How to leave?

[HollyJ2]

Long story short but I have been with my OH for 15 years. We have 2 children together. One in primary and the other just about to start secondary.
The relationship has always been pretty toxic and I’ve spent many more years unhappy than I have happy. He is irresponsible, lazy, terrible with money (used to gamble and has an addictive personality). We both work full time but due to his shift pattern, he gets significantly more time off than me but I’m left to do almost everything.
Financially, we earn around the same (£60k) he pays the mortgage and I pay everything else. When I say everythiny, I mean EVERYTHING! He’s never paid for a single item of uniform, doesn’t contribute to the food shop but would go to the shop and buy himself what he fancies.
Last year we effectively separated but continued living together as he refused to leave. Told me I should leave with the kids and go and stay at my parents whilst he stays in the house. That was never going to happen as I have younger siblings still living with my parents, whilst his parents are both retired and live alone (he could have gone there).
he is bitter about everything and thinks everybody is out to get him. I’ve tried so many times to have an adult conversation with him and to go through the motions of separating properly. He can’t afford to buy me out as his credit history is dreadful (he will randomly just not pay bills if he wants to spend his money elsewhere) and I can’t afford to buy him out as he has saddled me with a load of debt due to his irresponsible ways.
I am so unhappy and just desperately it to be over with and us to go our separate ways but I’m just petrified to discuss anything with him as he becomes really nasty and makes it impossible. He won’t come up with a reasonable or alternative solutions. I’ve suggested that the only way around it is to sell the house, split the equity and walk start fresh separately and come up with a schedule for the kids. Her refuses. I feel trapped and completely fed up. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. I can’t live like this anymore

You say OH .. are you married? Who's name is the house in? If you are married the first thing to do is get legal advice.

No we aren’t married. The house is in both our names. He owes me thousands but at this point I am not even bothered. I would happily split the equity 50/50 and just walk away

Probably being naive here, but couldn't you rent somewhere with your children and then go to a solicitor and serve him divorce papers including he must buy you out or sell up? I'd definitely get advice from CAB or a solicitor first though.

Honestly…I can’t afford to rent without selling the house to pay of debts. I know he will be difficult when it comes to contributing any kind of maintenance.
if I leave this house with him in it he will make my life a misery and refuse to sell which will cause so much stress that I don’t want my kids to have to deal with

Speak to a lawyer. Sometimes leaving, renting and forcing a sale is the only way. The space you feel when you leave is immense!

Yes i think you’re right and that’s the only way I’ll ever get out.
I dream of that day and the relief i will feel. Life is way to short to be living like this

Can you and the kids move in with his folks for a while? Until the house is sold?

You need legal advice and to force the sale of the house. Yes, he will be nasty and you will have some tough months but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You've put up with 15 years of his shit so steel yourself and push through the horrible bit so you can walk away and rent somewhere for you and your children. Good luck OP, take courage and put an end to this relationship for good 💐

Ah yes, he has you over a barrel, for the moment, while he bullies you.
You need to speak to a community law centre, for general advice.

Questions they will ask:
Joint tenants or tenants in common? Do you have a current Will?
Who put in what % at the time of purchase? And who has been paying what % since then? And can you prove it? (Bank accounts etc)

He is paying the mortgage because he thinks that gives him rights to the house.
YOU need to be able to argue that you paid everything else. You can def do that with bank statements. No way does he get to keep the house because he alone paid the mortgage, but that is what he is going to try and argue.

You need to start with a free or community law consult to get the lay of the land w.r.t. your situation. He will BS you if you let him. Do NOT take legal advice from him or his lawyer.

Doesn't matter what he says his lawyer told him, or even what his lawyer tells you. It is vital that YOU get legal advice ASAP, even just basic advice.

Then come back here and tell us, so that advice is recorded here in this thread. Then we can keep you on the straight and narrow if he tries BS later.

See a solicitor about forcing him to sell

Also don’t mention maintenance to him at all until you’re out of the house