Sex before getting to know someone

[BeeMyBaby]

So background is I was SA as a child so I have been sexually active since I was about 3 or 4yo, and sex is really important to me. I had some long-term bfs as a teen but also slept around, had what I thought was a 1 night stand when I was 20 and ended up marrying him for over 16 years. He has now left me after 18 years, basically saying the only thing we had in common was we were very attracted to each other physically. In all honesty I agree with that, we are a diff religion, different culture and dont really have similar interests. He has now got himself a new wife to be (10 years younger than me, manged to find her in less than a month as I said, different culture).

I have young and teenage children and therfore i am constrained by time to meet someone myself. Is it weird to attempt to sleep with anyone I manage to meet before getting to know them? As I know it would be a deal breaker for me if I got to know them and then they were not compatible with me in bed or whatever? (Unlike my exh, I have not managed to find anyone in less than a month and I hate OLD so it would only be if I met someone in person somehow).

Have you had therapy to deal with your childhood SA? Saying you've been sexually active since you were 3 or 4 suggests to me that you need more help to deal with the past before jumping into something new.

Absolutely. That turn of phrase suggests a lot of undealt with issues, and suggests you had some agency in the abuse, which no three or four year old has. I was raped aged ten, and I don’t describe myself as having been ‘sexually attire’ since that age. I was the victim of a crime.

No 3 or 4 year old can be ‘sexually active’ because they are too young to consent. It’s abuse.

I agree with pp : the fact you appear to have normalised very young children being involved in sexual activity rather than realising you were the victim of a crime is very disturbing.
If you have young children and teenagers what is your approach to teaching them about sex?

What happens when people endure certain kinds of trauma, like sexual abuse, is that they miss out on the opportunity to develop their own natural ideas and values when it comes to sex, intimacy, relationships.

Your values and ideas, your sexual needs, they have all developed in a very warped and unhealthy way. You weren't given the freedom to let them grow naturally. The sexual abuse you endured strongly influenced your sexual development.

In most cases when women say they want to explore any kind of sexual adventures, I'm all for it. Because in most cases the desire to explore this came from a natural developmental process and wasn't influenced or corrupted by violence, abuse or coersion.
In your case I don't think that your sexual behaviour is healthy, because it seems to be related very strongly to unprocessed and unhealed trauma.

I would strongly urge you to get therapy, to give you a chance to figure out who you would have become and what values and sexual needs you would have had if you hadn't been abused.

If after that you still want to call a 4-year old being abused or raped "sexually active", or you still think you want to have sex with random strangers, that's a whole other discussion.
But I don't think that's very likely.

The problem with having sex with people you don’t know yet (apart from any obvious safety issues) is that you then bond with them so you find it hard to disengage from them if you’re incompatible, they turn out abusive etc. sex bonds you to people so it takes away the space and power you require to decide if they are right for you. Check out the crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She’s great on helping straighten out thinking on this kind of thing.

OP - you clearly have a lot of unresolved issued from childhood around sex. Is this something you understand?

It is possible that trying to ‘fix’ or heal from it is an enormous undertaking that you are not prepared to do. Therapy is long and painful.

It sounds like you miss sex more than you miss being in a relationship. You stayed in a marriage where sex was the only thing that connected you.
You could try casual, non-strings sex for now - to see maybe that would take the edge off for now. Or it seems that you are at risk of ending up in another relationship like your marriage - where you’ll decide to be with someone only because of having chemistry.

But in parallel - I’d still try some sort of counselling. If you do want a chance to form a healthier relationship one day.

Finally - you need to get over not liking OLD. It’s harder to meet anyone in real life these days.

Firstly, you were not Active, you were Abused. You need therapy i think.

I hate to be blunt but we cannot teach old dogs new tricks, this will be fine if sex is all you want.

You have been sleeping around until You married you husband just because you were sexually attracted to each other.

Sex is what leads you so maybe this is no issue to be questioning it

I think your wording here suggests that perhaps you need some support. I would be wary of sleeping with men you don’t know well.

I agree with this. You need to try and look after yourself.

Are you okay?

Ditto this. Access some support before throwing yourself into having sex with strangers OP.

I'm very sorry for what has happened to you but I think it's really very odd to describe yourself as being sexually active at 3 years old

You weren’t sexually active at 3 years old, you were abused.

It worries me that you think this way.

Have you ever had therapy OP? I think it might be helpful to you.

Thank you all, i read some of the replies earlier and had a little cry instead of replying. Probs just bad wording, I guess better wording would be i sought out stimulation due to the way I was groomed, from a very young age, obvs did not understand what I was asking for.

Thank you for the youtube recommendation, I will check her out.

Honestly I didn't think my post was that bad but from everyone's reaction I obviously do have something a bit odd in my thought process. I had therapy when I was 15 which dealt with enough to keep going on with life.

please don’t say you’ve been sexually actively since you were a 3 or 4 year old child, you were sexually abused by a vile creature.

Active*

I think the thread got derailed a bit and you have a different experience which will make you more ‘matter of fact’ than some people who only know about SA in theory. Don’t judge yourself but well worth doing some therapy or self-reflection, getting real life support. I would say some people can do one night stands/ friends with benefits but for others it blurs the boundaries and makes it hard to identify who is a good person to have in our lives and who is not.

I found that turn of phrase 'sexually active' as a TODDLER really shocking. I think you would benefit from therapy as an adult OP.

OP you say it would be a deal breaker for you if they weren't good in bed so you might as well sleep with them straight away - but wouldn't it also be a deal breaker for you if they weren't very nice or were only interested in using you for sex? Isn't it worth getting to know them to know whether you actually like them as a person? Isn't that even more important than sexual compatibility?

I think the horrific abuse you went through may have taught you that sex is/should be valued above everything else - because that's what you were valued for. As you haven't had therapy as an adult I definitely think it would be worth considering.

It's also only been a month since you split up with your husband, you can take some time out for yourself if you want, you don't have to compete with him - he may have had this person he is now with lined up for a while. Don't feel pressured by him moving on ridiculously quickly. Your value is not dependent on you being with a man, you matter.

I think the derail will be useful if you can get therapy as an adult.

I’m really sorry that this happened to you but wanted to reiterate the PP. You matter.

Thank you all again, you have definitely changed my way of thinking, as I didnt think the SA was an issue anymore and just something that happens to some people and you just move on and adult. But it didnt really occur to me I was adulting weirdly because of it.

Glad it’s been useful. Your ‘D’H moving on so quickly must be very hurtful. I hope you’re okay. This board is great if you need support, you could always start a new thread as this one went a bit sideways

I am waiting for God to smite him. He had a problem with his prostate a few months ago so I hope it comes back and he ends up with ED, and his new wife can enjoy limp dick.