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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it time to end things?

4 replies

Eastmum · 03/09/2025 09:14

So I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 13 years. We both have one child each then we have one together. (7 yrs)
my partner was married and went through a rough divorce and family court. He states the reason for the marriage ending was due to his mental health/breakdown.

things have been normal I guess, ups and downs. But we both have good jobs, a family home and have worked hard for where we have got.

we currently are at a point of ending everything, he nitpicks on the smallest things the main blow up is that my 21 yr old daughter has been home for the summer due to university breakdown. We agreed she should come home and sort out her next steps, all I asked of her was to get a job to be able to support of own life and we expected her to help out at home/younger sister pick ups etc.
she managed to get a part time job and is starting uni again in September.

however my partner has not stopped going on about her using the washing machine and tumble dryer. Everytime it’s on he says it’s £2.50 and saying she needs to pay for it.

it’s constant ….. everyone taking the piss out of him etc
I firmly believe he has some MH issues that need dealing with, the use of the tumble dryer really isn’t the issue.

I’m at the point now where a decision has to be made as it’s not fair to live like it and a massive argument has forced this on us now.

He has said I don’t listen and unless I charge her £20 he cannot continue
and the house is being sold…. I’m so angry he can be like that

I do not want to be treated like it and feel I should/need to set good examples to my daughters of what is healthy but also don’t want to throw everything away if there are some underlying issues that could be resolved- if he is willing to speak to someone

I have thrown the idea of couples counselling out and waiting for response- I’m gonna suggest it’ll be a no and he won’t pay for it.

most issues are around money

thank you - I feel lost and utterly gutted

OP posts:
Summershutdown · 03/09/2025 13:20

I don't think couples counselling is going to cut it.

I know your daughter is an adult and won't be living at home forever, but at the same time, can you really stand a man who treats her like that?

Does the same apply for his child should they need some support and to come back home?

User2025meow · 03/09/2025 13:51

It sounds like he thinks he’s the financial controller in the household. Has he not been running this by you first for your opinion? Also his previous mental health issues that caused his relationship breakdown - did he seek help or therapy at the time for those issues? Does he seem to look for issues to get angry?

Eastmum · 03/09/2025 14:10

No he never really got help for that.
a few years ago he did a few sessions of online counselling but never spoke about it.

he is always negative about himself and never thinks he/his job is good enough

there are so many great times and experiences then things like this happens and sets everything back

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/09/2025 15:31

It's time for your own ultimatum.

Either he seeks (and follows through) proper help for his MN or it's over. It could be therapy or medication or both but he has to want to fix himself, you cannot do it so just stop trying.

most issues are around money
However, this issue will never change. It is who he is. Can you live with him for the next forty years like this? If not then leave now rather than banging your head on a brick wall.

EDIT
He has said I don’t listen and unless I charge her £20 he cannot continue
and the house is being sold….
Btw that is manipulation and control (abuse) and not MH. Don't confuse the two.

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