Never felt so alone

[LightBluee]

Looking for some advice, this may be a long post.

Ive been with my husband for over 10 years and we’ve been married for 5. We have two children together, the youngest being just 9 months old.
Basically, I don’t want to be with him anymore, but he’s being very resistant. He’s broken my trust on several occasions and in many ways. From texting inappropriate messages other women, to always putting me 2nd best to his job, not prioritising me when I really needed him and choosing nights out instead. I feel like I’ve always brushed these things under the carpet and tolerated them, but for some reason I’m now finding I can’t stop replaying them in my mind, and things I once tolerated, seem intolerable now, even thought they’re historical. I think I’ve outgrown him, he’s 51, I’m 33, I feel like I’m seeing the world differently to how I did when I met him at 22, and he doesn’t love me how I want to be loved for the rest of my life or he would have prioritised me. I’ve explained my childhood traumas to him and asked that he respects the things that I find triggering or unacceptable but he still does these things despite me confiding in him, and I feel like that breaks the trust more. He’s put a divide between my family and I. He controls all the finances and won’t allow me to work any more than 2 days a week because ‘it makes his life more difficult’. And I feel like I’m struggling to see any positives at the moment.

We’ve spoken about it and I’ve told him how unhappy I am and that I don’t think the marriage is for me anymore. We’ve tried counselling but we didn’t achieve anything. I’ve told him that I need to put myself first and leave the marriage and he’s told me I’m selfish. He said that we clearly have different morals and values because to him, keeping the family unit together would be his one and only priority and I clearly don’t share his values. I see his point and I never married him thinking that I wouldn’t be madly in love with him forever, but I’m just not. He’s promised that he will be better and that he can be the husband he should have been but for me, it’s too little too late.
He’s completely disregarded my feelings for months when I’ve told him I want to separate and it’s confirming to me that he doesn’t see any value in my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I have no self worth any more, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt good about myself, and my daily mood is so low, especially when he’s around.

I don’t see myself ever feeling the same way about him, I feel like I see him in a completely different way now and I’m not sure that can ever change.

Is he right, am I being selfish?😞

No, you’re not being selfish. Like many men, he is trying to put this onto you, when it’s his own selfish behaviour that’s led to the breakdown of your relationship. Walk away, you’ll be so much happier, trust me. You deserve so much more and as you know, he won’t change for long and I suspect even if he did change, it’s too late as the damage is done now.

I think you've done brilliantly, you've got two beautiful children and you're managing to work two days a week and hold things together DESPITE being married to a controlling, unsupportive, selfish man who drags you down and holds you back, plus you've even tried hard to make it work with counselling etc.

Now you need to move into the next phase of your life, a phase where nothing holds you back from realising your own potential, and bringing those two babies up properly.

33 is actually still quite young too, I only met my husband at 33!

Don’t waste the rest of your life. Just separate, work out money and find a home where u will be happy. He will be happy to eventually. Don’t stay for the sake of kids or guilt. Don’t be called selfish, you are absolutely not selfish at all, just sensible. You will be so much happier when you are by yourself, be brave, and stick to ur guns. He will appreciate the effort down the line. For now just plan h
your new life and get excited! Better than staying put for the sake of him. You deserve better.

He’s controlling, manipulative, he’s trying to separate you from your family so he can control you even better. And at the same time he’s sr dung inappropriate messages to other women?
No, you’re not wrong to go. It’s selfish to keep the kids in this environment. You have to judge him on what he does, not what he says. When he says selfish - he means ‘it doesn’t suit me’. See a solicitor. Make a plan. And - urgently - take back control of your finances.

You are so incredibly brave. I have just delegated from my husband from an Abu dive relationship so I know exactly how you feel. The kids, the guilt of splitting the 2.4 children family ideal. But I’m 2 months down the line from when my husband blew our life diary and I can see already that it’s better for the kids. Life is so short, don’t waste it xx

Sending you love and strength OP

Thank you all for the validation 💕
He was married before me and left his wife when their children were 7 and 11 because they weren’t happy, but he calls me selfish for wanting to be happy myself.

Really, really struggling at the moment. I’ve never been his priority, my whole life I’ve been prioritising other people and for once in my life I want to put myself first. My mum died when I was in my late teens and I raised my younger brother and sister. Then I met him at 22, have done everything within my power to make his life easier and prioritise his needs, and now I have kids, of course, they’re my priority. But I’ve never been anyone else’s priority, and I should have been his.

The doubt keeps creeping in and I read a quote that said ‘I don’t want to give my children a childhood that they have to spend their adulthood healing from’. And that’s got me questioning if I’d be doing that to my girls if I leave him.

OP the sadness in your post is heartbreaking. I am sorry.

For him to say that his priority is to keep the family together, then tell you that you are selfish for wanting to leave the marriage, well, I can tell you one thing and that is all a lie. He does not want to keep the family together, but what comes with it, and with you wanting to break away means that at 51 he will have to start over and he probably knows his chances are diminishing.

He has repeatedly broken your trust, yet wants to have a say how you live your life, 2 days of work because it simply does not suit him you working, childcare reasons? Well they are selfish as well. He is also coercively controlling you, so you have every right to break free.

At 33 you have your whole life ahead of you. And you will be fine. There is so much freedom in breaking away from such a marriage. I know because I did leave a similar situation, but I was older.

• Get your ducks in a row, hopefully you have a bank account, if not make one. He cannot tell you that you cant.
• There is a website, think its called entitled2, you should be able to see if you are eligible to any benefits while you get back on your feet.
• Get the marriage certificate too, as you will need that. Or get a copy if you don't.
• Passports, get them too if you have them.

DH cannot stop you from wanting a divorce. I hope he is not abusive in other ways, and if you think he will try and stop you physically, then I would take steps in being cautious while gathering documents, get them to a friend for them to keep if you need to be discreet.

Lastly, he was the one to ruin the marriage by breaking your trust, so now you have every right to break free. Best of luck.

OP I forgot to say, ones you leave you will feel this weight of loneliness go, and although at times things may become difficult after you leave, it will be so much less than if you stay. You are only 33 and you can do this.

to him, keeping the family unit together would be his one and only priority and I clearly don’t share his values

If that was truly his one and only priority, he'd care about your feelings in the relationship. He clearly doesn't. I'm afraid this doesn't get better with time, OP.

You're only 33!!!!!!!!!!! The world is your oyster.

Thank you all so much.
Ive been in touch with an estate agency about getting a property to let, I’m considering moving out while he’s at work one day but also don’t know if that will cause him to make my life hell forever more.

Not as much as if you're actually enduring daily life with him, OP.

That's a brave and sensible move. Imagine your ancestors applauding you from heaven!

Good luck with it, a happier life awaits you. 💗

I don’t want to give my children a childhood that they have to spend their adulthood healing from

Healing from a childhood in an unhappy home will take the longest!
I can’t think how bringing them up where their view of marriage means wifey has control over nothing,puts up with whatever and does as she’s told, is a good start in life.
and it’s a shit life for a young woman like you: he spotted a potential child bearer and domestic slave in you, this is not what marriage should be about.

He’s been acting like nothings happened, as if I haven’t say anything at all. And it’s confirmation that he literally doesn’t consider me important at all. I feel like every day that goes by he’s almost smug at the fact that he’s getting what he wants. I’ve stopped communicating with him except for things about the kids and he accused me of not checking up on him and not texting him when he’s in work etc. It’s wild, I’ve never felt so worthless in my whole life. I feel a sick feeling in my tummy when I’m around him 😖

There is a reason he targeted you so young. You were easier for him to rep under control. He is manipulative and just plain unpleasant. Things will never get better get out before he destroys you.

OP you are not worthless, here is the thing, he wants you to feel that way for whatever reason he feels he can justify to himself, it is all on him his behavior and has zero to do with you.

Know your own worth even if he doesn't. Know your own worth.