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Original poster

BF hates his appearance and is very insecure about it

34 replies

JollyRubyTiger · 02/09/2025 18:34

So I have been with my BF for over two years, We have a mortgage together and next year we want to start having kids but lately he has became very insecure about his appearance. He said that before he met me he never went out much because he hated the way he looks and he has even spent money on his appearance. The other day I pointed out a scar that he has on his forehead and since then he has became insecure, he even told me that he went to a plastic surgeon about it in which it was going to cost a few grand to get it removed but he didnt go ahead because the plastic surgeon warned him that it might make the scar look worse.

I think he is very attractive, He's tall, athletic with broad shoulders but he thinks that he is out of shape just because he isnt ripped or has a 6 pack despite being muscular and lean already. He also has said to me a few times "I hope your not with me only because of my personality" and "I hope you find me phsycally attractive".

He also shaves his whole body and the house is always smelling of hair removal cream.

He also is worried that I might turn out "lesbian" and that he thinks women find other women better looking but end up staying with men.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 02/09/2025 18:57

And this is a new change? He wasn’t insecure when you met? I wonder what can have changed in the meantime.

Has he always shaved his whole body?

His fear that you will become a lesbian is frankly very odd.

What do you want to do, OP?

Rightandwrong · 02/09/2025 19:07

He also is worried that I might turn out "lesbian" and that he thinks women find other women better looking but end up staying with men.

That is a really weird thing to say.
It certainly makes it sound as though he is mentally unwell.
Perhaps he should be seeking help from his GP.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 02/09/2025 19:10

Is he taking any new medication (prescription or recreational) that is causing this? It doesn't sound right OP, and I'd be concerned. It sounds like a form of paranoia.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 02/09/2025 19:12

I would leave tbh. I'd be honest and kind to him whilst doing so

He needs ro get some help and really work on himself

I say this as someone who was (and sometimes is) in his situation. Far too much of a mess to have a relationship x

pinkdelight · 02/09/2025 19:14

The ‘turn out lesbian’ thing makes him sound thick which is way more unattractive than any scars or body hair. As ever, the insecurity really isn’t about looks and is nothing a plastic surgeon can fix. If he really wants to work on his issues, he needs to see a therapist and/or do some proper work on building his self-esteem. It’s on him to deal with it and not something you can reassure him on or fix for him.

Original poster
JollyRubyTiger · 02/09/2025 19:16

@mumofoneAloneandwell but I love him although its only recently that he has been feeling this way, He said that he use to feel this way before meeting me but told me that the insecurities have came back.

We have a mortgage and im nearly 26, I want kids and I dont want to waste years of my life dating around.

Everything else about him is perfect except the way he feels about his appearance

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 02/09/2025 19:18

JollyRubyTiger · 02/09/2025 19:16

@mumofoneAloneandwell but I love him although its only recently that he has been feeling this way, He said that he use to feel this way before meeting me but told me that the insecurities have came back.

We have a mortgage and im nearly 26, I want kids and I dont want to waste years of my life dating around.

Everything else about him is perfect except the way he feels about his appearance

Honestly girl, you are too young to spend your life helping this man who needs serious help

How old is he?

I don't think that he's being honest with himself. He has likely always disliked himself. He needs to really take stock and work out how to like himself in this world

You've got ages to have kids. Imo, girl, and i'm sorry to be so direct, you need to leave well alone xx

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/09/2025 19:22

I’d run a mile- sorry but I couldn’t bear an insecure partner. When you have kids and have no attention for him will he kick off?

Original poster
JollyRubyTiger · 02/09/2025 19:23

@mumofoneAloneandwell he is 27 but most men my age I dont find attractive, too many of them are childish or are just interested in sex or have slept around with loads of other women. Many men also dont take care of thier appearance (my BF does despite his insecurities) are cant cook, clean or wash thier own clothes. My BF also pays the whole mortgage on his own.

Also 26 is a good age to have kids because you dont want to have your first past 30, i also want 3-4 kids and so does he.

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 02/09/2025 19:24

JollyRubyTiger · 02/09/2025 19:23

@mumofoneAloneandwell he is 27 but most men my age I dont find attractive, too many of them are childish or are just interested in sex or have slept around with loads of other women. Many men also dont take care of thier appearance (my BF does despite his insecurities) are cant cook, clean or wash thier own clothes. My BF also pays the whole mortgage on his own.

Also 26 is a good age to have kids because you dont want to have your first past 30, i also want 3-4 kids and so does he.

Okay girl 😬, I've said all I can say ❤️

acorncrush · 02/09/2025 19:26

Er, leave. Someone telling you you might turn out lesbian is a big red flag. It’s not on you to fix these very deep seated issues he has with how he relates to the world, and he will take it out on you more and more until you wonder how you got into this situation and wish you’d left sooner.

Leave now. Someone with serious mental health issues should see a professional, not use you as the sacrificial lamb whose mental health he’ll drag down for the next ten years with wondering if it’s your fault. It’s not. The lesbian comment makes it time to go in my opinion.

Original poster
JollyRubyTiger · 02/09/2025 19:29

@OnlyFoolsnMothers but then im willing to help him and I told him if he wants to spend money on his appearance or go back to the gym because it will make him feel better then he should go for it.

About the lesbian thing he has that fear because apparently Two of his uncles Wives both came out as lesbian. He also says that he hears women online admit that they dont find mens bodies or looks attractive and that they are more visually into other women

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 02/09/2025 19:30

Well the lesbian comment is appalling, what did you say when he said that to you?

Topjoe19 · 02/09/2025 19:32

Honestly, he sounds as thick as shit. Good luck. And don't have babies with him!

UpMyself · 02/09/2025 19:35

Cut your losses and throw this one back, @JollyRubyTiger .

pinkdelight · 02/09/2025 19:50

He's sounding thicker and thicker with every post, but then you're not listening either because you want babies and he pays the mortgage and you love him. Well, good luck with that path of not fixing the real issues and having 3-4 kids with him as nothing gets fixed. Maybe he's right and he will ultimately drive you to 'turn out lesbian' when you finally get sick of managing his unresolved shit.

Deebee90 · 02/09/2025 19:58

Frankly you both need help and therapy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a baby after 30. You have also not helped the situation by pointing the scar out and upsetting him. Either both of you get counselling or separate. But I guarantee you won’t because he pays the mortgage and probably treats you like a princess.

Beachtastic · 02/09/2025 20:00

He also shaves his whole body and the house is always smelling of hair removal cream.

And then he's worried you might "turn out lesbian"?!!??!!

Are you sure this isn't a smokescreen for him "turning out gay"? 🤔

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/09/2025 20:10

Beachtastic · 02/09/2025 20:00

He also shaves his whole body and the house is always smelling of hair removal cream.

And then he's worried you might "turn out lesbian"?!!??!!

Are you sure this isn't a smokescreen for him "turning out gay"? 🤔

No but I’d put money on him questioning his gender at some point once she’s pinned down with marriage & 3-4 DC and it’s harder to separate.

Hates his male body? Removes all body hair? Worries (hopes?) his female partner might turn out to be a lesbian (so then they can stay together when he’s transitioned)?

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2025 20:15

My BF also pays the whole mortgage on his own.

Why does he do that when it's a joint mortgage?

MrsLizzieDarcy · 02/09/2025 20:17

Sounds like you've got sunk cost fallacy OP.

buymeaboaanddrivemetoreno · 02/09/2025 20:18

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2025 20:15

My BF also pays the whole mortgage on his own.

Why does he do that when it's a joint mortgage?

Think we've figured out why she doesn't want to leave

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/09/2025 20:22

JollyRubyTiger · 02/09/2025 19:29

@OnlyFoolsnMothers but then im willing to help him and I told him if he wants to spend money on his appearance or go back to the gym because it will make him feel better then he should go for it.

About the lesbian thing he has that fear because apparently Two of his uncles Wives both came out as lesbian. He also says that he hears women online admit that they dont find mens bodies or looks attractive and that they are more visually into other women

But insecurity doesn’t come from looking bad- it’s a personality trait and those rarely change. Also the lesbian comment is bizarre and in years to come when you’re shattered looking after children I can see him accusing you of an affair and getting controlling.

Imagineallthepuppies · 02/09/2025 20:22

He sounds quite poorly.

Treeleaf11 · 02/09/2025 20:24

He will soon be monitoring your female friendships just in case you 'turn lesbian'

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