstances. i can see him needing a little bit of a break - when he went on his trip. So not calling/texting for 2 days is not an end of the world.
And I still say - you could have also just as easily texted him. It’s not all on him.

Are you joking?!!! My DH isn’t the greatest of communicators, but if he worked away for 2 days and didn’t message once I would consider that a major problem.

If I had cancer and other health issues it would be unforgivable.

I hear a lot of truth in @jskuwords. I have a lot to process.

@FatCatThinCat

Please be kind to yourself and focus on what you need to do for her health.
You have a H who, while not being perfect - is trying to do his best. And you have a child that will need his parents for many years still.

Unfortunately - this is the ‘for worse’ phase of the marriage. And your H is there doing his bit. You all are going through it in different ways. The impact on you is the most visible. The impact on your H and child is less so.
You need your family’s support, and try not to make it harder for them.

Have you had access to any counselling to process what happened to you?

'We get stronger and stronger every time'

means

'You get weaker and weaker every time to resist this and one day you will just stop complaining'

I was married for 33yrs, but for the last 10yrs I knew it was over. I would look at him and feel nothing. We became housemates and not husband/wife.

He then, maybe because I was giving him no attention, started trying it on with a woman in his work, and he was sacked (well, he was told to resign). That was the straw that broke the camels back. I helped him find a new job as he couldn't use computers very well and I helped draw up a CV for him .... and once he was settled in the new job, I told him I wanted to leave.

It's been really hard, and I still have feelings for him, but as a good friend. Luckily we have retained a friendship and we have had lunch once since separating and we talk via messenger a few times a month. We sold our home of 20yrs, took 50/50 of the profit ... and walked in different directions.