DP has gone out tonight - he told me he's gone out to pull

[Ivegotaheadache]

We've been together for nearly 10 years and have 3 dc's, the youngest is 13 months. We've had a very up and down relationship over the years but this is the worst that it's been I think.

I've wanted to split up and move out for a while now because I just feel that I'm wasting my time being here. We're not married adn he's never asked me, we're like 2 seperate people living in the same house.

The house isn't in my name at all, I'm a SAHM so I have no financial security and no means (at the moment) of getting that security for myself. We don't have a joint bank account, although I use his bank card so money isn't a huge issue.

Basically I just feel that he's stayed with me because of the kids. The eldest wasn't planned and we stayed together but we had a lot of problems because he wasn't ready for the responsibilty. At that time I wanted to leave but I don't have anywhere to go, and

But I had a lot of resentment from that that time but according to him I should just get over it.
He said that he has made an effort to show he's sorry but the effort was to the dc's. I didn't ever feel that he made an effort for ME because he loves me seperate from the children IYSWIM.

Anyway after all this time I still feel that way, like well, I'm not the 'one' for him but because of the children I'm the one he's with.

But I don't want to feel this way, I want to feel loved and I want someone to love me enough that they want to marry me.

Anyway back to today, it's probaabl

So that's nice of him Headache! What a tosser.

Don't really have much to say - but I am in the same position with my DP. DD was unplanned and we decided to stick together. We now also have DS but I'm still not convinced he's with me because he loves me, though he certainly loves the DC. We got engaged when I was first pg but still not married as to be honest I don't think the motivation is there...

So I'm no help but just thought you might feel some consolation that you are not alone...

I think there's more to come ...

But he's gone out on the pull?

It sounds a bit grim but I can't help feeling a bit sorry for him as well: obviously there's a lot more going on than what you have posted but it sounds a bit as though whatever he does will not be enough for you unless he marries you (and many people have perfectly good valid reasons for not wanting to marry). What does he want out of your relationship? Have you asked him?
Because if you are both miserable it might well be best to separate and forge an amicable co-parent relationship, but you should get some legal advice about your financial position (from CAB or similar) before you do anything.

what madamez said

do you feel he has not ever committed to you?

I'd agree that him walking out with this sort of comment is infuriating and depressing, but it does sound a little as if he feels you will never believe he is truly with you for keeps whatever he does, so he is saying it for you before you say it to him.

As madamez says there is always so much more going on than it is possible to post, so any 'advice' I give will sound pretty rubbish knowing so little about you... but... does reading some of the threads on the Lone Parents board make you feel any different?

From what you've posted, things sound salvageable to me, but it's only to me - I don't have to live your life.

Whoops very sorry pressed buttons by mistake didn't realise I had actually posted, I thought I had lost what I had written.

So back to tonight, we've not been getting on well at all for the past few weeks, it's probably my fault as I can't hide the feelings of resentment anymore and I feel very argumemtative towards him. It doesn't help that a few weeks back we were having a row and I pushed him and he was quite violent to me, I wasn't marked but he's very big and strong and I was hurt.

Also he can be very cruel and calls me names quite a lot of the time, he's not an easy going type, and I suppose I'm not either but if I look back, when I met him I was very easy going but the years with him seem to have changed me.

Anyway after another row because I was annoyed that he lay in til 10 o clock and I get up at 6am every day with the baby (he gets up during the week at 7 for work), he got ready went to the gym for 3 hours, during that time I looked after the children did the food, dishes, washing adn while he was at the gym I mowed the front lawn (something that he should do). Anyway, I was mightily annoyed and he started to get ready to go out, said he's had enough (he has!!!) and he's going to find a shag tonight.

And actually I believe him. Whether he goes through with it is another matter. But should I even mind, as I wanted to seperate anyway?

I just don't know what to do, he's said that he's leaving though where he's going I don't know. But I don't want to stay in this house as it's his and he'll just let himself in with his key whenever he wants.

And to be honest, I want something for myself because I'm worried about what will happen to me when the children are older adn I'll find myself out on my ear.
But I'm also worried about taking the dc's to a council estate (don't want to sound snobby here cos I'm not).

I can't afford to rent, I don't have any family in the country (his are here)adn I feel so stuck and sad.

Any ideas on what I can do?
Thanks and sorry for the strange posting!!

I take your point madamez, but it's not just about marriage. It's the fact that he''s just got everything, the house, cars, money ect and I'm just living in the house looking sfter the dc's until...what? They leave home and then I'm left with nothing after all these years.
IT's hard because before i got pregnant I had just got my degree adn was planning my work and life ect adn I am glad that I had the chance to raise my dc's but at the same time I feel that I could have been something more.

A few years back I started an OU course and iI passed it but I couldn't go on to do the other courses because I got no support at all. I had to do everything and could only start my work when the children were in bed.

Now however he's doing a course and he sits at the table in the middle of the day doing it, while I do everything and I do feel some resentment.

I'm planning on taking the OU course up again in feb so I can plan for the future but I have a real problem with paying for it (though if I'm single it will be paid for).

I do a little bit of cleaning and I would like to save some money for myself, but it's not easy when all the kids need shoes!!

I meant to say NO rights to the house.

Thanks Rococo, it's nice to know that I'm not alone (though not nice that you had to go through it iykwim).
I don't know what CAT means and don't know what the settings are I'm afraid.

If I could go to my mum's I would already be there, but she doesn't live near me. So I would have to wait until I could afford to rent somewhere or go through the council, but I spoke to them already adn unless I'm in danger or he's throwing me out I don't have any points to get a place.
But I'd probably have to go to a b&b first and I just couldn't do that to the children.

I really admire that you did all that rococo. It takes a lot of courage not only to leave your partner but to totally move away in the process.

I moved from england to Northern Ireland nearly 3 years ago and I do like it here, very much actually. Even though my family are in England I don't think I could go back there adn I really don't want to uproot the children again. They are in a wonderful school and have made lovely friends, which they didn't have in London (the school anyway).

If we hadn't have made the move so recently i would have considered going back.
I suppose I do tell myself that my life, while not the best, isn't as bad as it could be and I just keep plodding along adn as long as the dc's are happy then that's all that matters.
But I don't know how they can be happy living in this house with me and him!

He's not the sort of person to sit down and talk about things and try and find a way forward out of this mess, with as little suffering for everyone involved.
He's more the 'thsi is my house I'm not going anywhere' type of person. And when he's like that I turn into some lunatic adn say that if he wants to see the dc's he'll have to take me to court.

I don't mean that, I never stop them seeing him or anything like that, but it makes me so angry!

I'm scared of actually leaving but hearing your story has given me some hope that it really is the right thing to do.
The stupid thing is that i do love him, I always have but I don't think he loves me in the way that I would like.

IGAH: I think you need to get some legal advice and probably some mediation. Get the legal advice first so you actually know your rights, what you are entitled to, etc (it's very common, when a couple are breaking up or about to break up and the woman has been a SAHM for the man to say that she will get nothing and be homeless if she leaves him: this is not true).
But it sounds like you are both angry and miserable and neither of you feels that the other is meeting your expectations: it might help to talk to and through someone detached from the situation about what you both want (from life and/or from your relationship with each other).

Though I wonder (and of course I could be way off the mark here) if you are not wanting your partner to be something he just is not, and blaming him for that. People who want constant romance and reassurance that they are loved more than anything in the world can get pretty wearying to live with.

I could have written this a few years ago. I got with a man when I was 17 and we rushed into everything, moved in together, had children etc but we were never right for each other. We wasted 10 years just living together because it was easier than the alternative and I stupidly thought I could 'make do' and still be happy. Deep down though I always wanted to split up and be with someone who genuinly cared for and loved me, I wanted to be with someone I respected and loved...not someone who was simply there to pay the bills.

Finally, about 3 years ago we realised we could not go on the way we were and we split. He moved out and was living with someone else within two months. They're now in a heap of debt and constantly arguining. The EX is exactly like he was here, constantly on the computer or xbox, lazy, no motivation and boring. I'm so glad I'm out of it.

Yes it's hard been on your own but the huge difference now is that at least I have something to look foward to these days.

Thanks for your replies, I know the right thing to do is for us to go our seperate ways, and I know I would be happier as I love it when he's not here, I'm not in a bad mood and I just get on with whatever I want to do.

He's still not home from his night out last night. And while it's not nice to think about what he may be doing, I'm enjoying the peace because once he's back my stress levels go through the roof!

Madamez, I know what you're saying but I don't think it's quite like that. Although I am probably very wearying to live with it's not because I need reassurance ect, I'm not really like that.

It's more that after all this time and with me just always feeling that we're (he's) making do and that there's no real love (the old love you but not IN love with you) or committment other than doing what's right for the dc's, I do feel like it's not enough and yes, he goes to work and supports us and does his best for the family but if it weren't for the children he wouldn't be doing any of those things for ME.

I hardly think I'm just being paranoid about his level of committment to me when he's doing his best to protect his assets from me. And it's really not about what I can get or that I want to take from him what he's worked hard to get.

It's about what it says to me, that I'm just here to look after the children, cook, clean, wash, organise I do absolutely everything and I have a little cleaning job, but there's no partnership.
And that's the way he wants it. But I want more for my life.

the fact that he's not home yet is pretty outrageous alone...

i live in an ex council house in a good area and it's a really spacious 3 bed with gardens etc... get your name on the list pronto.

You need to see a solicitor

When he is in the house, until you have seen the solicitor, treat him as a guest. Be polite, non confrontational, and wait for him to go out.

He will probably treat you as though you are stealing his house. He won't see that you weren't put on earth for any reason other than to cook, clean, wash, look after the children. Your career/earning sacrafices will probably not be recognised. HARSH but true. YOu will be a money grabber, after 'his' cash. BE prepared. Try not to let it upset you. Let it be water off a duck's back. I agree, see a solicitor and be non-confrontational in the meantime.

I hope you are entitled to somthing. But it won't be easy. I had heard that they were changing the laws in 2008, but Idon't know if that was ever ratified though.

There IS some council housing which is not awful!

I don't think I could ever have imagined how valuable it has been to my self-esteem and my quality of life to break free and start again.