Partner always checks out other women

[Jaynexxx]

Okay, so I know it’s normal for men to find women attractive and they don’t just stop because they’re in a relationship, but my other half keeps looking when he notices someone attractive. It’s so noticeable and it really bothers me. It’s got to the point where neither one of us wants to go out together because it bothers me and he knows it bothers me. It’s like once he spots someone attractive (which is every where we go - a mam in the park/a young woman in the airport) but it seems excessive and like he’s constantly on the look out and then fixates on them. But to him it’s just a me problem. He says he has eyes and is allowed to look. I get that, but do it respectfully. He also thinks it’s fine to check out a woman’s ass if it looks good and it’s in his vision. But I find it hurtful and disrespectful. Surely he should divert his attention like I see so many other men do ? What are your views?

I've never once noticed my DP obviously check another woman out. I am sure he notices attractive women but he has enough self control to glance and not stare. I'd find this a bit pathetic to be honest.

You agree that he has eyes and is allowed to look, so, how does he do that respectfully?

There’s a difference between double taking at a beautiful woman, and glaring at a beautiful woman. If he’s doing the latter then it won’t be only you that’s feeling uncomfortable.

I don’t think it’s wrong to look, but I would find it quite embarrassing if my DH was staring and salivating at women in a way that is noticeable to others.

Because he complains to them if ever I speak out or go in a mood over it. I usually go quiet and he knows somethings wrong, so then picks and picks to know what it is, when he already knows fine well what has bothered me. I usually go quiet instead of speaking out because I get shot down every time. He tells them I ruined a night out or ruined a holiday because I got upset over it, but it’s never his behaviour that’s at fault

Thank you. I suppose I know this already.
I find heartbreak very difficult to cope with and I also have my child to think about and possibly losing the family home. I’m weighing things up .

A couple of examples:

Trip to the park with our child - he spots one or two attractive women - but keeps looking back and forth at them the whole time. Not just a continuous stare but more that he looks a little too often.

In the airport, spots an attractive woman when he’s about to sit down, and hovers mid air for 5 seconds, when he realises she’s looking his way so they can lock eyes.

Sat in a car waiting for me to come out of a shop, and doesn’t see me on my way back, while he is staring at someone pretty who looks maybe 18 with her mother, stares at her the whole time walking around passed the car

Is this normal behaviour?

Another example, spots an attractive woman in the shop, and tries to make eyes with her while we are walking around the shop, by gazing at her at any opportunity

Look - your life and your happiness is what you make it.

I think you are extra sensitive to him looking at other women because deep inside you fear that his lack of sex drive is because you are lacking somehow - not his type? boobs too small/big; etc. Women often torture themselves this way.
In reality - his libido has little to do with the way you look.

And given that you are the one who is not getting enough sex - I am surprised you are not checking out hot guys and pointing them out to him.

Mismatched sex drives are hard in a relationship, And especially when it’s men’s that’s low. Men are supposed to always be up for it. And women often define their self-worth by their men’s desire.
And - when like in your case, there are issues with libido - women torture themselves.

Has the sex been an issue from the start of the relationship?

I've had both kinds of partner, leerer and non-leerer, and my god the difference is like night and day.

The leerers were always quick to turn it back on me - you're being paranoid / needy / controlling / uptight / I wouldn't mind if you did it.... blah-di-blah. So not only do you feel hurt by their actions, you're made to feel pathetic. I should add that both leerers went on to have affairs or pseudo-affairs.

It seems a small thing to be worried about, but for me now it's a red flag. At best, it's one of those relationship things where you both need to have the same attitude, so one doesn't have the upper hand.

Having at last met someone who isn't like that, the relationship is much more trusting and affectionate, and years later I still fancy him! You don't realise at the time how much of a turn-off it is to have your partner ogle other women.

I wouldn't trust a man who behaves like this.

Don't let yourself be gaslit into thinking it's normal decent behaviour - it isn't. It's incredibly disrespectful and does absolutely nothing to foster loyalty and trust. Both of those things are earned.

No, these examples - and especially this one - are absolutely not OK. He is forcing eye contact on a woman. It's not just really disrespectful to you, many women would find this fucking threatening and would call it harassment.

How do the women react to him when he does this? And how does he react after? I assume they notice if he’s leering as much as you say

I think all us men can be guilty of glancing and even looking more than we should (sometimes). I know I have at times in the past.

BUT if he’s been made aware of him overdoing it (which those examples you’ve given are) then I would expect him to rein it in (especially when out with you).

Yes of course both men and women can see if other people are attractive even when in a relationship. But it is not acceptable to ogle every attractive person they see, that's disrespectful not only to you but the person he's leering at. If it's so much of an issue that you don't even want to be out with him then is this relationship even worth it?

Yes I agree with your comments. I am extra sensitive to it because he doesn't show signs of finding me attractive and his lack of desire for sex or intimacy with me, all play a part.
Yes, from the start of the relationship I’ve always wanted sex more than him. He rarely initiates it and when he does, which is rare these days, but when he used to, it was more to tick a box and say he’s fulfilled his duties.
It’s becoming even less frequent. It’s fine to go 3 weeks and beyond now without sex, and this is after I’ve tried to talk about it and he knows how I feel.

Well we own a home together and have a child together who I’m trying to protect from facing heart ache and trauma from us breaking up. I’d have to start my life all over again too in terms of finding a new home etc, and none of it’s easy. It’s get difficult. But he definitely doesn’t give me the respect I deserve.

I think they either don’t notice or pretend not to notice, and some of them seem to like it. He’s a good looking man so some of them look flattered.

That’s what I think too. Clearly I’m not in my own then since so many of you agree. Not just ‘insecure’ like he likes to call me

He’s not just looking, he’s doing everything in his power to make them notice him.

Yikes.

He’s awful, OP. I’m not surprised your self esteem is in tatters either this, the way he talks to you and his lack of interest in sex with you.

He always had a low drive. And it became less now that you have a child.
This is nothing to do with your attractiveness.

Women imagine men as these machines ways up for it. And if their man is not - conclude there is a problem with their looks.

Men with healthy (normal, etc) sexual drive - will get even hornier when there are beautiful women around. This is why in the summer when women wear more open dresses, etc - men generally become more sexual, their drive goes up.

And then they come home and have sex with wives and partners. Because the ‘horniness’ is there and needs an outlet.

You partner clearly has an issue with libido. He also very clearly does not get any boost from ‘looking’ at the attractive women that you notice.

No amount of just ‘talking’ will do anything here. Telling him that YOU need sex more often than he wants to have sex is - well, pointless in a way. If sexes were swapped - you’d be told to respect your partner and not be a sex pest.

But as on MN men are not allowed to have a low drive - you can suggest he goes to a doctor to check his hormone levels.