He is lying about a bank account.

[Kylie000099]

Long story cut short(ish), my partner of 6 years has faced gamberling addictions in the past.
He had a little relapse over xmas and we got help (we have a 4 year old and rent a property). His relapse before that was a big one (10 thousand pounds of the money I brought into the relationship he spent) this one was raffles here and there...

Anyway, he showed me his bank and eventually he cleared off his debts, we both got councilling and he moved back in.

Couple weekends ago, he blocked his card on accident (forgot his pin due to always using contactless)
And 3 letters were delivered. He wouldnt open them infront of me which gave me a gut feeling that he was lying, it felt like 2 cards had been delivered.

I woke up that morning and they were gone.
I asked him why it felt like 2 cards were delivered he said the bank sent him 2 by accident (said he requested 2 cards as he didnt think the first request went through) I asked him if he was sure they were the same, he said yes and the one he kept had the same number on as his old card and he cut the other card up.

I checked the bin... i found out they were from 2 different banks... one was from nationwide saying "here is your new card" and there was a Lloyd's one saying "welcome" the other letter from Lloyd's was a pin... there was no cut up card.

I didnt say anything as im sat here starting to wonder why hes opened up a new account as I dont check his account anyway? And im confussed.

He brought up in the car that "My new bank account pin they sent me didnt work and im scared to use my old one just incase it blocks it again"
It got my thinking "is he really that stupid and he didn't realize they were sent from different banks but, there is no cup up card. I looked again as it was sending me crazy and they were definitely from 2 different banks. Couldn't find a cup up card but he couldve put it in another bin bag.

I havent confronted him yet, im going to check his wallet to see if the Lloyd's card in is there and if it has the same issue month on it, its time to ask questions.

I have felt there is something wrong for ages but, he always says I'm paranoid and I need to learn to trust him, im trying but its hard.

Im thinking it could be becaise hes saving up for a ring for me? But again, i wouldn't know if he was as i don't check his account.

He works away all week, I cant sleep or eat as I think hes gamberling again, but i have no proof.

Im 34 and hes 38, ive told him if he wants to gamble then that's fine but he wont be with me so, if he wants me he needs to stop being selfish and dragging me down with him. He chose me and ur girl but, here we are again. I dont want to break the family up but I just have a bad feeling about this.... I think the addiction is always going to be there and I want someone I can build with and raise a family with without always living in doubt.

I know when I bring it up, I will be the psycho for going through the bin etc....
Another side of me thinks, he would've burnt the letters as he knows im always on to him and he didnt?
Please could I have your opinions and simular situations?

Sorry about the grammar, ive rush to write it.

I'd want access to his online banking. I wouldn't be able to trust him after gambling 10k of your money away. He's an addict and could easily slip into bad habits again. Usually those calling women physco ect are top gas lighters too!

Leave. You will never be able to trust him. Tbh I can't believe you stayed after he gambled away £10 000 of your money!

OP this will always remain an issue for your DP.

He is actively lying to you, out of choice. That is telling in how he feels about his actions, and you. He has already driven your finances into the danger zone, and it will always be an itch that is needing to be scratched, specially seeing you got out of the red zone financially.

Safe yourself. This is not love that is being delivered here, nor is it respectful. Protect your finances. I hope you do not have shared finances.

Thank you for your replies.

Whwb he relapsed bad before, he got drunk and put his hands on me. This was the first and the last time (he went to counciling and put it down to his gamberling - this was 2 years ago) since December he's been great, hands on, loving and just happy in himself.

Hes struggled for work for a few months and im not sure if he wants to open up a bank account as hes embarrassed and needs an over draft (i refuse to borrow him money anymore) but then again, we are meant to be a team, why doesnt he just tell me instead of lying as id support him and he knows this because ive put up with so much in the past.

Im scared to confront him, my ex was very controlling and I didn't leave until there were no feelings left and then that burning feeling went away. I know im a mother and I have a child to think about but I just dont know what to do for the best as I know he'll turn nasty towards me like he did last time (shutting me down, being stern etc) i feel embarrassed that ive gotten here, I always thought 'id never be one of those girls'

So many red flags.

You are lending him money. More like you are handing out money to him knowing you may not get it back. He has laid hands on you, assaulting you. Then its all ok because he said his apologies and was able to provide an excuse for it.

I mean, sure, he may be the only one on this planet that will stop any form of abuse after doing it this one time only. I can tell you, if you dare say no to him when things get tough again, he will now know that seeing you have forgiven all this in the past, you sure as heck will again. He has you where he needs you.

being embarrassed for getting into this position is only you if you continue to allow it to happen, to allow him to treat you like a cashpoint.

Stop abandoning your childs needs and your own by allowing him to just walk all over you. He is treating you exactly how he feels about you, and its not love. It may sound like it when he is doing good, but you are already digging up evidence, bank account, you are already scathed from his last brutal money grab, and whatever name he will put on his excuses to continue, only you can stop it, and being afraid, that means you need to take action with the right people, police to log any assaults, woman's aid to guide you further, and stick up for you and your child.

You did so well coming on here to ask for help, you did the right thing there, you got this, you know you do, you also know that this is all so very, very wrong what he is doing. He has conditioned you into believing that its ok and normal. Its not. Hugs.

He’s gambled 10k of your money and is now lying about bank accounts.

he’d be gone, when dh and I got together I said, no lying, no debt and no cheating as these are things I wouldn’t tolerate.

You are a mother with a child so your responsibility is to your child as well as you.

You and he are over and the two of you need to be apart permanently.

You’re letting both yourself and your child down by at all being with this man who has not changed. He has and will continue to drag you both down with him. You’ve already seen 10k slip through his fingers so how much more are you prepared to lose financially?, And that is only what you know about, there is likely to be a lot more too you do not know. He will likely end up both bankrupt and penniless and he’ll be happy to drag you there too. How many more red flags are you going to minimise re his violence and the bank cards?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your parents behave similarly?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do not continue to stay with him
for the supposed sake of your child.

You’ve gone from one abuser to yet another and he is no role model for your daughter. How would you feel if she had a relationship like this?. Stop showing her this is acceptable to you. This relationship is not working and will never work out either due to both his gambling and his putting his hands on you. He could have easily killed you that day and you remain at high risk of being physically harmed.

Its just going to get worse. Do not marry this man, leave him or ask him to leave.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. He’s broken up this family by his actions.

Sorry to be blunt OP but he won't change, you'll live like this for as long as you are with him. Dump his sorry arse and stop having to be gaslighted be someone you will never be able to trust.

You use the word “we” when talking about his problems. “We got counselling”.

Yes, I got counciling through a gamberling program for those who are affected by other people's gamberling addictions. It helped me loads to see the signs and understand that it wasnt my fault. I think eventually ive unpicked what I learnt and hes got back into my head.

Why would another person spending £10,000 of your money ever be your fault?

The way you said we. As if you are somehow to blame.

Update *, (as no one really leaves them and theyre helpful for people in similar situations)

Confronted him and I was in the wrong for going through the bins, I didnt back down, I said no, your actions and lies have lead to me to go through the bin, I wouldnt go through it if I hadnt have been lied to in the past....

He finally got off his high horse and said working away in London is financially draining. I said I cant help him if he isn't talking to me, then he hit me with "i didnt tell the truth because then you'd etc.."

Stopped him there and said no, you lied because you didnt respect me in that moment. Asked him aside from money problems if hes happy with me, he took a long pause and said yes but he hates that im a clean freak (im on my own all week and have ALOT To do include go to work and be a mom - i ask my 4 year old to tidy away when shes finished - just like her nursery does - i see no harm? I like a tidy home, it isn't perfect by all means) And he said im moody? Explained im moody because im not happy atm.

If that's all he has on me then congratulations to him. He only told the truth when there was no way out, he lied and lied until he couldn't anymore as I has evidence.

*i had 3 bank cards come and cut 1 up - but you didnt as i went through the bin and there was NO cut up card

• that letter wasnt for that bank - yes it was i checked TWICE

• i cant afford to work in london, i cant even afford to eat - well you were in the pub last everytime i rang u last week?!

he's s gone back to live with his parents but, i think he thinks this is like before when he makes excuses for his behavior and the excuses are all lies.

Is he telling the truth? It is just financial trouble? Im not sure but, im not sticking around to find out. The trust has gone and that's his doing? Not mine. Im done blaming myself.

Do not marry this man under any circumstances.

I've got to say OP i was giving you a round of applause in my head when I read that. Well done for not backing down and letting him make you out to be wrong for looking for evidence.

You trusted your gut and you were right and eventually he admitted it.

The man is no good, leave him in the bin where he belongs with his cut up card ✂️

Don't take him back. He will ruin you financially, your money is for your kid not for him.

OP
This is not a situation you can work through.
By asking him if he was happy with you, you were giving him away to blame you for HIS issues.

I'm not sure why you feel there is anything to discuss with this man.

Well done. Just make sure he hasn't ordered cards in your name though.

Good for you. And for your little daughter growing up in a peaceful tidy home that doesn’t tolerate lies and abuse. 💪