How to leave a long term relationship

[parsnip99]

Hi,

I have been with my partner about 27 years. Lovely for maybe the first 6 then we argued about huge things. I'm very unhappy and have been for many years now. I'm living a lie. We have 2 teenagers, one at school one at college. I've stayed until they're older but I had a breakdown in May this year due to bottling everything up so much and pretending all is ok. I have to go now. I'm very lucky in that I've worked hard and can be financially independent. He wouldn't be so much. So my plan is to rent somewhere, set it up then tell him and go. Now it's getting closer I'm getting really scared of the fall out and upsetting everyone. But I also cannot carry on as I am. I want to feel free and feel peace. Then I can be the best mum I can be.
How do I even do this? The practicalities I can sort but telling him, then telling the kids, I just don't know. This is going to be the hardest thing I ever have to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you xx

Hi OP. So sorry you are so unhappy. Honestly is the best policy. There is no better way. To have things sorted regarding practicalities is great indeed.
Do you own the family home? Will it need to be sold?
Will you be able to have the children in the same school or college if you move to a rented property?

If you are leaving your partner and children in a doable position, then what I would suggest is that you tell your DH how you feel. Not that you are leaving, or want a divorce, but how you feel. That you are not happy and it is too much for you to carry on as such. Tell him whether there is any romantic feelings left or not from your side. That you bottle things up.
It gives him a chance to say how he feels about the relationship. If you have not done so before.
What about sending the children to a relative for a night or weekend and talk to your DH after dinner? Would that work?
After a honest chat, then you can decide together whether you would try to reconnect or split amicably.
Do not be scared and do not remain silent. You deserve to be happy OP.

I've done this OP. Twice, sort of. First time, no DC. Walked into an estate agents and ended up buying a house. Due to 'DH' financial abuse, I wasn't on the montage/deeds to our house, so was free. I told him as a fait accompli! We faltered around for a few months then divorced.
Second time, I called quits but had a DC. Neither could afford to move out, so stuck for a few years co-habitating, which were hell.
My advice to you is go for it. Your mental health is at serious risk if you don't. However, the home you are leaving, is it rented or owned? Will you have any legal responsibility for payments?
You need to get your ducks in a row, which I'm sure you are doing. You can't be too hasty when kids are involved. Best of luck to you.

Hi Parsnip.
I am in a very similar situation and have teetered on the edge for a number of years; even thinking to myself that I could get by on essentially an emotionally vacuous relationship for potentially decades ahead.
Only very recently I had the confidence to address that we must go our separate ways and we are now about to sell the house.
There was conflict (something I hate and avoid at all costs) where he got angry and pretty spiteful but now the house is calmer and we are doing what we need to do to live together whilst in the transition period.
in truth I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Life is really too short and despite the cliched sentiment I realised that I’d rather be single for the rest of my days than in a loveless relationship that only existed based on superficial and transactional exchanges.
wishing you strength to get through this.