Difficult adult sibling - any positive experiences or advice?

[CryMeARiverSong]

Posting looking for some help/advice for dealing with my adult sister. Apologies for the essay!

My sister has always been a very volatile person with a hair trigger temper, I grew up with her flying off the handle, snapping and shouting to the extent it dominated my childhood - holidays would be ruined because of her moods, I was scared to have people round in case she behaved like that round them. She had to leave one school and her university due to huge fallings out with people. She is in her late forties and has friends now, and a job, but she still lives at home with my parents; she is saving to buy a flat but at this point I am not sure whether it will happen or whether she could actually manage to live alone. She has never had a relationship.

This sounds terrible but I find it very very difficult to be around her, even when she’s in a good mood as I’m always waiting for her to kick off (which she did this weekend, snapping and storming off). I think she’s always been jealous of me - she struggled at school while I was more academic so the family perception is definitely that I have it ‘easy’ and need to make allowances - while also being very proud of me and what I do, and she adores DH and DD,. The only way to deal with her is to be excessively positive about everything or risk a tantrum and that’s exhausting. I also never get to see my parents without her being around as she’s always there and always wants to see us if we suggest a visit. DH thinks there may be an element of neurodiversity as she does seem to behave better in front of him, and she is very very black and white in her thinking.

I’d just love to hear from anyone who has a similar relationship and how they manage it. Is it ever worth asking them to apologise or understand what they make people feel? Or realistically is it better to just deal with how often I see her or how I respond? If you have someone like this in your life is there a good way you find to communicate with them?

Are there any books or podcasts that help with people that lash out like this?

You have pretty much described my sister - except the bit about her wanting to see you and your family!

It is so hard. I have concluded my sister is ND in some way. For a long time i thought the fact she can behave civilly to other people (eg. Cousins, friends etc.) was proof that she is socially able and chooses to be unpleasant to me. However I now believe the behaviour with others is masking and false, and doesn't come naturally to her. I believe she has limited (v. Limited) tolerance for me and some other members of the immediate family. She can somewhat do social normally with us but not always, and never for long.

Unfortunately raising it with my sister would only cause a huge volatile mood. I don't believe she has the ability to be self reflective or apologetic. The last time I tried it ended with me crying, her saying she's just like this with everyone and if I take it personally that's my problem. Unfortunately she is a toxic person, lacking social norms.

Expecting less of her, and attributing it to neurodiversity is the closest I come to peace. Taking what little she can offer and trying to accept i won't have the sisterly relationship I wish for, is all I can do. I also feel compassion for her as hers must be a difficult life but she doesn't make it easy to feel compassion when she can be so abusive. I have had extensive counselling about it. A few flash moments have really cemented that she is abnormal in her social interactions.

I think you need to try to see your parents without her, or in situations where there's less focus on her. Perhaps going out somewhere where the group can flow a bit more eg. Some of the time you're not walking with her.

Please keep sharing your tips as your story is so close to my own and I really struggle with this too.

One of my sisters is like this. I just get up and leave without making a scene if she starts. She gets my time and attention only in certain circumstances. If she starts ranting, I remove it firmly but civilly, whether that’s in the middle of a dinner or as the start credits of a film are rolling.

It’s not terrible that you find it difficult to be around her because you’ve been on the receiving end of it your entire life. Did your parents favour your sister over you?. Who does she take after in that us mum or dad similar?.

She may well be afraid of your DH in some ways or regards him as some sort of authority figure. That may be why she behaves differently. He cannot blithely assume your sister is nd though and even if she was it’s still no excuse or justification for her actions. Nd does not equal abusive behaviour.

What do your parents make of her behaviour?. It sounds like they are enabling her and perhaps have always made excuses for her behaviour too. Do they say, welll you know what she is like etc?.

Whatever the underlying cause/s (she may well equally have some untreated and untreatable personality disorder) both your parents and sister have not seemingly sought the necessary help. It’s not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way.

And it’s not worth it asking her to apologise because it will not be meaningful.
You need to consistently maintain firm boundaries if you are in her presence. Personally I would not bother with her. Your dc also need emotionally healthy role models and your sister does not fit the bill. Have a look at the out of the fog website and look at podcasts by the likes of Dr Ramani.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I suppose she wants you to be excessively positive about everything because if it is not then she may well believe it’s a reflection on her. Does she regard you as an extension of her?

Wow, I could have written most of your post OP! Only difference is my DSis wants nothing to do with me, and my parents aren't fussed on me either. I know that sounds sad, but in a way it makes my life easier. The expression I keep in my head is, "not my circus, not my monkeys". It's quite freeing really!

Previously, I would twist myself in knots to try and please her and my DM. What a waste of energy! I have very little to do with them, which isn't really helpful in your situation. Maybe becoming more aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment? Although you do sound very self aware already. Maybe grounding techniques, not to get hooked by her actions. Remember, you won't change her. I really like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson for all these ideas. Apply the ideas to your sister instead. Good luck.

Gosh, I’m sorry that others have gone through this but I could almost cry with relief other people understand. Most of my friends have close relationships with their siblings or at least just politely cordial to one another if they’re not close.

For those who’ve asked about my parents, sadly I think they have enabled the behaviour. There were never any consequences when she behaved like this - it was just never mentioned again and we’d all act like nothing had happened. My parents are quite complicated people - they very explicitly favoured me as the academic, easier one to show off about, I was definitely never allowed to have problems myself, but then would randomly take her side or criticise me, and they never asked her to apologise to me or told her that what she didn’t wasn’t fair so weirdly, she ended up being the one who was favoured in some respects but I don’t think she’d see it that way.

@ThePartyArtistthat really resonates with me about thinking that as she could be different with others she was choosing to behave like that with me and my parents. Now I do think she is masking and that trying to get her to understand how she behaved is so hurtful is pointless. I don’t think she quite understands how other people work.

Yes my family upbringing was the same - her behaviour wasn't really addressed, we all just waited for it to blow over. Now she's an adult it feels like it would be pointless, as no one can police her behaviour, discipline her etc. My parents always tried to get me to be compassionate because they could see she was behaving this way because of her social difficulties and also because she was very fragile and isolated and at times her mental health was very poor.

It’s all been brushed under the carpet but the elephant in the room is still there. Your parents were not good parents to either you or your sister for that matter when you were growing up and the fact remains they and she did not seek not want to seek the necessary help. They caused this toxic dynamic to arise.

This is a slightly different perspective but might be helpful, my sister doesnt lash out so much these days because me and my other sister wont tolerate it, even if that means being in the bad books with our mother.
My sister can be charming and lovely when she wants to, she can also be rude dominant and nasty.
She is the younger of the 3 girls and does some pretty outlandish things, she was diagnosed with autism but doesnt accept the diagnosis and claims its a con.
She has brought new girlfriends of days to my sisters bedside on the labour ward, my grandmother's chapel of rest, my mothers house post op. She has left her girlfriend in the middle of the night and set up home in my sisters annexe without warning complete with pets only to then return to the girlfriend again without warning and return as a happy pair for a cuppa and a chat ( locks were changed )
She embarked on a career as a stand up comedian, it wasnt paid ( surprisingly) and consisted of her divulging personal deeply private family things in public and live streamed, she snuck into bed with my sister and her husband ( try not to laugh ) and crawled up between them mid- shenanigans and say hello in a thick Scottish accent ( shes not Scottish.
She has convinced people she is deaf by signing on the local bus to work. She has dressed up in uniforms shes bought off Ebay and done some dreadful things, she has ridden a cow ( i wish I was joking ) she has dangled bacon on wire through her window hitting people in the face, she used to live in a flat and she used to squirt red sauce at passers by and make shotgun sounds with a child's toy
She's 36